Paruresis Recovery Day 61

Wow! I’ve been doing desensitization with my Pee Buddy for 2 Months now.

2 Whole Months!

Mike stands next to me as I Pee, and even though it’s easier than it used to be, I can tell that I’m still bashful about it.

It takes me longer to Pee, even when I really have to go.

I Pee! I Do! But many times I feel that I need to Pee again shortly afterwards, like I didn’t get it all out the first time.

I also know that if he’s looking down, it still bugs me. I have to try to put it out of my mind and concentrate more on peeing. It’s tough to keep my brain from thinking such stupid things as “He’s Staring at my Dick!

Paruresis Recovery Day 61

Why do we Think that way?

It’s Completely Ludicrous!

I still find myself dehydrating before I go out for the night. I still find myself staring at the bathrooms in my usual nervous anxiousness.

I’m even awkward on those days that I have to excuse myself, like at a restaurant, to go to the restroom. I feel like my friends stop and are suddenly staring at me and thinking “He’s going to the BATHROOM? Hey, Everybody LOOK! He’s going to PEE!

I’ve been working on it though. Slowly but surely. This week I’ve been in 2 public bathrooms already, I only need one more to meet my goals.

The First Bathroom

The first bathroom was on Sunday at Costco. And it was B U S Y ! ! !

There were guys every where. 2 at the urinals, 3 at the sinks, one drying, one in the stall, and even an employee cleaning up (with a bright blue shirt on that was distracting).

I mosied on up to the 1st urinal, unzipped, and stood there (I didn’t have to pee).

The guy next to me finishes and heads to the sink. Another guy steps up 20 seconds later and he pees really, really fast. He’s done and GONE! Outta there!

I can see the employee in blue out of the corner of my eye, he’s just a blue blur moving back and forth. He’s in the stall, at the sink, at the trash bin…

Lots of Noise, People Moving, Water Running, Dryers…

It’s like Central Station!

The stall clears out. The blue boy leaves. Now there’s just 3 left, me, some guy at urinal #3, someone at the sink… And I’m not peeing, just soaking in the chaos and atmosphere.

Someone else enters and steps up to the center urinal. Someone else leaves.

Blue Boy is back and I have no idea what he’s doing…

Finally, I step back, wash and leave.

That was a crazy ordeal. So much Commotion, so much Noise, Disorder, Sensory Overload

And then I think…

Did anyone notice little ole me? Did anyone see I wasn’t peeing?

Nope! Not in the least!

Second Bathroom

My second trip this week, was at my favorite restaurant on Christmas Eve (FILET – Medium Rare to die for!) Every year I go with my Friends and we have a blast (remember my Merry Christmas Anxiety Post Years Ago?). This year is no different.

We all get seated at a table by the fireplace (AWESOME), but what was interesting, and I didn’t plan this, but my seat was at the end and it directly faced the hallway with the bathrooms. I could literally see every guy coming and going all night. Even if I didn’t want to see it, it was hard not to. It was in my face.

Most guys only use the bathroom once, maybe twice in a given evening. I did see one elderly gentleman use the bathroom 3 times… But I also saw a young guy use the bathroom three times. He stood out because he was wearing a bright peach shirt on. I saw him go into the john 3 times in just 2 hours. That’s a lot! I’d say he was probably 20 years old, and I wouldn’t have noticed as much, but that shirt really grabbed your eye.

You couldn’t NOT see him!

I figure he’s either drinking a LOT, or he’s got some peeing issues. I know I’ve certainly gone to the bathroom a couple of times just waiting for the right opportunity to pee.

He could be Paruretic?

Who knows?

After sitting there for a while, and after all my friends had been up to pee, I finally made my move towards the end of the night.

When I stood to go, I didn’t look at Mike because I didn’t want to see it in his eyes “You’re going to try to pee here?

I head into the bathroom (no, the guy with the peach shirt was not in there at the time), and I see 2 people. One at the first urinal, one at the sink.

I step up to the 3rd and last urinal

Just as I step up, the first urinal finishes and he goes to the sink.

And of course, the entire 3 minutes that I’m in there, no one else enters and no one else comes to pee. Just me!

See, if I was a normal guy who could pee with no problems, I’d be able to pee and get out and never have to deal with another man…

So there you go. 2 Bathrooms so far and only one to go.

I’m sure I’ll hit that bathroom Tomorrow.

What will I experience?

You just never know!

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3 Responses to Paruresis Recovery Day 61

  1. college kid says:

    wow richard… I have been reading your posts on and off, just because I find them kind of interesting. That’s great to see that you have gotten further with your “desensitization” (whatever you would call it). I use quotes there because I am not sure if “desensitization” is the right word to use for a process that won’t necessarily address your primary issues. That’s not to say, however, that stepping up to urinals with an empty bladder doesn’t require guts, and I commend you for having “guts” enough to stick to your goals. Surely such a “goal-oriented” mentality shows that you are a brave individual (as well as a paruretic). As you mentioned earlier, “no one cares if you pee or not” and that is very correct. There certainly is no explicitly written social rulebook that describes a single way to use a public restroom, but despite that, I certainly do not have the guts to do what you have done. Your bravery reminds me of a guy on the show jackass, not afraid at all of the consequences that lay ahead for you. Truly admirable. In these past 62 days, I have seen that this “desensitization” has come very far indeed! Keep up the good work (by the way, “desensitization” has remained in quotations because I still don’t know a better word to describe your efforts). Perhaps, at this rate, you will be achieving you goal in no time! If, that is, your goal is to continue “desensitizing” like you have been… Actually, i dunno because it seems to me that it is difficult to see a goal in all this desensitizing. More in the next paragraph.

    To me, when will you see yourself as being done with “desensitizing”? As you said “No one cares if I pee”, but at the same time, it must take a lot of effort to push yourself to attend 3 public bathrooms a week (remember what I said about “bravery” earlier). What confuses me is, what is your goal with all this? When will you feel like you achieved that goal? If you do this at all times with an empty bladder, when will you ever experience anything? What is the point if you don’t? Well, whatever you end up doing in the next couple months or years or whatever, if you thought my tone in this was one of “praise” for your “desensitization efforts” then you were correct, because I used the term “bravery” like 3 times in this whole damn letter!

    Anyways Richard, I have nothing but praise for you overall. It has been pretty eye-opening to get to know you through your writing. I guess in the last few weeks, nothing much has changed with you and your blog about your “desensitization” but hopefully in a few weeks you will have some good news that changes things up a bit. I am really rooting for you in the end, because I feel like we shared some things in common, and I feel a little attached to this blog. It keeps bringing me back, because like I said you are really “brave” like a fighter, I dunno. Sorry for the long message, I just started and couldn’t stop because I want you to experience what I already have, and that is remission from paruresis with breath hold! In fact, if I had to recommend one thing to you, it would be to use the BH, in “some form” at least, in your “desensitization” so that, you know, perhaps you will have a goal in front of you that is, not only close enough to achieve before spring next year, but is also actually a realistic one. Remember, you will never be free of paruresis because peeing as a man carries legitimate risk in society, of failing, that is, and the danger is a very awkward moment. You have reason to be scared of peeing and that is why you will never be cured. In my opinion, the breath hold is the only natural way to 90 percent cure any case of paruresis in less than 2 months because it actually gives you the confidence that you can do the biz. Just my 2 cents.

    Remember, I am secretly rooting for you in your efforts, so I just hope my advice was worth something to you. I have learned a lot from people like parureticMax along the way, so here is my take on things I learned. Great blog, kind of like it

    • Richard says:

      Hi College Kid, Thanks for the long response.

      In a nutshell, what I’m trying to do with my desensitization techniques is to just get used to going into public bathrooms to begin with. That’s always been a huge fear of mine and the more that I go into, without the anxiety of peeing, the more at ease I feel with them. I read in one of the Shy Bladder books that that helps you desensitize and it is working. I’m not as scared as I used to be in them, and I’m beginning to see they are nothing more than just a place to pee, and that’s all.

      When I feel comfortable with this stage, I’ll make it more difficult on myself and up the ante, like forcing myself to stay until I pee, or setting a time limit of like 10 minutes just to get over the time constraints limitation.

      I’m going at my own pace, what feels comfortable to me, and still pushing myself at home, with my Pee Buddy, and with Breath Hold. I’m bound to get to the point of peeing in public one way or the other. :)

      Thanks for staying and reading. I really do appreciate it! I try to keep my trials entertaining. HA!

      Now what is your name???
      -Richard

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