So I thought that I’d take a moment and discuss some interesting aspects of my Paruresis Recovery.
While sometimes it seems like I’m stepping backwards, other times it feels like I’m making huge leaps and bounds.
I suppose it will always be this way, and it doesn’t discourage me in the least. I actually expect it!
So here we go…
Twice in the last day I’ve passed up an opportunity to desensitize.
Once was at the Movie Theater. After the movie, Mike went into the bathroom to pee. I on the other hand didn’t have any urge to pee, so instead I waited outside for him. I could have gone in and just stood there, but what fun is that?
And last night, we went out to eat at Outback. And at the time, I did try to give myself an urge to pee. I mean, I drank 3 glasses of water and a glass of wine, but nope!
No Desire Started!
I find that if I’m in public, starting that “Must Pee” feeling is quite difficult. My Paruresis has been well trained. It automatically wants to look the other way… Avoid the topic.
If I’m at home though, I can trick it. I can get that “Go To The Bathroom” feeling, that happily sticks with me then until I finally pee. But in public already, it’s a whole different story.
So I’m still dealing with retraining my brain and getting the desire to pee when I’m already out and about. You’d think that 2 hours and 6 drinks would do it, but No-Sire-Bob. It’s good at masking and suppressing those urges.
And as I sit in the restaurant, hoping an urge would present itself, none did. RATS!
For I know that if I don’t have an urge to pee… then actually being able to pee in public is pretty difficult… Even with Breath Hold. My anxiety is just too great and I expect failure, or at the least discomfort!
That Scares Me!
Eventually, with more practice and more attempts, I know I’ll be able to overcome these silly little behaviors, but until then, it’s still hit or miss.
Granted, it’s so much better than it ever used to be, it used to be I couldn’t go whatsoever, no matter what!
Now I can at least pee half of the time. :)
One More Interesting Tidbit…
Even though it’s still tough for me, without Fluid Loading and preparing ahead of time… I know that on some level, desensitizing is working!
Like Sunday for example, I’m standing in the bathroom peeing with the door open… I leave it open when it’s just me and Mike at home, that way I can desensitize more. He does the same thing, it’s no big deal. We’re Guys! We’re just Peeing! Who Cares?
So I’m standing there peeing Sunday and Mike happens to walk by. Usually I would freeze up and stop peeing, even for a couple of seconds… especially if it startled me, which it did.
But I Didn’t Lock up!
I just kept on peeing! That’s cool. My stream didn’t weaken in the least.
And then yesterday, it happened once again.
I’m peeing and he comes walking by with a load of laundry. I don’t stop pissing, I just keep on going.
That’s awesome to me!
These are the things that would normally stop the flow. I would do that standing at the urinals when guys would come and go and pass by me. So it seems like being around people as I pee is becoming more normal to me. I’m not so “JUMPY”!
Progress is still all over the Board!
I know that. I can still see and feel My Old Paruretic Ways, but not as much as before, and I am still having grand success as well! I’m Peeing in Public, at Urinals, with other guys around. I couldn’t ask for more!
So even though it feels sometimes that I’m back tracking, I’m still moving forward. Little by little. I suppose it all balances out in the end.
Someday I’ll have a 99% success rate. I can see it happening. And someday I won’t even have to think twice about peeing…
All good things to come!
As long as I never give in.
And never give up.
And that my friends, is something I don’t plan on doing.