My day starts out interesting. I stand at the toilet and pee with my Pee Buddy behind me.
When I’m standing there quiet, and Mike is quiet, it gets harder to urinate. When we’re chatting, it’s easier.
The silence highlights every sound I make.
Funny how just noise affects your feelings and behaviors.
After a minute or so, I flick on the ceiling fan to add white noise to the ambiance.
Mike tells me “You’re avoiding the situation“.
True. Tis True!
But I leave it on anyway. It helps me pee faster, which I do.
2 hours later, for my 2nd attempt, I leave the sound off. I also set my iPhone timer. It takes me almost 2.5 minutes to go, but I DO GO. That’s the most important thing.
I do notice that in the past week that I’ve been delaying when I pee. Like if I know I could probably pee, I hold it longer. I tell myself that it’s because it will make the urge stronger (which it does), but I’m sure it’s more avoidance and not wanting to face an uncomfortable situation.
I guess this is no different than water loading, or stopping and starting like they do at the workshops.
It’s all discomfort! It’s all to UP the URGENCY!
Why do these techniques work? Why must we face uncomfortable scenarios in order to desensitize?
It’s not natural!
But it seems, that’s when Gradual Exposure Therapy works best. The circumstances that we want to avoid are the circumstances that we must stand and face.
It’s kind of dreadful if you think about it.
No matter what, I keep moving forward. It seems to be working, and I do feel like I’m making quick progress. Good progress!
This is $5 Movie Tuesday, and this time I’m going to pass on the popcorn and the drink (Bye Bye Slush). The last 2 weeks have been murder on me and not been happy times. I don’t want to sit in the movie and hold my bladder for another hour or so. I want to enjoy the flick. So no liquids today!
We’ll see how it goes…
You know, as I sit here, I think of how my situation must be different from everyone elses. I guess all of us are like that, but I have it luckier than most. I am NOT on any time requirements when it comes to my Pee Buddy. I live with my Pee Buddy (and no one else). He’s been my Best Friend for over 17 years. I feel comfortable around him. There is no intimidation.
And the more I think about it, I see that I don’t have to do the tricks that most Paruretics have to do to practice. I don’t have to water load. I don’t have to start and stop…
That’s because most Pee Shy individuals only have a certain amount of time to practice in any given day (probably 2-6 hours at most). They meet up with their Pee Buddy, maybe only over the weekend, and then it’s game time. They have to make the most of those short days so it’s not a waste of time. They load up on water to up the urgency and stop their urine flow so they can keep practicing the entire time.
I don’t have to. I have access to my Pee Buddy 24/7. So when I need to go, I just ask.
I think of other people’s circumstances, like being married with children. That’s got to complicate things and make matters worse. It’s not like you could practice at home. You’d probably only be able to practice out in the field (or at a hotel).
And then what does your unsuspecting family think of you when you and your new friend “Shh Pee Buddy” start going out for hours at a time (you went shopping and bought nothing?). They’ve got to think that’s odd.
How do you even explain that?
Especially if you start secretly calling each other, going outside to chat (away from prying ears), meeting up…
I can’t even comprehend such a situation. I feel for you! It would seem impossible to accomplish even the slightest recovery without having to tell everyone around you (at home, at work) what’s going on. Plus, you have to make time in between your busy schedule. Insane!
So I guess I have an ideal situation.
I’m single and live with my roommate, and co-worker Mike (my Pee Buddy). We run several online businesses together, so I can practice whenever and where ever I need to. It really is perfect!
Being stuck with other people, family or friends that do not know, would be hell.
And I have been there before. I’ve lived with a bunch of other friends when I was younger. People that did not know I was pee shy. So heading off with some guy for a couple of hours each day would have certainly raised some questions and some eye-brows!!!
So how do you guys do it?
Straight, Gay, Bi, Trans, Man, Woman, it doesn’t matter. It’s got to add more stress to the already stressful event.
I should count my blessings!
This is probably why I’m progressing faster than I thought. I would have never imagined this just ten days ago.
I’d love to hear how others deal with crazy situations. Please write in and tell me. I’m sure I’m an exception to the rule… Like 1% of the 7% of the people that suffer from Paruresis.
How do guys in dorms deal with it? Jocks on the football team? How about Traveling Salesmen? Construction Workers? Teachers? Every person is different and I urge you to share your thoughts, feelings, behaviors and stories with the rest of us. We can all learn and benefit from these testimonials (I’ll post them on this website). The more we know and hear, the more we see that we are not alone, and that we are all in this together!
I have a slight urge to urinate. I tell Mike. He stands behind me in the bathroom and sits there quietly. I set the time and wait.
5 Minutes in I get a little drop out.
2 MORE minutes go by. This is the longest I’ve ever stood here so far. It’s crazy.
Maybe it’s because it’s dead quiet, or that the light is too bright, or that Mike is motionless, tired and waiting for me to go…
But I couldn’t. I was locked up.
More than likely it was caused by not a strong enough urge. I usually pee when I really have to.
So 7 minutes in, I stop the attempt and we take a break. I’ll try again when the urge increases. I’m sure that will help.
1 Hour Later…
I have to urinate. We get in the bathroom, and 24 seconds later I’m peeing at full force. SUCCESS!
1/2 hour later, I have to pee again (I think all my morning coffee is hitting me)…
Same thing, it takes me 24 seconds to start and about a minute longer to finish. I won’t complain there. If all my attempts were like this, I’d be a happy camper.
After an afternoon out, a movie (Escape Plan – pretty good movie) and dinner, it’s time to kick back and relax. I watch some TV. Drink a couple of beers. The funny thing is, I still don’t have a strong urge to urinate yet. It’s so weird. It’s been about 5 hours since I’ve gone.
So I decide to push my luck and to try to pee anyway. It takes me a couple of minutes, but I do go. I don’t go a lot, but I peed. I told Mike I’d probably have to pee again really soon.
I was right.
1/2 hour later, I feel the urge. Mike’s getting ready to hibernate in his bedroom and I tell him that I need to pee one last time (with him standing watch).
He follows me into my bathroom. I’m standing at the toilet, and instead of sitting on the sink facing me (like normal), he stands next to the open door. He’s actually facing away from me, but he’s looking into the mirror and can see me anyway.
He asks if he’s too close (1 foot away) for me to pee?
I say “NO” and seconds later I’m peeing.
Mike turns his head sideways really fast to look at me (attempting to startle me), then he faces forward again.
He’s trying to catch me off guard. It doesn’t work. I keep peeing.
He does it again and again. I don’t stop.
Then suddenly Mike spins all the way around and is totally facing my profile (just inches away).
I don’t stop peeing!
He’s right there. I’m 100% visible. He can see EVERYTHING… And I peed!
I’ve never had someone this close to me and facing me as I’ve peed.
I feel on top of the world.