You take some you lose some!
Paruresis is a BITCH!
Once you think you’ve got it licked, it rears it’s ugly head again.
I guess that it shouldn’t surprise me any. After all, I have had Shy Bladder Syndrome for OVER 40 years now.
That’s a LONG time!
But I still work on it daily, and I refuse to give in, nor give up!
Last night, I go out to eat with a bunch of my friends. It’s a favorite dive and my goal was to not only step foot in that bathroom (something I rarely do), but also to Pee in the Urinal! (Something I have NEVER done there!)
So I make sure that I keep drinking coffee before we head out the door. I certainly didn’t want to dehydrate myself like usual.
Plus, I only Peed once before I left, versus 2 or 3 times. I tell you, I’m pushing my limits to the max!
At the restaurant, I make sure that I drink a LOT!
A LOT, A LOT!
I had 2 Glasses of Wine (Moscato – I love it!) and 4 Glasses of Water!
I was drinking like a fish. Way more than my normal 1/4 glass minimum.
I was trying to force a high urgency to Pee, for I really was looking for success in that bathroom.
The weird thing is, I didn’t have a high urge (although if I was home, I’m sure I could have gone). Paruresis does a pretty good job at masking my urgency and acting like it’s nothing to be concerned about.. Just ignore it, I got you covered… (It’s been trained my whole life).
So after Dessert, I decide it’s time to try!
I Excuse Myself and Head to the Bathroom!
I go in. I’m the only one in there.
There are 3 urinals past the sinks on the right…
3 Stalls are directly across from them. I walk up to the very last urinal, unzip, hold my breath and wait.
I can tell that I’m anxious because for some reason, I have a very hard time holding my breath. In fact, I’m doing a horrible job at it. My heart was racing like crazy… I’ve always had a fear of this bathroom, lord knows why. It’s usually pretty busy and although it’s a medium-sized john, it still feels Small, Cramped and Claustrophobic. Plus, I feel like any second the door will bang open and someone will enter…
I Try to Relax!
I try to put it all out of my mind, but my Breath Holding is broken and patchy. I keep having to take short sips of air in order to hang on. I keep trying to Pee, I know I could, but it’s not happening. I wouldn’t have thought being alone in a bathroom would be difficult. But there’s something about this particular bathroom that really pushes my buttons…
Maybe I drank too much? Maybe I waited too long? Maybe I’m too full?
I finally get to the point where a tiny, squirt of piss comes out… And then I have to gasp!
NOT COOL!
BREATH HOLD FAIL!
I chalk it up to not a high enough urgency. Who knows? Trying to force yourself to Pee is NOT easy!
If an urgency is there, I can usually go. But without one, it’s like beating my head against the wall.
I tried once more. It didn’t work. I gave in and left the bathroom.
Not too long after that we left the Restaurant.
We go over a Friend’s House!
They have a small bathroom next to their Kitchen (just like we do). I’ve always had a hard time Peeing in that bathroom. Especially if everyone is in the Kitchen, which is a normal gathering spot.
So I tell myself that I would try to Pee there, using Breath Hold of course… Because after that 1/2 hour drive, I could finally feel an urge to Pee (I’m sure this was brought on by the Cold Weather).
So I go into the small bathroom, with barely enough room to stand…
I can hear everyone chatting and laughing just a few feet away…
I Unzip, Hold my Breath and Wait!
And that did it!
Within 30 seconds of using Breath Hold, I began to Pee!
And interestingly enough, I noticed pretty quickly that I was instinctively Peeing on the side of the toilet bowl (being quiet), which is something that I haven’t done in years!
Odd!
As soon as I noticed that, I corrected myself and aimed my stream into the water bowl making loud splashing noises.
NO MORE HIDING!
So I Peed, emptied my bladder, and felt much better about the night.
And then once home, I Peed again, and again, and again. It finally caught up with me! :)
So while Breath Hold was difficult at the restaurant, I was still able to Pee before I got home.
Things I Accomplished Tonight:
- I Loaded up on Fluids
- I Stepped into a Scary Bathroom
- I Peed a Squirt in the Urinal
- I Peed at a Friend’s House with People close by
- I made Loud Peeing Noises
- I Emptied my Bladder
So it wasn’t a Total Wash…
But it does go to show that Paruresis will always be a Rollercoaster Ride (as can be expected).
I will have great times, and poor times. But all in all, I am still pushing forward, and still Desensitizing, and still practicing Breath Hold every day!
I feel a little disappointed about tonight, but I still faced my fears, and that’s the important thing.
It may take me a lifetime to Overcome Paruresis, but it’s still better than being handcuffed to home.
Wouldn’t you Agree?
