Exposure Therapy Day Six

Attempt 1: I peed in the bathroom with my Pee Buddy (Mike) a foot away. He was leaning against the open door way facing out.

I left the light off this time, so the reflection wouldn’t be in the window (it was still dark out).

I went in 20 seconds flat. No problems.

I can tell that Mike is really getting bored with this. He’s doing a lot of moving around, shuffling and foot tapping.

That’s good for me because it adds anxiety, but I do feel bad at having him stand there, sometimes minutes on end.

I forge ahead. I have to become comfortable with this.

The second and third attempt (why am I calling them attempts?) was a success as well.

It’s time to up the Difficulty!

3 P.M.

I tell Mike to stand in the bathroom directly behind me as I pee (facing away from me and into the mirror of course).

I pee, but I pee slowly. Every now and then he shifts his feet and I can feel his back bump mine. He’s that close!

Gradual Exposure Therapy Day Six

You can’t really get any closer than that.

I pee and finish in about 1 1/2 minutes.

I feel amazed at this!

Especially since he CAN see me in the mirror. Granted I’m facing away from him, but he can see me standing at the toilet. He couldn’t actually “see” me peeing, but then no one else in a public bathroom would be facing me and seeing me pee either unless there happened to be a trough.

I will say that peeing this way does make things more difficult. It takes me longer to go and finish.

The next step after this one will be to have him face my back. That will add extra anxiety and heighten all my alarms.

I’m only a few steps away from taking this out in the field.

But for now, I’d like to get to the point where I can pee side by side with my Pee Buddy at the toilet. That’s the ultimate test! If I can handle that, I believe I can pee in public.

We’ll see. We’ll see…

4 P.M. UGH! I have to pee again! This is what I get for drinking so much coffee (I read that coffee ups your anxiety level, and I drink LOTS of it!). Not good!

So I’m standing at the toilet trying to pee. Mike stands behind me again facing away. It takes me a minute to go…

I finally start peeing slowly and Mike is getting really bored and restless. He’s facing the mirror and he starts doing stupid stuff: making faces, moving from side to side, pulling hairs from his chest… I’m trying to ignore him, but I can clearly see him in the reflection of the picture hanging on the back wall.

He’s now moving rapidly from side to side stretching his neck to see over my shoulder. It makes me laugh, but I keep peeing.

He says to me “What would you do if I suddenly turned around?

Probably lock up” I say. Whether this is true or not, me just thinking that would probably MAKE it true!

For now, I’m peeing with someone else in the bathroom with me. It’s only been 6 days.. what will I be like in a month?

11 P.M.

I spoke too soon!

What happened tonight totally floors me. I don’t understand it at all.

We meet up with some friends at a Mexican Restaurant. We’re there for 3 hours. Everyone else has to get up to pee… all except me.

(I remember Mike telling me “You won’t like that bathroom“)

Me not peeing in public is normal though. AND I didn’t have to pee, I had no urge in the least. So I didn’t worry about it. Plus, I knew we were only 5 minutes from home, so it’s no big deal.

We get home around 9 P.M. I still don’t have an urge to go (Now that’s odd!)

9:30 comes around…

Still no urge. I decide to drink some water, so I guzzle a 16 oz bottle. That should help!

I wait and watch TV. Ten o’clock rolls around. Mike has gone to the bathroom about 3 times since we’ve been back. Me: Nothing!

I decide to “try” to go, because I know that I would normally go, and if I was alone I probably would have gone.

I stand at the toilet. Mike’s behind me. And I wait. And Wait. And Wait.

4 long Minutes go by and all I get out is a drop. That’s it!

I cut the session short for now and tell him I’ll try again in a little while.

After 1/2 hour, I try again: NOTHING!

WTF?

I’m totally locked up. Mike’s really, really bored. He’s tired of standing there. He’s leaning on the counter and I can hear him yawning like crazy.

I pee another drop or two, then nothing more.

I know I have to pee now. I just can’t. I’m feeling like a loser!

Why is this happening now?

What changed? After all my progress this week, I feel like I’m back at square one.

I give up and drink more water. I sit back on the couch. I know I have to go. I can feel it. I certainly know if I went without Mike, I’d be peeing in seconds…

But I’m locked up and hating it.

I try to relax. Not think about it. I start looking for excuses. Maybe I’m too full? Maybe the alcohol locked me up? Maybe I ate too much cheese? lol Something, Anything???

Mike’s getting ready for bed. I decide to try one last time.

It’s 11:00 P.M.

This time, I back pedal and tell him to stand outside the open bathroom door leaning on the wall facing out. This should be easy for me since I’ve been doing this for 3 days now…

AND…

I can’t pee!

I get out a little squirt, that’s it! Talk about frustrating!

I know I have to pee” I tell Mike “It’s like when I’m on the plane for 5 hours and I’m dying to go, but I still can’t. It’s horrible! I literally feel like I’ll piss my pants and yet my body still locks up. I feel like such a failure!

You’re NOT a failure” Mike says “Look at how far you’ve come this week!”

I know.

I have.

But not tonight!

He heads off to bed. I walk into the kitchen and ponder tonight. This blows! I’m not very happy with myself.

I walk down the hallway, step into the bathroom, and pee withing 10 seconds.

I wish I knew what caused my derailment tonight. Because I was doing so well.

I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Because not peeing sucks!

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