Opening day has come and gone. Spring is here, but the temperature doesn’t say so.
Yesterday, at the ball game, it was 40°, drizzling, and very, very windy. Poop! :(
I had on 3 layers of clothing, thermal underwear, gloves and a hat and I was still cold! My nose was sniffling the entire time. Lovely!
But what about the rest of me?
Well, it went like this…
I DIDN’T Fluid Load! The main reason was because we were going with a herd of my friends, and we were going early to bar hop and shop.
So even though I didn’t load up on fluids, by all means, that doesn’t mean I didn’t plan on drinking. In fact, I drank, and I drank a lot!
I was not going to dehydrate myself (like I normally would). NOPE! NOT TODAY!
Bring on the drinks…
As soon as we get there, I get myself an Extra Large Hot Chocolate! I needed that. It was so damned cold! So the warmth helped a bunch.
And as we’re walking around looking at all the new food stations this year, I could already tell that an urge to pee was beginning (I’m sure it’s because of the cold).
Everyone else was feeling that as well. So our whole group stopped, while every single person (but me), made a pit stop to pee.
They all go in. I wait out in the crowd, shoulder to shoulder with half a million other people (or so it seemed).
They all come out. We keep on moving.
I didn’t try to pee yet because my urge wasn’t great enough, and my male friends intimidate me!
After we walk a bit more, deciding what to eat, Mike (my Pee Buddy, and the only one here who knows I’m Pee Shy) says “I feel like I could pee again!“
I look at him because that’s such an odd thing for him to say. He never has to pee and then pee again directly again. That’s something I would do.
Well our groups splits up at different areas for food and drinks, and once again Mike says “I’m going to pee“. He goes into the bathroom while I wait outside again.
After he comes out, I tell him “I’m going to try!“
I head into the bathroom…
There were 2 guys in front of me, and as I go in, 3 guys line up behind me. I see 5 urinals as I round the corner. 5 Urinals and 3 Stalls… And that’s it!
Are you kidding me?
For an baseball stadium you’d think there’d be tons of places to pee… But only 5 urinals? I’m blown away at this.
So what happens?
Well, unlucky for me… Two of the stalls open up, and the two guys in front of me head for those. Of course. And so which urinal opens up for me? The one directly in the center. UGH! Really?
I don’t hesitate because there’s now a long line of guys behind me, directly behind me, watching, waiting, looking right at our backs…
I walk up, unzip and hold my breath.
I’m ULTRA nervous!
I try to block out all the bustling commotion and just concentrate on peeing. The guy to the left of me flushes and leaves. Another guy rushes up and is peeing loudly in seconds.
I’m still trying to calm down enough to pee. My heart is pumping insanely.
I’m trying Breath Hold, but I don’t want to fully hold my breath for I don’t want a Panic Attack like last time (at the Hockey Game). I’m just trying to calm myself, apply a little pressure, and get the deed done.
A couple more guys come and go.
I can feel the heat on the back of my head. I’m on full display and I hate it. After what seemed like 2 minutes, I decide it’s not going to happen. I flush and turn around. There are about 20 guys lined up about 5 feet behind me… All waiting…. to pee.
I wash and leave quickly.
That was intense!
I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to pee the first time anyway. I wanted to try for I didn’t know what to expect. Usually in situations like this, I’ll need 2 or 3 attempts before I have success. I knew that and was prepared for that. So really, it was no big deal for me to misfire.
I come out. Mike asks me if I went. I shake my head no. He frowns.
“I’ll try again later” I say.
We get some food and head to our seats (which were wet from all the rain… YEAH!)
We watch the game, and through the next couple of innings, my friends all come and go to get more booze and more bathroom breaks. I have a couple more drinks and all the time I keep thinking about that bathroom and peeing…
My urgency is building!
I know I should probably try again.
I ask Mike if he wants to go with me. He says he needs to go as well. So we go.
We get to the Men’s Room, but there’s a line way out the door. A line of about 20 guys waiting to urinate… WTF???
This makes me more nervous. The last time there were only a couple of guys, NOW…
My anxiety climbs higher!
There are more bathrooms up ahead, so we decide (I decide) to keep walking and find one with less people.
We walk, get to the next bathroom, and see this one also has a huge line.
My heart is really pumping now!
I actually start to feel desperate. I had to really pee now, but the thought of having to wait in that line for a long time, and then having that many people behind me watching every move only made matters worse!!!
I began to dread my current situation.
What am I going to do?
Why did I drink so much?
I tell Mike to keep walking and try another bathroom.
And as we start walking again, I begin to feel scared. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt scared about peeing in public and not being able to go. And the night still had hours to go!!! It was cold, and rainy, and that only intensified things as well. Not cool!
We get to the end of the stadium and to the last set of bathrooms…
This one also had a massive line!
I’m sure it’s because people are not in their seats. It’s too wet, cold and windy. They’re huddled in the food area and all the bathrooms are filled to the max.
So me and Mike stand there as I ponder my dire situation. I felt like I was shaking. I felt panic and fear set in. I had no idea what to do. I really didn’t. I didn’t think I could pee with all those guys behind me, especially with so few urinals…
And then, as I’m standing there not knowing what to do or where to go, I see next to the ladies room another bathroom…
A Family Bathroom!
They have Family Bathrooms here?
As I strain to look, I see only 2 people are in line, and neither of them had any kids.
“Do you think I could use the Family Bathroom?” I ask Mike.
He shrugs and applies more pressure on me “What do you want to do? I really need to pee!“
I bit my lip. “I guess I’ll try the Family Bathroom!” It really was my last hope.
We head over. Mike says “You use this one, I’m going to the Men’s Bathroom. You can meet me back there when you’re done”.
So I stand there and wait. There’s a man and then a woman in front of me. Some other guy staggers over and says “What’s this line for?“
A guy behind me, one that I didn’t see come up, says “The bathroom“.
The drunk guys says “The bathroom is down there…” and looks towards the Men’s Room.
The guy behind me replies “It’s a Family Bathroom“. The drunk looks at us, laughs, says “Oh” and wanders off.
The bathroom door opens. One guys comes out, and another guy goes in.
The little old lady in front of me is looking rather impatient. She’s looking all around like she can’t wait a second more… The line behind me is growing. 2 more guys get in line.
That’s about the time that a young woman walks up to us and notices the line.
She instantly cops an attitude “This is the line for the Family Bathroom?”
She throws her hands out at the 5 guys waiting “I don’t see any families here!“
I really wanted to say to her “Well I don’t see your family either!” but didn’t. I just ignored her. I had my own problems to deal with.
She walked away in a huff. Well excussssseeeee me!
The door opens, the little old lady heads in.
I glance around and see another guy has gotten in line. Now there’s 6 guys waiting.
I wonder if they’re all Paruretics like me???
Could be? Or it could be that the men’s line is just to freaking long…
I hear one guy behind me say “It’ll go fast as long as someone doesn’t poop!” LOL
The lady comes out. I finally head in and lock the door behind me.
It’s a very small bathroom. Basically just a sink and a toilet, but that’s perfect for me.
Plus, the heat is on in there. It felt soooooo good!
I really could have stayed there forever. Ahhhh Warmth!
I unzip and it really didn’t take me long to pee. I’m so happy that I decided to try this bathroom. I peed and it felt glorious.
I didn’t care that there was a line of guys outside waiting for me, I peed and emptied my bladder.
I felt so relieved!
I finished, washed and left.
I ran into Mike down the row and we headed back to our seats.
The temperature was dropping more. It was just getting colder and colder and colder.
Everybody was trying to stay warm…. by drinking more. LOL
Finally Kay says “After this beer we’re done!“
Everyone else agreed. It was fucking freezing!
So we drink up and leave in the 7th inning (we lost anyway Boo!).
Then we head for Pizza!
Being Friday night, every place was packed, so we had to wait at the restaurant. Needless to say, after about 1/2 hour, we get in and get seated.
Mike goes to the bathroom and comes back and whispers to me “You can use that bathroom, it’s a single user with a lock on the door“.
And so, during our meal, yes I did get up and I did use that john (with no problems).
So while the night didn’t go quite as planned, I still peed in public, and I came home with an empty bladder.
But one thing interesting happened…
And I still don’t know how to comprehend this…
As we’re driving home, just Mike and I, Mike says to me “I couldn’t pee in that first bathroom!“
I was actually shocked at this (that’s why he had to pee again so quickly afterwards).
“Why?” I say.
“I don’t know, the urinals didn’t have dividers!“
He has mentioned to me before that he has more difficulty peeing in urinals where there are no dividers, but I’ve never known him to not be able to pee.
I mean normally he pees like a race horse.
So for him to not pee, that’s pretty shocking news.
What does this all mean? I don’t know!
He did pee the second time, but that first time scares me.
Am I rubbing off on him? Is too much talking about my condition making him more conscious about peeing in general? He does say he notices things that he never noticed before. So is my condition and social phobia making him pee shy as well?
I mean, I have talked to him about Paruresis in detail for a good 6 months now… Is my own anxiety affecting his behaviors?
He says he notices things like; how many urinals there are, how many stalls, if there are dividers, if the guy next to him is making sounds… Weird stuff. Like he said the guy next to him was shaking his dingy all around (and he made some crazy hand motions). LMAO!!!
He never even thought about those things before me…
So I will say that I’m nervous for him!
I think what I’ll do is to stop talking about Paruresis with him. I don’t want to constantly put those negative thoughts in his brain.
I know, as most Paruretics know, that it only takes one instance, one intimidation, one failure or moment in time to trigger Paruresis. And then once you have it, it’s all down hill from there…
And no one wants to have bashful bladder syndrome! That’s for sure!
I don’t wish this condition on anyone!
So while I’m going to continue desensitization, I think I’ll back off on discussing so much with Mike. Give him Paruresis space.
Hopefully this one incident doesn’t cause any permanent damage.
I hope not. Because that would be the ultimate failure!
Only time will tell!