Before I begin this post, let me lighten up the mood with a joke:
If you’re American when you enter a bathroom, and American when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you’re inside the bathroom?
Everyday really is a constant battle. My Paruresis wants to fight me tooth and nail.
Yesterday, we go to a local Sports Bar to eat. It was Friday Night and they were packed! They had a line out the door (into the single degree Weather). The entryway must have held a solid 25 people.
It was insane!
I had high intentions on Fluid Loading before we left the house, but for some reason, I chickened out and only drank 1/2 the bottle of water. And then, I made sure I peed before we left. Why? I really couldn’t tell you, it was my guts talking (The Paruresis Demon sitting on my shoulder).
And, I didn’t pee at the Restaurant either. In fact, I didn’t even TRY!
Something about this crowd of Macho Sports Enthusiasts did it. The hallway leading down towards the bathrooms was right off the entryway… Where every Tom, Dick and Harry stood, waiting for a table, watching, blocking the path…
And I couldn’t do it!
Not that I needed to Pee, I didn’t. But I still kick myself for not even making an attempt. I have no idea what this bathroom even looks like either. I’ve never been in there. I’m picturing something horrifying like 1 Urinal and 1 Stall, but for all I know, it could have 20… Who knows? I’m too scaredy-cat to find out.
And then we have Tonight…
Tonight was no different either. I really did plan on Fluid Loading before we left the house to go to my Favorite Restaurant (the Restaurant that I tried Breath Hold in 2 weeks ago, and failed – Read Here!)
Well, that failure stuck in my brain. It kept saying to myself “Breath Hold didn’t work. And if you don’t have a high enough urge to Pee, it won’t work again. It’ll be a waste of time, a total failure, and it’ll just frustrate you even more…
“So why even Try?”
It’s interesting how the mind works. How quickly it justifies things and makes you brain say “You’re right! There’s no need to walk into that bathroom. It’ll only bring disappointment! I’m quite happy just sitting here, relaxing at the table…”
And I listened!
I Didn’t Go!
But, boy there was a battle going on in my head. For 1/2 hour I struggled with it. Everyone else went to the commode and Peed (sometimes twice). But Not Me! I just sat there and acted like I didn’t need to go. I know I could have (If I were home). Granted I still didn’t have a massive urge, but Paruresis does a good job at squashing those feelings. It suppresses them away. Hides them!
I sat there trying to coax myself to head towards the bathrooms. The bathrooms that were on the far end of the very long restaurant. But instead, I looked out the window at the beautiful snow falling… And I thought about the hour long drive home… And I wondered if I would have problems holding it that long, for we know, the cold makes me want to go…
But Nope! I Caved! I sat there and didn’t budge!
Soon we all left and an hour later I peed in my safe toilet at home. That’s 2 days in a row where my Paruresis has handcuffed me and WON!
And even though I’m mad at myself for not even trying, I’m also not going to harp on it and let it get to me. I’m know I’m on a roller coaster ride. I’ve been on one my whole life. It’s going to be bumpy. I get it!
What I need to do is to refocus, and keep practicing Breath Hold!
I need to keep putting myself out there. Putting myself in these uncomfortable situations, where I can face my fears, and over come them.
Paruresis Won Tonight!
It may have won for the moment… But the war is far from over.
I don’t give up that easy, and I refuse to roll over and die.
The gloves are off. The ball’s in my court.