Funny how the entire day yesterday, I had planned on using the bathroom at the steak house.
I had failed miserably in using it the year before (my last visit).
And this time, I told myself that I would enter it (walking zig-zag around all those tables) and pee (more than likely using Breath Hold). That was my plan and I was determined to stick to it.
But as the night dragged on, I sat in my seat.
I was far away from the bathroom (all the way in the furthest corner), so I couldn’t see the door.
It was out of sight, out of mind!
Literally! The whole time we ate, I thought nothing about the bathroom or going.
If I had a desire to pee, things probably would have been different. But tonight, Nope, No Urge! Nothing!
The only time it entered my mind was towards the end of the night, right before we left. Mike excused himself to pee. I watched as he walked through the restaurant towards the bathroom. And I thought “I need to accomplish my goal“.
I sat there thinking about it. I could feel it weighing heavily on my chest.
I told myself that I would go when he got back. But when he got back, everyone got up and started putting on their coats. I hesitated watching. Should I blurt out “WAIT, I NEED TO PEE” and draw attention to myself???
I then thought about my last attempt there and the horrible failure (it was a scary 45 minute drive home). I was pretty much frozen thinking about it. My anxiety was kicking me and telling me that “You’ll fail AGAIN in that bathroom!“
I felt the failure and pain and I was telling myself “You don’t want to repeat that, do you Richard?“
I struggled with it inside. It kept bringing up frightening memories to remind myself that I should avoid that bathroom at all cost.
“Especially since you don’t even need to pee!” I told myself.
So what did I do?
I put my coat on. I avoided that “uncomfortable situation“.
My Paruresis Won!
And as we got in the car to leave, I felt disappointed with myself. It made me very sad. I had let myself down. I felt defeated.
It’s true what they say, if you don’t try, you automatically fail.
Shy Bladder = 1 / Richard = 0
So my goal still stands strong for the week. 3 Bathrooms, 3 Urinals, one of them being “Fluid Loading” where I MUST PEE!
I need to focus. Buckle down. Get myself in check.
I may have lost this one bathroom challenge, but I refuse to let it derail me.
I will prevail.
One way or another!