Day 5 Gradual Exposure Therapy

Day 5 of my GET starts out weird.

For some reason I can’t sleep, so I get up early. It’s 7 a.m. (usually get up around 8) and it’s still dark out (thanks to the new daylight savings time hours).

I ask Mike (my Pee Buddy) to stand there as usual and lean on the open bathroom door frame as I pee a foot away.

It takes me a minute to go, and as I’m peeing, I look over Mike’s shoulder and out the window.

What do I see?

I see Mike’s reflection in the window (since it’s still dark out), and I see him leaning on the frame and I see myself in the lit bathroom peeing in the toilet.

Gradual Exposure Therapy Day Five

I hesitate!

Mike is facing out and facing towards this window.

He doesn’t say anything, but it’s pretty clear that he can see me. I start to pee again slowly.

I turn and face forward and try not to think about it. But then I glance over at the window and our reflections again. Being watched while peeing is scary. Granted the reflection is not crisp, but it’s just the fact that it’s me, I’m being observed, AND I’m peeing that does it!

Will I ever progress to the point where I will be able to pee with him facing me?

It sounds frightening!

But, unless you keep pushing your boundaries, you’ll never get there. You have to face it some day.

Maybe I’ll have to start chugging more bottles of water to up the urgency?

Be still my beating heart!

I find myself peeing with Mike there 3 or 4 more times today (he was gone for a bit).

One of the last times tonight he’s leaning against the wall. The door is wide open and it’s dark out again.

The bathroom light is on, and bright. And as I’m standing there trying to pee (it’s taking me a little longer today than it did yesterday to get it going), I see the reflections in the window again.

But this time I see Mike staring right at me!

He laughs as I make eye contact with him.

NOT RIGHT!” I say and I quickly flick the bathroom light off.

Our reflections in the window disappear, but his laugh still remains.

Peeing around people is such a new experience for me. As I’m seeing, it’s pretty unpredictable. I don’t know what other people will do. I don’t know if urination will come easily or not. It’s all a big question.

I was thinking about upping the difficulty level today, but peeing was not so easy. Granted, I did pee every time, but it seemed like it took a minute or longer to get a flow going, where as yesterday the average was around 20 seconds.

My nerves keep telling me to give up. It’s too uncomfortable. But I’m sticking to my guns and pushing forward.

I have to get used to this, and the only way to do that… is to do that!

Pee under stress!

I have to pee in difficult situations until it becomes easy (easier). I need to keep pushing the Pee Buddy and I need to venture into public restrooms more frequently.

But this is the first steps of my recovery. I’m already making loud splashing noises in the toilet, and I’m peeing within feet of my Best Friend, with the bathroom door wide open!

That’s a lot!

Slowly but surely.

It will happen.

I just need to keep telling myself…

Don’t get discouraged!

Don’t get discouraged!

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