It’s a very weird thing to think about. It’s a weird fact to admit. But I don’t ever recall peeing when I was young. Younger!
Peeing in School that is!
How odd is that?
All through Grade School, all through High School, I never once recall peeing in those bathrooms.
How can I not remember something like that?
Especially since it’s a very huge fear of mine. You’d think I’d remember it all. But I can’t. Not one single time do I ever remember even stepping foot in the School’s Bathroom.
Lord knows I did. I had to have. I MUST have!
Why don’t I remember?
Why have I blocked it all out?
I don’t remember going into the johns, into the stalls, did they even have stalls? No heavy traffic, no guys banter, no hustle or bustle between classes… Nothing!
It blows my mind to think about it!
It makes me wonder, as impossible as it sounds, that I never used the bathrooms in School. At all!
Did I hold it all day? Did I have such a fear back then, way before I even knew what Paruresis was, that I held it in without thinking about it?
Was it just a natural thing I learned?
Could that really happen all the way back in Elementary? Kindergarten? As long as I can remember?
I think I must be nuts! But it could be…
Maybe I’ll have to see a shrink to uncover the truth. Find out why it’s blocked out… or if it even existed!
Have I been pee shy all my life? Since diapers?
It boggles my mind, but I’m leaning towards a strong “YES“.
How else can you explain no memory of such events?
Surely some traumatic things happened…
I vaguely recall getting a swirly in the 7th Grade… At least I think I did.
So I had to have gone in the bathroom once. Or dragged in…
Maybe it was the 5th Grade? 4th? Who knows???
It’s just a blurry past with no concrete evidence. I can’t pin-point anything, or any time. Did it happen to me? Was it someone else? My childhood really is a darkness that gives me very little light.
What’s in my past that I want to forget? Why couldn’t I pee back then? Why is it such a mystery?
I do remember peeing at home…
That I do know. When I was young, I remember being as quiet as a mouse as I snuck down the hall past my Dad’s open Bedroom. I didn’t want to wake him. I didn’t want to get yelled at or beat.
I would sneak down the hall, close the bathroom door as gently as I could (it creaked slightly). The door was only feet away from his headboard which was on the other side of the wall. He could hear everything. I could hear him breathing and snoring and rolling over. It was very unnerving.
I would close the door trying not to make him stir…
I learned to pee on the side of the toilet bowl to muffle my stream. I didn’t want to get caught. He wasn’t happy if you disturbed his sleep. I peed quietly and terrified.
I would grit my teeth and pee. And then once finished, I would have to flush the toilet, which sadly, flushed very loudly. It would always wake him. Not much I could do about that.
I would flush and then stand there frozen until the sounds finally went away. It took forever. I would listen for his breathing to begin again as he drifted off…
Only then would I open the door, scared to death, and sneak past his room, down the hall, and all the way to the other side of the house and upstairs to my safe bedroom. We only had the one bathroom. It was a LONG walk!
I hated that walk!
It was dreadful and made my heart race… sort of like now when I think about using the bathroom…
I remember peeing in total fear. But NOT at School.
I remember lunch periods and eating. I remember that my Aunt worked in the Cafeteria Lunch Room. But never did I pee in front of those kids that picked on me. Bullied me. I stayed away from the johns.
Decades later, I still stay away from the johns.
Is it because of my Dad? Is it because of the kid’s taunting?
I don’t know.
I just don’t remember!