Tonight we’re off to an Italian Restaurant, but not before Fluid Loading!
I started drinking 1/2 hour before we left. I drank a 16 oz. bottle of water, and then, right before we walk out the door, I guzzled ANOTHER 16 oz. bottle of water.
I didn’t have a big urge to pee yet, but yes, I could have peed. So I knew it was just a matter of time before all that water was going to hit me. :)
We get to the restaurant 1/2 hour later and they sit us down. I order a glass of Wine and MORE water!
The funny thing is, they sat us close to the bathrooms. I could watch people coming and going all night, and what’s interesting is the fact that even though it was 6 pm, they still weren’t very busy. But then again, it was Thursday, and the Weather wasn’t nice… (Which is why the trip to the Mall up North and Steak House were Cancelled!)
And even though traffic to the johns was light, I was still apprehensive about using them. I always am in restaurants for some reason (maybe it’s because the people that pee in those bathrooms are in the same room as you, and may be facing you, or watching you. They know what you did in there, whether you Peed or NOT!).
I’ve been in that bathroom before. I remember hiding in the stall trying to Urinate… But I have no idea how many urinals there are, so I was nervous at what I’d find.
I asked Mike how many urinals this restaurant had earlier, and he said “I don’t know, I don’t even pay attention“.
That was No Help! lol
Not that I could say much, I don’t (or didn’t) pay attention to them either. Back before recovery started I never even looked their way. I never thought in my life that I’d be peeing in them.
By the time appetizers were done, I could tell that it was time for me to pee. It was on my mind and I was thinking more and more about the bathrooms, so…
I made my move!
I excused myself and headed for the Men’s Room.
As I pushed on the door, I could see that there’s an old guy, a really old guy (who can barely walk) drying his hands at the sink. He looks up at me as I walk by him. I see on the left that there are 2 Urinals. One short and one tall. The thing that’s cool about this set up is that the urinals are recessed into the wall. So when you’re standing at one you’re partially hidden by the dividing wall that sticks out. It gave you a lot of privacy. Very cool! (All Urinals should be like this)
As I step up to the tall urinal I happen to glance at the stall. The door was wide open and I vaguely remember sheltering myself in there and taking ten minutes to pee because I was so scared of someone else entering…
I push that though aside. That was something that I used to be!
I step up, Unzip and Wait!
I hold my breath a little, but the old guy finally exited the bathroom and it was just me. So I relaxed, exhaled, and concentrated on Peeing.
It didn’t take long!
15 seconds later a stream started. And the entire time that I peed not a single guy came in. Just Me, and the Urinal, and my Bladder being Emptied! What a relief!
I stand there and think about how often I find myself alone in public bathrooms. Much more than I would have ever thought. Probably about 80% of the time! Generally the only times when the bathrooms are busy are places like Airports, Casinos, Theaters and Arenas. Other than that, it’s pretty quiet stuff. One guy here, one guy there. No biggie!
I’m sure it’s because I’m not in the bathroom a long time anymore. I used to take 5-10 minutes trying to go… but now I’m in there in just under 2 minutes most of the time. I’m quick! I can Pee in Peace!
It actually floors me!
When I would lock myself in the stalls, I always had the impression that the bathrooms were so busy. I never felt alone. Just the sound of footsteps, or a noise outside would startle me enough to lock my bladder up. But I see now that most of it was all in my mind. It was Paruresis creating nightmares and making me scared. Every creak, every voice, every thump would spook me.
Not to mention the time frame!
It took forever for me to pee then. So of course many guys would come and go…
Not anymore! I get in, I get out. There really isn’t too much I need to worry about.
And as I experience that, I find it very refreshing. It soothes my mind and chips away at those frightened little behaviors and feelings. It breaks down my wall, and everyday, like today, that I achieve great success, it brings me one step closer to my goal: Freedom!
For I really do feel like a brand new person. I like the guy that I’ve become. I Like being able to Pee in Public. I Love Peeing in Urinals!
I still can’t wrap my head around that concept. I’m doing it! I’m there!
I’m Beating Paruresis!
I couldn’t ask for more!
Except for another round of drinks! :)