The last time I flew to Hawaii, I had a bad experience peeing on the plane.
A VERY BAD experience!
It took me about 2 hours to finally admit to myself that I to go, and that I would have to go here, on the plane.
I had to accept the fact that I would NOT be able to hold it for the duration of the flight.
I was uncomfortable, shifting in my cramped seat, and ready to bust.
I decided to empty my bladder.
I had no choice!
I told my friend that I had to go (hate doing this), and of course I was sitting by the window. He had to put everything away (book, drink, iPad, earphones), put his seat tray up, unbuckle himself, and then sadly wake up the lady in the isle seat so I could get past. Sorry Sorry Sorry!
Needless to say, it’s a huge ordeal with everyone clearing the way and moving into the middle of the plane just so I can wedge myself through and head towards the back of the plane.
I get up and squish into the isle and all eyes are on me. I’m causing a commotion. I’m getting scanned and judged by everyone on the plane. Such a horrible feeling.
People now know that I’m going to the bathroom!
A spotlight is on me. They all look up, our eyes meet, I feel very ashamed.
I walk down the narrow isle to the back not knowing what to expect. Are the bathrooms full? Are there people waiting? Are they out of order? Who knows?
When I get there I see 2 people waiting and both bathrooms are occupied.
Great, I have to stand with them, awkwardly not knowing where to look, what to do, where to lean…
We exchange casual smiles, someone makes a comment about “never enough bathrooms“, I say nothing, just nod.
Finally after about 5 minutes, it’s my turn.
The man ahead of me comes out and looks me right into my eyes (did he wash his hands?). I hate that moment!
I hate going in knowing he did something in there that I don’t want to know about.
It could still stink
I’d rather wait a minute or two and let it air out, but other people are waiting…
I go in apprehensive, turn around, and fumble with the accordion style door.
I can’t latch it quickly. The door is banging shut, the latch missing, people are watching…
I feel claustrophobic and humiliated.
The door finally latches with a thunk. The plane sways slightly making me hang onto the wall for balance.
It’s so hard to stand up in a moving vehicle, let alone pee in one…
I unzip and aim…
I know because of the movement of the plane, it will take longer than normal. I tell my screaming bladder it’s okay. No problem. I’ll stand here as long as you need… If it’s 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15… I’ll wait. I do this knowing that IT IS a waiting game and sooner or later I will pee.
“Pee Pee Pee” my brain chants trying to force a start…
And then I hear someone talking outside the thin door…
I glance over my shoulder and I about faint.
There’s a gap in between the door and the doorway. I can see right through the gap. I can see light, shapes, people moving, shadows, they are passing by the door…
I can clearly see a lady with a bright red shirt on. She’s facing the door and waiting for me to pee… OH GOD!
She’s watching me watching her!
My heart races, I feel frozen, Paralyzed.
I don’t know what to do. How can there be such a huge gap in the bathroom door?
How am I supposed to go? How is anyone supposed to go? Hasn’t anyone else noticed this?
I turn away and close my eyes. I try to ignore her and concentrate on my screaming bladder and the toilet… Just go. I really need to go.
But that lady is watching. I can feel her eyes burning into me. She’s seeing that I can’t pee.
I’m just standing there with my junk in my hand and I’m unable to do anything… except waste time. My time, her time, everyone’s time.
“Go or Get out!!!” I can hear her thoughts…
She’s frustrated because I’m taking so long.
I hear someone bump into the door and the latch and knob rattle loudly.
It makes me jump. I try to pee. I can’t.
“GO GO GO” I scream in my head!
It’s not working. The dam is closed!
After another agonizing 5 minutes of standing there, I finally give up. I wanted to cry. I’m so mad at myself. I’m mad at my bladder. I’m mad at the world. I needed to pee so bad and yet can’t.
Stupid Fucking Bladder!
I hate everything right now. I feel defeated.
I washed my hands. Looked at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw back. A scared kid who couldn’t pee. I stood there for a minute more and told myself that if I left the bathroom, I would have to hold my pee for another 2-3 hours. Because once I give up, there is NO GOING BACK! I would NOT try again! I knew it.
I sighed. Put my head down… And opened the bathroom door. The lady in red frowns at me and tilts her head sideways. HURRY UP!
I slink back to my row. The lady and my friend all have to empty out into the isle again to let me in. I feel everyone is looking at me. Can they see my cheeks flushed? The agony in my eyes? Can they hear my beating heart?
My friend looks at me weirdly. I know he’s thinking “You were in there a long time“. I buckle in and feel like shit. How am I going to get through this day?
It really did enter my mind that I may die from this. It was that bad. Holding in my urine for almost an entire day really could kill me.
Paruresis will be the death of me!
I sit there on the verge of shaking. My bladder is ready to explode and I’m just sitting here doing nothing…
I turned to my friend and whisper “I couldn’t go“.
He frowns. His face and eyes said it all. He wishes he could help me. Wishes I could have gone. He knows I have issues about the bathroom, but he doesn’t really understand the full impact of it.
There’s nothing he can do. Nothing I can do.
I just have to deal with it. Take it one day at a time.
As you can see, my bladder didn’t kill me. It held up amazingly. I ignored it long enough to get to Hawaii, get off the plane, get my luggage, get my rental, drive to the condo location (1/2 hour from the airport) and get to the bathroom… Only 3 1/2 hours later!
I never thought I would make it. I was never so scared in my life.
I hate that long trip. I love Hawaii, I just hate getting there.
And you know what?
I’m going back!
In 6 weeks I’m boarding a plane and heading back to Hawaii. I can’t wait!
Let’s hope this flight will be easier than the last (because I have been able to pee in planes before. It’s not easy, but I have). Let’s hope I don’t get this bathroom with a gap in the door again…
Cause that really fucked with my mind.
That made it impossible to go.
And on a flight that’s 6 hours… going pee is a number one priority!
(And if you want to know how that Flight turned out Read this Post: 17 Hour Flight!)
But the REAL KICKER POST is this Next one… After Months of Desensitization and Fluid Loading… This is a MUST READ: I Cried on the Plane!)