After my Failed Attempt at Urinating in a restroom with another man present, I really took it to heart.
I thought I would do better, but then again, the more I thought about it, the more I understood where my fault lies…
I was moving too fast!
Jumping the Gun!
You see, a bathroom like that, in a movie theater, with someone in the stall next to mine, is actually number 5 on my list of Most Feared Bathrooms. That’s halfway up the ladder. How can I accomplish that if I haven’t accomplished 3 or 4 yet?
(1 and 2 I do on a daily basis)
So that’s two steps I was leaping over. Quite a jump I must say. No wonder why I failed!
But it really wasn’t a total failure after all. It was the first time I had been in a public restroom in over 3 months. That’s quite an accomplishment for me.
It takes a lot of courage just for me to make that move… head towards the john. That’s where my biggest fear begins.
And as I played this over and over in my mind the next day or so, I realized that I didn’t do too bad of a job. I mean, I did pee!
That should be a success in any Paruretic’s handbook.
So Friday night (just 6 days later), I find myself going out to eat at one of my favorite restaurants again, with a bunch of my closest friends. And who do I ride with? My best friend Mike. You know, the friend that I’ve been slowly talking about being my pee buddy…
“You want me to watch you pee?”
So we go out to eat. We have a good time. And then I feel the slight urge to pee. Uh-oh is my first response.
Now I know it’s going to bug me all night long. My bladder will start knocking “Let me pee!”
My friend Mike excuses himself to pee (easy for him).
I sit there for another half hour. Usually I would just sit there all night and ignore my screaming bladder. But tonight was different. I was saying to myself “Go to the Bathroom!” I was giving myself a pep talk.
“Just get up and go. Don’t think about it. Don’t wait until the urge gets too strong. Just go. Go now!”
And it didn’t stop…
“Get up. Go to the John. It’s no big deal. I know you’re scared to go, I know it’s a huge phobia and your fear has you paralyzed, but the only way you’re going to tackle that fear is to just do it”
I kept pushing myself…
“You already feel like a failure from Sunday. If you don’t at least try again tonight, you’ll have made zero progress and will never advance into your Paruresis Recovery!”
“GO TO THE BATHROOM!”
“Just get up and GO NOW…”
And guess what?
I excused myself (made Kay roll her eyes because she had to move), not daring to look at Mike (knowing he would know what I was doing and thinking… “He’s really going to pee?“)
I zig-zag my way around the tables, looking at people looking at me, and made my way towards the bathroom down the hall.
The entire kitchen staff was watching me pass as I headed to the john…
The tables next to the bathroom both looked at me…
They all know I’m going in…
I enter the restroom. No one is peeing. No one’s at the urinals. I can’t tell if anyone is in the stalls…
It’s hard to tell by looking under the stall doors… And I always feel awkward bending almost all the way down to peek… What if someone were to walk in and see me lurking…
The first 3 stalls were cracked open. It’s safe to say they were empty. But the last stall, the largest handicapped one, was closed. I may not be alone!
I carefully approach the stall and try to peek through the crack. I gently push on the door…
It opens. It was empty!
I entered, closed the door and latched it (it doesn’t latch very well, or very quiet).
I stand there at the toilet and try to pee.
And of course, seconds later, the bathroom door busts open loudly and someone enters…
I try to go anyways. I can’t!
I try holding my breath.
I can’t. It just makes me want to gasp.
I listen at the visitor steps up to the urinal (behind my stall door). I listen the whole time as he urinates, sighs relief, washes his hands and goes.
All the while I can’t go. Just like in my last attempt and failure.
Only after he exits the room am I able to finally start peeing.
And I peed! And I peed!
And luckily no one else came in so I was able to actually finish (and not have to cut it off).
I wash my hands and go.
I always feel weird coming out of a bathroom. After being in there for what seemed like an eternity, 5 or 6 minutes, I’m always thinking people are talking, laughing, pointing…
“Guys went in after him, peed and left and he’s STILL IN THERE!!!!“
Things like that.
I know it’s silly and stupid. But that’s what I think.
I sat back at the table and enjoyed the rest of the night. At least I didn’t have to hold my urine in for another 2 hours.
After the night ended and we were driving home, I opened up to Mike and talked more about my bathroom experience and how I couldn’t pee until the guy left.
I’m sure it’s a conversation he’d rather not have. But I wanted to talk about it. He’s the only one who really knows…
I also brought up the pee buddy (I hate that name) again. I told him I wanted to start, but I don’t know how or when yet…
I just know I want to begin.
He said nothing!
I’m sure he’ll do it. I know he’ll try to help me, but I’m nervous about taking that first step.
I’m trying. I’ve made myself go into two bathrooms in less than one week. That’s a record for me.
Pee Buddy is next.
“You want me to watch you pee?“
“Yes I do!“