This post will show everyone how fucked up I really am.
We have a half bathroom in our house. It’s big enough for a toilet and a sink and that’s about it.
About 2 months ago, I was standing at the toilet peeing and I just happened to look up at the ceiling.
There was a small spider in the corner with a big fat black belly.
I looked at the spider (who doesn’t frighten me in the least), seeing if I could tell if it was alive or not. I finished my business and left.
A couple of days later I found myself back in that bathroom again looking up at the spider. It was in a new position in its web.
I’m standing there with my dick in my hand and what do I do? I blow air towards the spider. My breath moves the web and in return, the spider readjusts itself.
It’s alive and no doubt, staring back at me. I wonder how long the spider can live. After all, there are no flies in my house.
Days later, I revisit the spider. He’s certainly made a home for himself. The web is connected against 2 walls and you can’t miss the darkness of his body against the stark white background. It stands out like a sore thumb.
It’s about that time that I think about the spider’s eyes. I think I’m being watched!
I wonder if spiders have eyes like flies and are looking at me with 88 pupils?
I also wonder if the spider is thinking “Why does he take so long to pee versus any other guy?“
This is quite funny to me and I chuckle out loud at my stupidity.
A spider doesn’t think that…
A couple of days later I find myself chatting with my spider friend.
YES! You read that right (I always talk to myself when I’m alone. I also speak to plants… so why is a spider so different?).
I say to the spider:
“Are you looking at me?”
I say it like Joey on Friends “You talking to me?” :)
I blow on the spider again to get it to move.
It’s really making me wonder what this lone dark spider in the corner is thinking. Do they even know what we’re doing? I find myself getting slowly obsessed with this spider. Every time I go into the john, the spider is there looking at me looking back up at him.
Sometimes I just stand there for 2 minutes staring at it before I pee.
I stare at the spider in wonderment. It’s starting to bug me.
That’s when I realize that I’m becoming uncomfortable with this stupid spider around.
It’s always looking at me. I can feel its gaze. And now, I’m doing the same thing. I can’t take my eyes off it…
The first thing I do when I go into that bathroom is look up at the ceiling to see if my friend is still there.
Of course he is.
He’s waiting for me.
Staring at me.
OH COME ON…
A spider taunting me?
All those big beady black eyes are sizing me up. It’s getting under my skin. I’m becoming concerned because I’m obsessed with a silly spider who does nothing but quietly wait and watch…
So what do I do?
After weeks of this progressing, me looking up and trying to pee in front of this 8 legged creature, I finally had enough.
I threw some toilet paper at the spider (took me 3 attempts to hit it), and it dropped and fell into the trash can. I quickly took the spider outside and let it go (It’s an animal thing, I hate to kill them).
Finally my bathroom is spider free. Rid of all 88 eyes.
I certainly felt relieved that I’m not being watched anymore. I can pee in peace now.
But now, something funny happens…
I still look up at the ceiling
Every time I go into the bathroom to pee, I still look back up at the ceiling, just to make sure that the spider isn’t there.
Is this crazy? Maybe. Compulsive? You bet!
To this day, there are no more spiders.
I can pee with no problems (as long as the house is empty of course).
Who would have thought that my disorder would chip away at me over such a silly little thing?
But then again, not peeing is a silly little thing, right?
I could understand being pee shy in front of a dog or a cat… but a spider?
Looking back up at the ceiling…