One of my goals this week is to enter 2 public restrooms, not to pee, but to just stand there at the urinals for 3 full minutes to desensitize.
It doesn’t sound like much. Doesn’t sound like a long time. But to a Paruretic, it seems like a lifetime.
Standing there with other guys entering the bathroom, standing at the urinals next to me, peeing and leaving is about the height of my anxiety.
I need to get over this fear I have, and the only way to do that, is just to do it!
Well, it’s now Thursday night, and how many bathrooms have I stepped into this week so far???
NONE!
Not a one!
This is so maddening to me. I’ve had ample opportunities to accomplish these little tasks, yet I’ve failed miserably.
I didn’t even try!
So let’s recap all the different places I’ve gone this week:
Walgreens, Target, Sears, Costco, Krogers, Menards, Meijers, Sams Club, 2 different Restaurants, 1 Jeweler, and the Moveis (at the mall no doubt).
All those places, and not ONE visit to the loo!
I get a big, fat FAIL!
12 places down the drain, and I only needed to accomplish 2.
It really doesn’t sound too difficult. In fact, it sounds easy as pie. lol I’m not asking myself to actually urinate… just stand there for a couple of minutes and pretend to.
Nothing else!
Sigh!
Why are bathrooms such a trepidation to me? Why is it so difficult to even get up the courage to step foot in them?
I wish I knew the answer.
Instead, I continue to pee at home with my Pee Buddy (Mike) present (today is day 26 in my Paruresis Recovery).
I’ve also been trying Breath Hold Techniques again, but half the time I forget, and the other half I can only hold my breath for about 40 seconds, which is way too short for me to even feel like I need to pee.
It seems like all holding my breath does is prevent me from peeing in front of Mike longer. Once I stop and gasp for air, I can usually then pee.
Go figure!
Me and my messed up body!
I still have 2 days left to accomplish my goals, so it’s not over yet.
I know tomorrow night I’m going to a charity event, where there’ll be lots of people and busy bathrooms (although small bathrooms)… I suppose I could try to stand at the urinals there…
I’m just so terrified!
What if one of the guys who stands next at the urinals to me is someone I know?
Will they talk to me?
Will they see that I’m NOT peeing?
The Horrors I dream up…
The Horrors I say!
