I guess I should be lucky. My Paruresis is just a Mild form (from what I’ve read).
I can pee in public, if the conditions are right.
The right stall. The right amount of noise. The right amount of light traffic (or none at all) and time…
Yes, given enough time I CAN pee.
As long as I relax enough, feel safe enough, and don’t feel under pressure or rushed for time, I can go.
I may go in bits and pieces, a squirt here, a squirt there, but over time, I can finish.
As of yet, I have never made myself sit down to pee. I don’t like the idea of getting VD or Crabs or whatever else you can get if your butt touches the toilet.
Even knowing that I can pile a ton of toilet paper or those toilet covers on top to protect myself, I still can’t bring myself to using them.
It’s either I pee standing, or I don’t.
But I will NOT sit!
Which also means: I don’t shit in public!
That’s a deed I’ve never done anywhere else except for home and an occasional hotel room (oh, and once on a plane… for 25 minutes… I thought my ass died… I had no choice!).
I’ve never taken a poo at work. It’s hard enough to pee there, let alone drop my drawers.
From what I’ve read about in the books I bought (see right), and the (Paruresis.org online forums is this; I have a Mild Case of Paruresis.
Some people have it much worse than me (Severe). Some people can only go pee in public if there is a single facility bathroom with a lock on the door.
Others can only go at home, and wouldn’t dare try anywhere else. Still others have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), Panic Attacks and even Claustrophobia mixed in as well. I can’t even image that combo.
Some people say they have not been to any social activity like Ball Games or Theater or even Dinner for fear of the odds that they may have to pee… and that’s something they’d rather not face.
I feel Sorry for them!
That much fear is crippling, overwhelming and exhausting. So I am very, very lucky.
I’ll take a Mild case any day.
I’m just hoping that mine doesn’t get worse. It’s been getting slowly worse as I get older. I feel myself more and more worried about where I can go, and when I can go and what I’ll find if I do go…
But right now, it’s still Mild.
A Mild case is good
I’ve read that Mild Paruretics can cure themselves much easier than any Severe case can.
Come back to the light Richard…
I do allow myself to go to Sporting Events, Plays, Parties, Musicals and Dinners… Even if I know it will be a long night. I go to them knowing I’ll just probably hold my urine all night.
I have to. I love these types of outings and am not going to let my Paruresis ruin my life.
It weighs heavily on me.
But if you called me up and said “Hey Richard, let’s go to the Movies” I’d say “Sure, When and Where?“
Yes, I know I’ll have to go hours without peeing. Sometimes I can pee before the show. I make myself try. Just give me a little time and a quiet enough bathroom and (with a little inner pep talk) I can go.
This tells me that I can make quick progress. Someday I may be able to pee in front of strangers. Some Day!
I’ve thought back in my life and I’ve realized something daunting… I can’t ever remember peeing in front of strangers before. Which means, I can’t remember ever truly using a urinal in my life. It’s always been a stall.
Does that still mean I’m Mild?
I think about standing at a urinal in the men’s room and my heart begins to race. Am I man enough for that? How mild am I?
We’ll see! One Day at a time. I’m talking about it. Thinking about it. Writing about it. Laying it all out on the line…
It’s not so scary once you deal an open deck.
I’ve got a full house now…
I’ll have the royal flush! :)