Gradual Exposure Therapy Day 27

Not much new to talk about today, I peed with my Pee Buddy Mike all day with no problems.

I did attempt to hold my breath (Breath Hold) for most of them, but I’m not very good at it. I end up giving up and gasping before I even get close to peeing.

I need to practice that more, and more often if I want to succeed. Like every time I urinate!

For a better cause…

Tonight, I had a Charity Event to attend. Big function, tons of people, one small bathroom.

The night was long. 5 hours. Much longer than I anticipated, which is good because it kept my anxiety level down. There were Hors D’oeuvre, Auctions, Wine Tasting, Friends and Fun! (I don’t get to dress up very often)

Bathroom time

Well, halfway through the night, me and Mike are walking around and he says “I need to use the bathroom“.

Well, I hesitated as he took off for a second… I hesitated because one of my goals this week was to step into a public restroom and stand at a urinal for a couple of minutes…. My goal was to do this twice this week, and so far, I’ve failed!

So I hesitate for a brief second, and then just start following him in. “I can do this” I tell myself. Just go in and stand there…

I go in right after Mike!

He glances back and sees it’s me. He gives me a crazy eye… (like what are you doing?)

I just smirk a little. He goes up to the last of 3 vacant urinals…

Gradual Exposure Therapy Day 27

I step up to urinal #1. I figure 1 is good because if someone else enters, they’ll grab the center slot.

Mike again looks at me surprised. He knows I’m Pee Shy and can’t believe that I’m using a public urinal…

I stand there quiet and face forward. My heart is racing. Someone else who was in the bathroom left, I can hear the door open and close behind me…

The funny thing about bathroom doors and where they’re positioned is half the time when they are open, anybody walking by can look in and see you peeing at the urinal. Not cool!

That’s how this door was. If I wanted to, I could crane my head around and stare out the door at people… ha! I didn’t, but I hate the feeling of eyes on the back of my head.

I’m being watched!

So I stand there and stand there… Mike pees quickly, like 20 seconds, and he goes to the sink to wash up.

Now it’s just me and 2 empty urinals. I’m just standing there, not even contemplating peeing because I didn’t need to pee (which is the best time to pretend). I’m doing this just for practice and to calm my screaming nerves.

I can hear Mike drying his hands now. I can’t believe someone hasn’t walked in yet…

Mike’s about done. I can’t take it anymore. I flush, zip and head to the sink

As I wash up, Mike says to me “Did you go?

I laugh. “NO! I wasn’t trying to go! I’m desensitizing!

You flushed!

I laugh again. “It’s all for appearances and practice”.

He nods confused. “It’s just us in here“.

“I know” (I actually didn’t, but I did then).

No matter (if someone were to walk in as I was walking away, they’d know I didn’t flush). Bah! I need to do this. I have to get used to urinals and bathrooms and being so open and seen. It’s the only way to tackle my fear.

If it takes me pretending long enough to feel comfortable with them, which in itself, will allow me to pee over time, then it’s all worth while.

One step at a time!

For now, I’ll fake it.

Flush, Wash, Dry…

No one is the wiser.

No one cares but me.

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