Everyday I work on my Desensitization (Day 56) and Breath Hold.
I’m determined to Recover!
But, even though I’ve made massive leaps, I find, I’m still living in Shame!
Paruresis is a shame based phobia and I see its signs everywhere I look.
When I’m peeing with my Pee Buddy (Mike), I notice it when he’s silent and patiently waiting. He’s standing there not moving, bored, and quiet, and I’m standing there quiet as well. It makes it all very awkward and shameful. I hate it when it’s that dead quiet. It makes me feel like the focus is solely on me. Every breath I take, every foot I shuffle, every sigh, every splash in the toilet…
It’s out there!
That’s why I dread Public Bathrooms so much. Most are ultra quiet and you can’t hide what you’re doing. It’s pretty obvious. One can instantly tell if you’re peeing or not.
I find I always want some background noise; Sinks, Dryers, Talking, Music, White Noise, something…
I do that now with Mike. If we’re chatting as I pee, it’s easier to pee. You don’t notice the sound of my urine in the water so much.
I also love it when the Washer and Dryer is on (just feet from the door). The same with the Furnace or Fan or whatever… It masks the sound of peeing.
So I can see that I’m still ashamed of it. Silence makes it harder to pee.
I can also tell that I’m ashamed of entering Public Bathrooms still, even though I’ve been forcing myself into them lately. I’m still timid and feel like I’m being watched and scrutinized. I feel like people will know the exact time I enter and how long it takes me to leave… much longer than the average male.
I find myself looking at the bathroom doors, seeing who comes and goes and how often. I always hope that I can go in there when there’s little to no traffic.
And while I’m in there, I’m still scared when the door opens and guys walk in.
“OH SHIT! I’M CAUGHT!”
I’m still nervous about being in a stall when someone else is in the next one.
I’m Still Ashamed!
I also find myself hesitating when it comes to peeing at home. Should I get Mike, or should I put it off for a little bit longer?
I feel bad making him stand there at the toilet with me. He’s bored and staring down at his shoes… I think to myself: Is he staring at me? Certainly his point of view can see me pee…
I know this is preposterous, I know he’s not looking, nor does he ever want to look, but I still believe that.
I think the same thing in a restroom with guys washing up at the sink. I think “Are they watching me in the mirror?” It’s so crazy to think, but it runs through my brain.
“Look! He Can’t Pee!”
It’s not going to happen. No one cares. But yet I’m still embarrassed about the whole bathroom scenario. I still find it difficult to even stand next to another man peeing at a urinal. I don’t want to hear it, but yet you can’t block the sound. Pee is Pee!
So when will I ever Shed some of this Shame?
I’m sure I’ve shed a lot already, I mean, I am peeing next to Mike at a toilet. But what’s it going to take to totally erase it?
Years of Practice?
A lifetime?
Non-Stop Desensitization?
You’d think that peeing in front of another man would do the trick. You’d think “Problem Solved, you’re Cured!“. But it’s not so easy. It doesn’t work that way…
I’m ashamed to say!
