Avoidant Paruresis Suicide

The other day, I’m looking at my Google Analytics for my website here Shy Bladder HQ, and I’m checking out all of the search terms and keywords that bring people to my site.

Often it gives me topics to write about, plus I’m always curious to see what I show up for.

Today as I look, I see a phrase that stops me dead in my tracks, and I reread the words. They struck such a deep chord in me that I wanted to share it with you.

It read:

Avoidant Paruresis Suicide


Someone is actually searching for that phrase… And more than likely, it’s someone who has such a dire case of Pee Shyness that they’re actually contemplating suicide.

It’s scary to think about!

It touched my heart, it really did. For I know what it feels like, I’ve been there many, many times!

I’ve been to the point where Paruresis has beaten me up and taken me to rock bottom. I’ve been so filled with hate and self-loathing that I just wanted to end it all.

I wanted to be rid of my wicked condition one way or another! Rid of this living hell that it puts me through!

YES, I have thought about Suicide A LOT!

These last few years have been very tough on me, and having a social phobia stacked on top of that is just horrendous! I saw no out!!!

It really is such a crippling condition that you feel like you can’t function or enjoy life in the least. It eats you up and spits you out!

I have gone through tons of self-hate (you’ll see examples of this in my posts). I wondered why me? Why do I have this fucking miserable Bladder Shyness? What did I do to deserve it? It’s not fair!

I’ve been there. I’ve broken down into tears. I’ve pounded the wall. I’ve screamed at myself in the mirror. I just about ripped my hair out… it really did push me to the breaking point. When you’re in public dying to pee, and you try, and you can’t, it’s the worst feeling in the world! You feel like such a loser, and it affects your entire life.

Nothing compares!

The agony! The defeat! The despair! It’s too much to handle. Your body and mind is screaming, but your bladder just won’t listen. It refuses to obey and let go of its hold.

You’d rather throw yourself down a flight of stairs, or off the side of a bridge… I hated it! For a couple of months suicide was all I could think about!

I still think about it now, occasionally (I still feel it’s grip), but not as much as I did before. It lingers in the back of my mind, taunting me, ready to pounce when I’m weak. I often feel like I got the raw end-of-life, like I’m the butt of a joke, the laughing stock!

Only one thing has helped me overcome these dark, dangerous thoughts:


With every success that I have, it lifts my spirits higher and brightens my day. It gives me hope to carry on. It makes me focus on my future and not dwell upon my past failures. It has helped me tremendously, AND IT WILL HELP YOU TOO!

Paruresis Recovery

I seriously, in a million years, would have never, EVER thought that I would get to the point where I could pee in public, at a urinal no doubt (not hidden away in a stall like a scaredy-cat). I still can’t believe that I can pee with other guys around me, and even right next to me! It blows my mind!

I would have laughed at you a year ago if you would have ever said such a thing to me. I would have shook my head and said you were crazy!

There is no freaking way… NOPE!

But there was…

And it all began with that very first step!

As scary and as frightening as it is, I just had to start… and so do you!

Just know that there is no perfect time to start. There is never an “ideal” situation which permits it. You just have to start TODAY! Start now, like right now… don’t put it off again!

Because tomorrow never comes. It’s always right here, right now, and for some people, some people with Severe Paruresis that can’t seek help, or don’t sign up with the IPA Forums, or don’t Read Books on Recovery, then tomorrow may never come!

Seriously, they may give into their suicidal ways… as sad as it is, it happens.

But we have to stay strong, we have to keep our heads above water and not panic! We have to keep moving forward and try, and try, and never give up. For you have to believe in yourself. You have to do it! No one else can do it for you!


You can do it, I know, I’m doing it now! I’m living proof! I’m peeing in public!!!

I don’t have 100% success (and maybe never will, for I have been Pee Shy for over 47 years!) I may never be perfect, but I am at least 75% successful now, and THAT I LOVE! For under most circumstances I can and have peed in public thanks to recovery.

I have been peeing in public now for almost 6 months. I’m very proud of that fact. Six months of peeing in urinals is so cool!

In just six months of desensitization, I’ve only had one scary moment where I was very nervous and almost desperate about having to pee in public (opening day at the ballpark). But other than that I’ve had enormous success. I’ve had such great success peeing on a plane (a constant nightmare of mine) that it’s flooded me with emotion and literally made me cry in my seat!

I couldn’t help myself, it just came out! That’s how happy it made me!

So there really is hope for all of us!

Read how it all began with me and my recovery back in October 2013! I pretty much walk you through my journey step-by-step, day by day… until now, where I still log each and every public bathroom adventure success or not.

Avoidant Paruresis Suicide!

Today, I probably have peed successfully in public about 100 times or more! And trust me, that’s beyond all comprehension to me!

I didn’t know I had it in me. So I’m overjoyed that I stuck through the pain and depression. I’m happy that I kept fighting and struggled through my fears and phobias. I’m happy that I started my recovery with my Pee Buddy Mike, and I’m happy that I learned how to do Breath Hold, for it really does work!

I’m very happy that I forced myself to do Fluid Loading, which I didn’t think would work in the least, but it did!!! I’m very happy that I forced myself to leave the house with a full bladder as well. It works like a charm!!! It worked for me, and it WILL work for you too!


Don’t give in to suicide! Don’t, just DON’T!

Never let it win! You need to take control of your thoughts and your behaviors! You have to focus forward and make yourself walk the road to recovery!

It won’t be easy (I put it off for almost 2 years), but the path you’re on is not easy either! One path leads to destruction, the other leads to redemption… so change your route, change your mind, change your negative handcuffs!

Cry out for help if you need to!

Contact Me, I’ll do everything I can to assist and motivate! But above all else, believe in yourself… Believe with all of your heart that it will get better… For it always does!

Take tiny steps to start…

Baby steps… Little by little, inch by inch, and sooner or later you will get there!

For tomorrow is another day, a brighter day, and you will succeed!

I guarantee it!

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5 Responses to Avoidant Paruresis Suicide

  1. Tom says:

    I feel hopeless and pathetic. I’m pathetic.
    My girlfriend is in mourning, she lost a family member. I manage to absorb the attention at such an in appropriate time. Make it about me. Spending a few days away from home with her family and it hits hard. My bladder is aching. It hurts to move, I will get epididymitis from this again. I’m crying, I feel suicidal. Suicidal thoughts have become so regular again. Thoughts of normal life feel painful and impossible to live through.
    Thoughts of getting old make me sick.
    Paruresis has ruined my life, makes it unbearable.
    It was defeatable in some situations a long time ago and now it’s certain to have me in pain untill I get home again. Even when I get home I can’t for about an hour.
    I just am so sick of this.
    I’m so sick of life to be honest.
    I hate myself, I hate myself for hating myself, I’m so horrible to myself and I hate that.
    I bully myself.
    I’m stuck in this loop.
    I need help, I don’t want help.
    I want to be isolated until I die.
    I don’t deserve my girlfriend.

  2. Richard says:

    Tom. Don’t give up. Don’t give in to it… FIGHT through it. You must get back to practicing and getting a handle on things. Force yourself through the difficulty and work on desensitizing yourself. Fluid loading. Breath hold… They are a way to overcome this and stand tall. I totally understand where you’re coming from, but I also know that you have to keep making yourself uncomfortable in order to succeed and become stronger. Practice fluid loading. It will save your life. Practice breath hold. It works. Don’t feel hopeless or entertain the thought about giving up… DON’T! Take a deep breath, focus on the future, and beat this. You can. You said you defeated it before in certain situations… Work on getting back to that. And you can only do that by not shutting down. Start working on desensitization now. And then, every single day things will get better. Little by little. Until one day you find yourself able to handle most situations again. Maybe not 100% at first, but if you keep trying, it will be 100%. Just never stop. Never. Start breaking down that wall today. We’re in this together. -Richard

  3. Dimitar says:

    Hello Richard,

    thanks for posting this.

    Thanks for the reply to Tom, it gives me confidence to face the difficult parts of recovery because I have the same problem.

  4. Tom says:

    Hi Richard and Dimitar,

    I have had a really tough time lately, I went to another country for a period of time to see my family. I had the most awful time over there, Lots of pain, and i think I hit the most serious bladder pain I have ever felt. Alarm bells screaming in my brain I had held my urine for so long.
    I have suffered with serious Paruresis since I was 14 years old, I am 27 now.
    I went to A&E with bladder spasms recently, only to be told I am fine and had to pay 100 euro for the privilege.

    All of these things in life build up, and I swear I have a self destruct button at the top of my bladder and when it is full suicide becomes a valid option.
    If I am to commit suicide, I will do so with a full bladder.

    Thank you so much Richard, I really appreciate your optimism. However I dont think I ever see myself beating this condition. It feel like it is out of my control.
    I have become more avoidant than ever, never leaving the house unless it is to work, and sometimes I fail myself at work, but sometimes I can handle it.
    The way home is often painful and unbearable, each footstep hurts.

    I dehydrate myself so I dont have to pee at work.

    No one takes this seriously. Shy bladder sounds harmless, but we all know it is not.
    I dont know if Paruresis is the cause or a symptom of my depression, but I often feel suicidal.
    I dont think a normal person has the suicide card in the deck, for me its an every day thought.

    It has stunted my life in so many ways, I am a musician.. a very social endeavor, needless to say I confine all of my hard work and talents to my own home never leaving the house to play music, never to progress with my passion.

    I will get back to my gradual exposure and keep trying but I am beaten every time and have the painful walk of shame back home with each footstep causing bladder pain and reminding me of my failure all while my brain beats me up about it. Calling me pathetic, shameful and ridiculous.

    I really appreciate and feel for all of you people.
    I hope you all get better.
    Thanks so much for your help.
    It means so much.

  5. Richard says:

    Hi Tom. Thanks for all your comments and words, and what you say is so truthful, we all understand. It does seem that our condition hands us a suicide card free of charge. But that’s the paruresis talking. It doesn’t. It just feels that way. Sure we have an uphill battle, and it does seem like we can never, and will never overcome it, but then a little light comes through and we start getting backbone and progress, and it spurs us on to accomplish things we could never imagine doing. That’s the cool thing about being human. Our will power. Our drive and determination. Our will to never give up. You can do this Tom. You do have the power. It all starts with getting rid of the words “I can’t.” That’s a lie. You can. It’s mental, not physical. You have to force yourself into being uncomfortable. Force yourself into doing it whether you like it or not. Force yourself over and over until it gradually gets easier. And then don’t stop. Keep working it. Keep feeling the success propel you. It’s amazing what we can do, and what we’re capable of. Never say never. You can and you will. Try. Fluid load. Make yourself go in public no matter what. If you fail. Don’t go home. Try again. And again. Until you finally beat it. And then tomorrow. Do it again. It’s the only way. I never thought I could when I started… I thought it was impossible. I was wrong. And I’m so happy I was wrong. Keep at it. Keep your chin up. We stand together. Proud. :) -Richard

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