Day 54 in Paruresis Recovery

This week, like the past couple of weeks, I’ve had the same goal for Public Bathroom Desensitization: Enter a Public Bathroom and stand at a Urinal for 3 full minutes. I have to do this 3 times a week in different bathrooms.

That’s all!

I’m not even asking myself to pee in those urinals, just stand there and get used to this scary scenario. Once I get used to being there (it’s all new to me), then I’ll tackle much harder things…

Peeing like the big boys!

It’s Thursday, and up until today, I haven’t entered one Public Bathroom yet this week. It snowed a lot, I only went out once. It’s been one of those weeks.

Granted, I’m also done Christmas Shopping, so the thought of driving through the snow, to crowded streets, into packed parking lots, pushing through bustling malls and dealing with frenzy people are just not that inviting to me.

But today it’s warmer. 40°. (versus 2°). It feels like a heat wave! :)

It’s the perfect day to get out and accomplish some of my goals. Plus, I had some errands to run anyway. My Pee Buddy Mike went with me.

Our first stop:

Target

As I’m walking up to the entrance doors, I notice another guy walking up the parking lot as well. He was walking with a purpose. I enter, this guy is right behind me (Mike’s ahead). Mike says he’ll wait up front for me…

I turn left, and as I do, I can tell that the guy is right on my heels and is turning left as well. Great, he’s directly behind me. I feel a rush of anxiety. Now I’m being watched…

Normally if I was entering a Public Bathroom and I saw someone else enter, I would wait until they left. But not today, I couldn’t turn back if I wanted too, he’s right there…

I turn the corner, push on the door (I even had to hold the door open for him otherwise it would have been very rude). I come around the corner and see 2 empty urinals. I don’t hesitate and just step up to the tall urinal thinking he’ll grab the short one. NOPE! He doesn’t!

He actually just kept walking past me and entered the last stall. I unzip and stand there thinking “Oh no, he’s going to stink the place up“. But then he starts pissing really loudly. That’s when I also realized that he didn’t even close the stall door. He just went in and pees like a race horse (or is it: h-o-o-orse, h-o-o-orse, h-o-o-orse?).

I try holding my breath to see if I can get Breath Hold to work. I don’t really have an urge to pee, but maybe I could force myself

The guy in the stall finishes, flushes, washes, dries and leaves. All this time I’m just standing there as quiet as a mouse.

I do briefly wonder as he’s washing if he’s staring at me in the mirror… I shrug it off…

He’s NOT doing that!

I give up on Breath Hold. It’s not working. I have a hard time holding my breath and I don’t have to go. No Way, No How!

If I were to take a HUGE DEEP BREATH I’d probably be able to hold my breath for minutes. But just exhaling normally and holding it makes the time frame very short indeed. 45 Seconds is really pushing it!

Maybe if I was loaded up with water and had a strong urge to pee I could, but now, I’m empty and batting zero.

After my 3 minutes were up, I leave.

1 Bathroom down, 2 to go…

I tell Mike that I want to hit another store before we make it to the restaurant. I say I want to finish my goals!

He’s fine with that…

So the next stop is: A local Supermarket.

I’ve been in that Supermarket a billion times in the past, and never once have I ever stepped foot in that bathroom. I’ve always been too scared to. I had no idea what to expect.

As soon as we enter the store, I turn to the left and go down the hallway marked “BATHROOMS“.

I push the men’s door open and see a pretty impressive bathroom. I was picturing a little tiny bathroom, one urinal, one toilet, very dark and cramped, but NOOOOOOO! This bathroom was huge, brightly lit, marble walls, sharp tile floors. There were 3 urinals and 3 stalls, spaced pretty far apart. It was clean, smelled good and was entirely EMPTY!

I stand at the Center Urinal and wait!

The store and parking lot were packed. It’s less than a week before Christmas and everyone is out and about. This is sure to get some foot traffic…

NOPE!

Wrong again. The entire 3 minutes that I stood there, I was the only one there. And as I stood there, I also tried Breath Hold again. I still didn’t have to Pee, but if you keep trying over and over again you probably will.

It wasn’t happening. So, at 3 minutes, I give up and end my session.

Goal #2: Accomplished!

Last stop: Outback!

Day 54 in Paruresis Recovery

Outback Steakhouse is one of my favorite restaurants. I also have gone into this bathroom before. I have been able to Pee in the corner stall maybe once or twice in the last 20 years…

This time, I head in after we eat.

There are 2 urinals (with a rather good divider) and 2 stalls.

I step up to the first urinal and wait.

I try to pee again, you never know!

Certainly after being out for a couple of hours and drinking I should have to go… even though I still didn’t feel an urge.

But NOPE!

I wait for someone to enter. Surely they will.

After all, they’ve been coming and going all night. I could see. Our table was in the bar and I was facing the bathroom hallway (this wasn’t planned, it was the only table left). I could see all the traffic. It’s been pretty non-stop all evening.

Right now, it’s a Ghost Town!

I try to Pee. I keep waiting for the door to bang open.

It never does!

I finally end my practice session and go sit down. Mike says to me “That was fast!

I look at my watch “It’s been 4 minutes“.

He laughs “It probably seemed like an eternity to you“.

I laugh back “Yes it does! It really does!

So that’s it! I accomplished all 3 of my goals in one trip. I’m quite happy about that.

On the way home, we make one last pit stop. We head into Krogers. I want some Egg Nog and Candy Canes

As we head in, Mike tells me that he wants to use the bathroom.

He looks at me and says “Wanna Come? You can hit FOUR bathrooms in one day!

I shake my head. “Nope! 3’s enough!

And it is!

I don’t want to OD on Public Bathrooms! lol

Sadly, even though I spent 9 minutes in bathrooms tonight, not one guy stood next to me.

What are the odds?

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