It’s been a while since I’ve written, but it’s never left my mind.
Paruresis is always there!
I’ve had a lot of things happen in the last year, but curing Paruresis is not one of them.
I still have a difficult time peeing in public. Usually I don’t even try.
I’ll pee before I leave the house (usually twice or three times) knowing that it will be hours before I can finally pee again (in the safety of my own home).
It makes me anxious just thinking about it, but I don’t let it stop me from having fun.
I go to concerts, parties, plays, and even amusement parks, where I know I’ll have no choice but to face my fear and pee in a public bathroom.
As much as I tried the breath hold technique last year, I eventually gave up. I could never get it to work right and always felt like I was going to pass out and crack my skull on the toilet tank.
I also never ventured into the pee buddy thing either (still on my to-do-list).
It’s like I just rolled over and accepted the fact that I can’t change myself and I’m doomed to have Paruresis forever.
Like it or not!
I often wondered if it’s because I thought about the topic too much. When I started this blog I went full steam into my emotions and this crippling disorder. I read everything I could find. I joined the forums and groups and bought books and made friends…
I became more aware of Paruresis, what it is, what it does, and how many people it possibly affects.
And maybe, thinking so much about it, talking about it, writing about it, watching videos… Maybe it made me more aware and more anxious which just made my Shy Bladder even more extreme.
Maybe it back fired on me?
All I can say is that I did get discouraged when Breath Hold wouldn’t work for me.
I had FAILED!
And all along the way I kept saying to myself “You need to write again”.
Just to get it out of your system.
There have been numerous times in the past year where Paruresis and my Bathroom Experiences would have made a great post (I will still eventually write them).
And while I may not be cured, nor ever could be… It does feel good to write about it again.
After all it touches me personally. And it touches my heart.
So I’m picking up my pen and starting back on this voyage with my sights on Paruresis.
It will help me in the long run. And if it helps someone else in the process, then it makes it all worth while.
I held my breath tonight in the bathroom for the first time in a year.
I held it as long as I could.
I almost peed!
I ended up gasping for air… and then I peed. lol
But it’s something…