Merry Christmas Anxiety

All week I’ve been very anxious. I’ve been thinking about Christmas Eve and my yearly tradition.

I meet up with a bunch of my friends at a nice restaurant. We eat. We drink. We celebrate Christmas and our good friendships.

I love my friends dearly, I love the food and the drinks…

Christmas Pee Shy

But my bashful bladder really gets to me.

I start thinking all week “I’m not going to be able to pee for hours” I’m going to have to sit through another long night and hope that my bladder holds out on me and that I won’t have to piss.

It really is a long time to hold it. It’s painful. It’s distracting. It pretty much ruins the night because that’s all I can think about.

And here I am, for days before hand thinking about that one night and whether I’ll get to enjoy myself. Will I have to force myself into a situation I fear and dread the most? Using the bathroom?

It makes for a wonderful week. The ball is rolling downhill…

And what’s funny is the fact that I know this negative thinking just adds fuel to the fire. I know it’ll make matters worse and by the time this weekend comes I’ll be totally obsessed with trying to be normal and trying not to pee.

It’s such a stupid thing. I’m such a stupid mess.

Christmas Eve

And sure enough Christmas Eve gets here, and I’m getting ready to go. My anxiety is heightened.

I pee before I leave knowing it may be a long, long time before I pee again.

I put my coat on and I can feel my anxiety kick in even more. The time is here… But wait. I have to pee again.

Always before I go out, I have to pee a couple of times, sometimes 3 or 4 times within a couple of minutes. It depends on how long I dawdle…

That’s messed up!

I think I must have a small bladder or something, but right after I go, because my phobia is raised, I’ll have to go again.

Even if it’s just a tiny squirt, it makes me feel like I have to really pee.

I can’t leave the house feeling like that. If I left the house feeling like I had to pee to begin with, I’d really be in danger.

So instead, I stand there for another couple of minutes and pee again.

I get to the door and stop.. Can you believe it…

I have to Pee again

Seriously! I hate this feeling. That pressure is already fucking with my mind. I pee another couple of drops… How aggravating is this? It drives me crazy!

I Pee.

Pee once more, and then I finally head out the door… No turning back now.

The urge to Pee

An hour and a half later, I’m having fun and laughing with my friends and I feel the slight urge to urinate.


The night is young and that’s not a good sign.

I ignore it (like I always do). I try to get into the conversation and fun and festiveness, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking… “I need to pee!

Plus, I also know that if I hold it and need to pee, it’ll only make matters worse. I’ll have a harder time peeing when I do.

It’s like I keep building up that wall making the entire process much more difficult.

And all it is is a simple bathroom break. But instead, I hold my urine for over 5 hours. And the last couple of hours were a real pain. I was highly discomfortable and wanted nothing more but to leave the party and relieve my bladder.

But I couldn’t. I had to drop a few friends off at their homes first. This makes the night even longer and makes my condition even more painful.

Not to mention the fact that it’s cold out which always perpetuates the urge to go, and the fact that the back roads are extremely bumpy and every single bump and thump makes my bladder scream and my mind explode.

I hate feeling this way. What am I doing to myself? Why do I put myself through this agony?

Only when I get back home and run to the bathroom do I finally find some peace.

It makes me want to cry!

Long nights just kill me. I put on a happy face so no one will suspect, but one day, one day I’ll probably just piss myself in public (and then I’d never go out again), or I would just die from an enlarged bladder.

Won’t that make the evening memorable?

Merry Christmas!

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