I am pushing myself like I’ve never pushed before. Making myself do uncomfortable things that only existed in my nightmares.
Today, I drank!
I had 3 cups of coffee before I left the hotel room. Generally I’d pee like 2-3 times before I’d get to the point where I’d feel “empty” and “safe“, but today, I peed just once.
I figure if I have to pee, I’ll pee at the Convention or the Casino!
Me and Mike get to the Convention early. It’s packed. Pretty much shoulder to shoulder. I wanted to get myself a coffee (which in retrospect wouldn’t have been a wise mode, for it would have been bumped and spilled), but they were out of coffee, so that wasn’t happening.
So for the next 2 hours I had nothing to drink (not what I wanted).
We go through a couple of rows of vendors, meet and greet people (there were 5 rows in all), and then decide to break and get a bite to eat (after all, we have 3 days of this).
So now, it’s Pizza Time!
We eat pizza, which was good and greasy. I order an Orange Cream Soda. I was hoping that by now I’d have to pee, but there was no urge yet. So after lunch, I stop at a coffee shop and grab a LARGE Cappuccino (it’s so weird to drink so much in public).
I figured we’d wander around and in a little bit I’d have to use the bathroom. I’ve never used a urinal in a Casino before, so that will be a new experience to me.
As we near a set of restrooms, Mike says he needs to go. He goes in while I wait (I still have no urge). He comes back out in a minute or two and says that those bathrooms may be tough for me.
I Ask Why?
He says it’s just a wall of urinals with no dividers!
My head spins a little from this. That’s REALLY pushing it!
So we walk the Casino for a bit (it’s so smokey and musty and stale in here), and I still feel no urge. It kind of baffles me. So I decide to up the ante…
I had already finished my coffee and I tell Mike:
“I want to get some Water!”
So as soon as we find a store, I go in and buy a 16 oz. bottle.
And for the next 5 minutes I proceed to guzzle it. I want to heighten my urgency to pee, which still hasn’t surfaced yet.
I must be really scared or nervous, because my body and mind is fighting this urge big time. It’s on lock down and giving me zero signals!
I keep thinking about the bathroom with no dividers.
Can I do it?
Do I have enough guts?
Surely if I had enough urgency, but right now, it seemed like a million miles away.
1/2 hour later, I can feel my urge to pee begin, slightly, finally. I was actually holding my breath in the Casino, not all the way, but just to get that feeling… the feeling you get right before you have to pee.
After coaxing it for a couple of more times, I tell Mike that “I’m ready to try“.
We head towards the Bathroom!
Mike waits outside as I head in. I instantly see that the bathroom is divided into two areas. The sinks are in the middle, stalls on the left and the wall of urinals on the right. There were probably 20 urinals in all, and yes, there were NO dividers!
Now I could have gone into the stall side, but I’m really forcing myself to avoid them. I don’t want to hide the fact that I’m peeing anymore. I want to be seen and heard!
There are 4 guys at the urinals, spaced apart nicely. But, because of their spacing, I would either have to stand next to someone, or go to the very end and use the very last urinal. And at this moment, with no high urgency, I figured that would be better for me anyway. So to the end I go!
I step up, unzip and wait.
Guys are moving in and moving out quickly. The toilets are automatically flushing. The sinks are going. Commotion, Feet, Peeing, Drying… No one’s Talking!
I stand there and my urgency isn’t increasing. Damn!
My heart is racing. It’s racing so much that I know there is only one way out… Breath Hold!
So I hold my breath, and hold it, and hold it…
Finally at about 40 seconds in, I feel myself loosen up a bit and a little urine comes out. But then as I begin to breath again, it locks up once more. RATS!
The funny thing is, I thought those undivided urinals would be harder to use, but they didn’t feel any different from the rest of them. Granted, there was no one directly next to me, so that might have felt really different, but I don’t think it had to do with that at all. It was just the urgency. Maybe it was the 2 hours of not drinking and being crushed in that crowd of sardines? I’m pretty sure my “Social Phobia” kicked it up a notch then.
I wait and relax and try to see if I can go some more.
It’s NOT happening!
I try to ignore all the traffic around me. I’m not worried about how long it’s taking me either. I just want to go!
Finally I resort to trying Breath Hold again.
I hold my breath and keep it held until I finally start to pee again.
This time I pee more… not all the way, but more. Then it stops again. Dagnabbit!
It’s playing games with me!
I finally give in, zip and walk away.
When I head out, Mike looks at me. I tell him that I kept locking up and only got a little out.
“Well, it’s better than nothing, right?”
True. But emptying my bladder fully would have been better. Of course!
Maybe it WAS the urinals with no dividers? Would that have changed things?
Maybe if I drank another bottle of water???
I really can’t say!
If I had waited around longer I probably could have made another attempt, and it probably would have succeeded, but we were heading back to the hotel to look up new info on the contacts we gained at the show.
And wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I get back to the hotel room… I PEE!
At least I did leave the bathroom door wide open as I did…
So while it wasn’t a complete failure, it was still something that I’ve never done before.
- I walked into a busy Casino Bathroom
- I stepped up to the Urinals
- I Peed a little using Breath Hold
Now I know that I probably could have used those stalls, I mean, they did look almost fully enclosed, the doors went all the way to the floor except for about 6 inches or so. But I told myself that I’d only use them in case of emergency, or if I had no other choice. I’m going to always make myself take the difficult route. Face those Demons!
That’s the only way I’ll be able to recover. Chop off it’s head!
So while I’m a little disappointed with not peeing fully in the Casino Bathroom, I’m still pushing myself and my limits in public. And that’s cool!
I’m very happy for what I’ve done, and I know that this is only the beginning! We’re here for 3 more days, and there’s many more attempts to be made, and many more Casino Bathrooms to pee in.
I shall Succeed!
Sooner or later, that’s my goal.
I’m determined to see it through! :)