Q: “Why can’t you hear a Pterodactyl go to the Bathroom?“
A: “Because the P is Silent!“
That’s a funny joke that I heard the other day, and it really made me think. It hit home! It holds so much truth for Paruretics…
For before I started Recovery, I would Pee in the Public Bathrooms Quietly (or attempt to).
In fact, I would lock myself in a stall and try to become invisible. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was in the Bathroom, trying to Piss.
Usually I would stand there, frozen in terror until the Bathroom was totally empty. And then it would still take me a couple of minutes of standing there, scared and alone, before my anxiety would calm down enough for me to start a weak timid stream.
And at that time, I would also be hyper-sensitive, listening to every single sound, creak, footstep, noise in the hall… Just waiting, knowing that any second the door would bang open, startle me, and lock my bladder up again…
It was HORRIBLE!
And whether there was a guy or two in the bathroom, or even if I was by myself, I always did the same thing…
I Peed on the side of the toilet!
I Peed on the side so it wouldn’t make any noise. My Pee was SILENT! Like it never happened at all.
Anybody in the Bathroom would have no idea I was there (and probably be startled when I flushed), hiding, ashamed, and embarrassed by the sound of my own Urination.
I hated it!
I couldn’t understand how it didn’t bother other guys. They would Piss LOUDLY in the Urinals or toilet. They didn’t care who saw them, or heard them. They would talk, laugh, groan, or even FART…
Things that would mortify me.
For I was Chicken, and no one could know that I was trying to Pee.
Even when I was home, and there were people in the next room or hall way. I would Pee on the side of the toilet so it wouldn’t make a sound.
It frightened me.
For a Paruretic, the P really is silent!
You see, 2 1/2 years ago (way before my REAL Recovery began with a Pee Buddy), I did one thing that started my whole Desensitization…
I started to make NOISE!
For I knew that the whole act of Peeing was the PHOBIA. And until I proved to myself that Peeing is Normal and Natural and the Sound of someone Pissing is NOT Embarrassing, THAT is where it all began! THAT is what opened my mind. THAT gave me BACKBONE!
For I started Peeing in the center of the toilet. Splashing LOUDLY in the water for all to hear.
It was difficult at first. I cringed just hearing it. And it even took me quite a while to re-train my Bad Peeing Habits. After all, I had 45 years of Peeing in Silence… So Forcing myself to Pee differently, Loudly, where people KNEW I was Peeing, was NOT an easy task. I had to constantly REDIRECT my stream back into the center!!! Because I would start to Pee quietly like normal, and then catch myself, and AIM into the water instead! (fighting my screaming mind the entire time)
But It worked!
That was my first REAL step towards Recovery (which is still a work in progress).
That was a HUGE undertaking that I still continue to this day (and LOVE it).
No matter where I am. No matter who’s listening, or watching… I MAKE myself Pee Loud and Proud.
I Pee in Urinals so it’s Noisy. I Pee in the toilet at home so all can hear. I even Peed in a busy bathroom stall, with the door wide open, loudly in the center of the bowl…
NO MORE HIDING!!!
It really is exhilarating!
Just to hear myself Pee is Awesome. Just to hear the sound echo around the bathroom. To know that everyone else KNOWS that I’m Peeing, just like them, and that THEY DON’T CARE!!!
It’s a huge relief.
To them, I’m normal.
I’m a Man, and I’m just doing what needs to be done.
So DON’T Pee in Silence!
Silence is a KILLER!
For you will NEVER Recover…
Until you are HEARD!