Tonight was a big fat failure for me.
It was Friday Night… Theater Night!
It was such a perfect opportunity, but it resulted in absolutely nothing.
The evening started out late to begin with (which heightened my anxiety). I ran over at work and by the time I got home, changed, peed twice, I was ready to fly.
I picked up my friends and we got to the theater with no time to spare. The lights were just going down. Luckily I didn’t have to pee before hand, and luckily we were sitting in the back.
After the first act, my friends were all discussing going out for drinks and pizza after the play…
I can feel my anxiety rise even more. That means that if I need to pee, I’ll have to hold it in for 2 hours (the length of the play), PLUS another couple of hours more (2-3) for food and drinks. Suddenly it’s turning into a very long night for me…
…and my Paruresis!
If I had to pee, it could get ugly.
I try to concentrate on the play all the while I feel this slight urge to pee begin.
NO!!! I put it outta my mind.
Briefly I remember my statement in a previous post here, to face my fear and at least walk into the bathroom if for no other reason but to wash my hands.
I know that’s not good now. Going into the bathroom is fine and dandy if you don’t have to pee. Not a problem in the world. But if you have to pee and venture in there… it just makes matters worse.
I say to myself “I’ll go in the bathroom later…“
2 Acts later, it’s intermission. 15 minutes for a bathroom break for 150 guys. Great!
So What do I do?
I sit frozen in my seat of course. I don’t move. I don’t look around. All my other friends are bouncing up out of their seats to pee… Not me. I’m calming the urge to go. Ignoring it. If I ignore it, it will go away, right?
I again think about the long evening still ahead. At this rate I won’t get home until midnight. A 2 hour play is long enough, let alone doubling that cause my friends want to drink. Must be nice!
The play starts up again…
I’m lucky because my bladder isn’t bad tonight. It’s not screaming like it usually does. Just a mild persistence like someone tapping me on my shoulder. Not bad. Just a silent reminder that “You’ll need to visit the bathroom soon!“
An hour later, the play ends.
We all get in the car (walked right by the busy bathrooms and didn’t give them a second glance).
As I’m pulling out of the parking lot, my friends say “Where are you going?“
I was turning left to the restaurant…
“Aren’t we going to eat?” I say.
“No” said Kay, “We changed our mind. We were talking in the lobby (during their bathroom break) and I have to work in the morning. I don’t feel like having a hang over!”
So here it is! Relief!
No late night. No holding in my urine for 2 more hours…
I’m home free!
I drop them off and ten minutes later I’m peeing in the comfort and safety of my bathroom at home.
I’m happy the night ended early. I’m not happy about the fact that I failed my mission: To step foot in the bathroom.
Intermission is not a good time because all the guys are lined up trying to pee in just a few minutes…
Too much pressure!
I thought about standing in line briefly, but then I didn’t want to do all that just to wash my hands. Too obvious!
Listen to me… I’m making excuses. I didn’t want to go, Period!
How long is it going to take me to let my guard down long enough to even enter the bathroom there?
Where do I get this Courage from?
Will I always be a failure?
It was such a simple mission. Wash my hands! But as I found out, it’s not that easy. To me, this was Mission Impossible.
There will always be a next time…