I love Camping. I love the outdoors. I love the sleeping in tents. I love being in tune with nature. The trees. The water. The fresh air. I love everything about it…
But the Bathrooms!
Camp Site Bathrooms Suck!
It takes everything I have just to step foot in one of those open door, echo chambers. They’re always hot, dirty, stinky and wet.
You walk into these cement slabs and it reeks of gross, disgusting, smelly turds. There are no doors on the stalls, or if there are, they are loose, broken with large ass gaps. The toilets are just a big hole in the ground full of every nightmare on Earth!
Toilet paper is always big wads on the floor. The floor is wet and dripping and slippery. Plus, it smells like sewage.
And the Bugs…
There are always mosquitoes everywhere! BIG ASS MOSQUITOES! The largest blood suckers I have ever seen. WTF is their wingspan? WTF do they feed on? It’s like a Vampire Bat! They’re flying around, hitting your face, buzzing around your ear, landing on your neck, arms and penis…
It makes me want to scream!
Just the thought of getting bit drives me crazy. I swell up with big red welts the size of a quarter. It gets really itchy, raw and noticeable. I can’t stand it.
Just thinking about this bug that was just eating out of the toilet landing on my lip is horrifying. lol
I’ll bat my arms around like a crazy lunatic just to keep the bugs a float. It makes going pee much, much harder.
I Can Hear You!
I can hear women in the bathroom on the other side of the wall… the vents let everyone hear everything.
Did she just fart?
You can hear people outside talking. You can hear the loud footsteps and the crunch of dirt on cement as people come and go…
All the while I’m standing there, flailing around, hoping someone doesn’t push the broken door open and knock me into the hole of wonders. Did I say I love camping?
I could pee in the woods if I have to (but not poop). Keep in mind I can only pee if I know for certain there’s no one around that could possibly hear me. Even if there’s a remote possibility, I probably wouldn’t be able to go.
Unlike my friends… Whip it out and pee on a bush…
Peeing is such a simple, beautiful thing. Peeing in nature is calming and so natural. So free!
Except when it comes to ME!
I’m scared to death that someone may see me or hear me. I’m not right. I’m more scared thinking about NOT peeing, then I am with peeing.
I have no problems by myself. Alone in the comfort of my safe house, I’m good to go.
But not at camp. I block up. Frozen in my tracks listening to everyone else pee while I wait painfully until they finish and leave before I can finally try again.
It Takes Time.
If no one comes in for another couple of minutes, I may let my guard down and muster up the courage to dribble.
But if one lone camper trots in, I’m back to my Paruresis ways.
“Hurry up and leave!” I think. Leave so I can pee!
And if my friends are outside the john waiting for me, I might as well just give it up. That time limit is a killer.
People get real impatient. They’ll come into the bathroom to check on me “Are you taking a crap?” They’ll talk about me, laugh at me…
“Look Everyone! He’s Pee Shy!”
I end up holding my urine in for hours. Sometimes half the day.
I love camping because it takes you away from the stress of everyday life… It’s just too bad that it can’t take me away from the baggage I carry.
What I would give to leave Paruresis behind and enjoy myself on a camping trip without a care in the world as to peeing in restrooms.
It’s only a Shit Hole!
You’d think I wouldn’t care. But the truth is; I DO!
I worry about it. Analyze it to death. Maybe next time I’ll just stick to peeing in the woods?
There are no bugs in the woods are there? ;)