So I had a candid talk with my best friend Mike (Non-Paruretic) yesterday about being my Pee Buddy.
Remember his quote a while back “You want me to Watch you Pee?“
Anyway I told him all the things I eventually want to accomplish, like peeing at a urinal next to another man.
“Trust me” he says “It’s nothing great!”
I explain to him that the whole concept of peeing around other people scares me. Even being around other guys who are peeing is embarrassing to me.
“That’s why when you’re peeing in the bathroom with the door open, I shut it!“
“I don’t want to see it or hear it.” I say “This stems from a childhood humiliation or trauma, something shameful! So I avoid it at all costs.”
I told him about starting the Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET) and what he’ll have to do. “Stand there and be very patient with me. It won’t be easy and you could be standing there for 5, 10, 20 minutes at a time. You’ll be really bored and that will probably heighten my anxiety even more. Then we’ll have to keep doing this and trying all day long, day in and day out…”
He Shrugs his shoulders
“Once I’m comfortable around it at home, I’ll be able to take it out to the public bathrooms, where even stepping foot in them is something else I’ll have to overcome.”
“Don’t worry about me” Mike says “If you have to spend 5 minutes in a bathroom or more, take your time. Don’t think I’m rushing you or waiting. Just take as much time as you need.”
I have no choice!
My heart will race out of control, and I’ll probably panic. lol
“First things first, I’ll start Monday and drink lots of water to up the urgency!”
“Why Monday?” He says.
“I don’t know, start of the week!”
“No,” he says “What I mean is why start this ten days before you go on vacation?“
(We’re going to Hawaii in ten days with a bunch of our good friends)
“I just want to begin,” I say “I’ve put this off for too long. I’m tired of delaying it and saying ‘someday‘. I just need to do it!”
“Okay” he nods.
“I’m anxious just thinking about it” I say.
“Everyone does it” he replies.
“I know, but I don’t even know how I’ll be able to stand next to you while you’re going. That scares the crap out of me!”
“You can watch me pee!” he laughs.
“NOOOOO! God No! NO NO NO! I highly doubt that. It’s uncomfortable to begin with. Too awkward. Too personal. And I don’t want to see that!”
He laughs more.
“I’ll have a hard enough time just being behind you, let alone watching. Hearing you will be enough!“
Mike just shrugs. Whatever!
What am I getting myself into?
Can I even do this?
Who knows, but I’m going to try!
Starting Exposure Therapy is something I’ve thought about doing for years. I know I need to. So does Mike. I’ll let you know how it goes.
That’s if I make it through. lol
NO Wimping out!
If I can get used to peeing around Mike and feeling more at ease with the whole bathroom situation, then maybe there is hope. Maybe I can attempt this out in the field. In an easy bathroom of course. One day. Some Day.
I’m both nervous and excited just thinking about it. I’m looking forward to standing at a urinal for the first time in my life.
What a terrifying thought that is!
Some day. Some day.
Baby steps first. Peeing in my own safe bathroom with Mike on the other side of the door is priority #1. That’s the first goal for tomorrow.
As soon as I awake it begins.
I always have to pee first thing in the morning, so doing so half awake is the best route to take.
Maybe my guard will be down? Maybe I’ll be able to deal with it quickly and promptly?
From there, it’s a brand new day!