Do you Really Need a Pee Buddy?

Following my last post about how a Pee Buddy can make you stronger and can help you overcome Paruresis, let’s turn the tables…

Do you really need a Pee Buddy?

Is it really necessary?

Can you do it alone?

Let’s find out…

A recent reader of mine, and a fellow Paruretic (Chris), left some comments in my post here (and I’m bringing this up because great comments like this are too important to be buried in a comments section).

Do you Really Need a Pee Buddy?

Chris is basically taking all the steps needed to recover by himself… Without the use of a Pee Buddy. He’s Fluid Loading and forcing himself to go into the men’s public bathroom, and urinating just like I have all year.

Chris Writes:

“…I live alone thankfully. I have no friends outside of work because the inability to use a restroom which I know I will have to use. I’m actually in my car sitting in a Target parking lot (as I write this now). I just came from a practice pee session. I’m doing exactly what you are doing, I’m going to the mall, Target, Walmart, Dicks, Bed Bath and Beyond. I go anywhere I can to use a public restroom and pee where there are other people potentially present. I liquid load before I go out, and bring a water bottle to refill, and just go to every bath room physically possible and try to pee! I’ve been kind of successful, and kind of not…”

I can’t tell you how impressed I am with Chris!

It takes a lot of guts to do this by yourself. I admire that drive and determination. And as much as I recommend finding a Pee Buddy, for some it’s not even a possibility.

Chris writes:

“…A Pee Buddy is out of the question for me because I have no best friend. It’s really taken hold of my life like a bad drug. But I’m just glad that I’m facing my fear and I’m glad that I can read your success and want to beat this phobia!! I want my life back!!!…”

This was my Response:

“Hi, thank you Chris. Thank you for Fluid Loading and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone and into the public bathrooms that you fear. That really is the only way to win this phobia. Try, keep trying, practicing, and desensitize. It gets easier as the months go by, but every now and then you will have bad moments. It’s bound to happen. Just don’t weigh too heavy on them and stay focused.

I’ve had Paruresis for over 47 years, and I’m just now getting a handle on things. Good luck with your progress. Practice Breath Hold if you can, for you can do this! And it does help. I used my Pee Buddy in the beginning to get used to peeing around other people, but I didn’t have any break-throughs until I started Fluid Loading at the first of this year! That’s when it all began to happen (like magic) and it forced me to pee in public at urinals, which I had never done in my life. So keep your head up and thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it! :) If you ever have more to add, or just want to share something, do so, I’m sure it will help other people out as well. Cheers! -Richard”

And then, even more great feedback came in from Dave, who is actually an IPA support group leader in Wisconsin.

Dave writes:

“Chris, It may not feel like it yet, but you have already started to get your life back starting the process of recovery. It is a process, which means that there will be ups and downs, times when it is easy and other times when it is incredibly difficult, but you are not alone in this, and it is fantastic that you have reached out to Richard.

I have been in recovery for about four years, and just as you are doing, since I didn’t have a pee buddy, I found public restrooms that I could use and I practiced regularly. I used fluid-loading and I also tried to time visits to restrooms with times when I had a high urgency rate. My pee-buddies were a lot of anonymous guys who never knew I was practicing with them. You mentioned that you have been kind of successful, great – focus on that. Recovery involves baby steps, each success is something to build on and each misfire is something to learn from. At your early point in recovery you are achieving significant success just walking into a public restroom and facing your worst fears, regardless of whether you are able to pee or not. Richard mentioned breath-holding as a back-up plan, and it is good to have one because it will give you the confidence to try more challenging situations. I started by getting trained on how to use a self-catheter (it sounds worse than it actually is), and later I learned how to do breath-holding, which takes awhile to master but can be really helpful.

Recovery can be frustrating, and at times you may want to give up. I can tell you from personal experience that it is worth the effort, and that it is possible to get your life back. I always wanted to know what it felt like to just walk into a restroom and pee like a regular guy – now I know, and it feels great! Hang in there buddy, you aren’t alone!

Dave”

Wow! Let me tell you, his response blew me away. One sentence stands out, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This sentence here is worth rereading:

My Pee-Buddies were a lot of anonymous guys who never knew I was practicing with them!

What an incredible eye-opener!

Well said Dave, I applaud you. It certainly makes you think. Just a little shift like this in the way that one perceives things can have dramatic outcomes and results.

I really do love it!

It goes to show you how your mind is adaptive and you can train it to change your thoughts, your behaviors, and your entire future

It proves that if you change the way that you look at things, alter your negative attitude, and focus on the positive outcomes, you too can overcome anything. Instead of saying “I can’t pee in public“, say “I will successfully pee in public, next to other guys, at a urinal, and I’ll leave the bathroom happy and empty!” It’s all in what you tell yourself. It’s the positive reinforcement that you feed your mind.

And it works to… For Chris replied:

“I never looked at it that way. Yeah, everyone is my Pee Buddy and they don’t know it. I remember when I started this recovery process I told myself that I cannot pee in public bathrooms. Saying that meant I couldn’t use a public bathroom no matter what! So I started to retrain my thoughts. And telling myself ‘you can pee in a public bathroom’ after a few successes. It’s just the situation that I encounter in the bathroom is what makes it hard. So after retraining my thoughts it’s been easier to face the fear! I’m out at the mall and just had a very good success. I was entering the mall. Went to the bathroom. A guy entered right before me. I walk up to a urinal and held my breath a little and peed with someone 3 urinals down from me. Those successful moments make you start to hold your head up high and have confidences that it is possible!! And look at other guys and say yourself I can pee like he does!”

I responded:

“Awesome Chris! I’m happy to hear that. You are so right, most of the challenge and difficulty is right in our own brains (which triggered another post soon to come). Changing the things we do (forcing yourself to face your fears), and changing our perspective and attitudes (I CAN do this!) can change the entire experience from bad to good. Congrats! Keep up the positive outlook and just keep practicing! :) -Richard”

And I really did think about this a lot. I thought about my own situation, and Mike, my Pee Buddy. I wondered “could I have did this without him?

The answer is YES!

You see, Mike has helped me greatly at home getting me used to peeing around him. But, when I’m out in public, I don’t pee around Mike.

Generally, I go in the bathroom by myself. So my Pee Buddy doesn’t do much for me outside of the home. He’s there for support and talking to, but I’m still Fluid Loading and forcing myself to walk into the bathrooms alone. Just like Chris is doing by himself.

So do I really need a Pee Buddy?

NO!

I don’t think it would change my successes or misfires any. But it does give me an ear to rely on. And that’s a nice thing to have.

So, all in all, I would say yes, you can overcome Paruresis by yourself. You can certainly drink tons of water and make yourself pee in public. So don’t let a Pee Buddy deter you from the recovery process.

It may be a little bit harder alone, but nothing about Paruresis is easy.

And you can definitely reach out to people. Sign up with the IPA Forums, there’s tons of people you could chat with for help. And of course, you can always reach out and chat with me. I’m going through recovery myself, so I know exactly what it feels like. Email me, leave comments, reply, get in touch. I’m here for you. I can be your Pee Buddy! I will support you, and you can support me, and together we will overcome this phobia one day at a time.

And just 2 days ago, Chris left another inspiring comment.

Chris Wrote:

“Yeah I wish I could have a Pee Buddy maybe one day, it’s just so hard to get one because everyone is so busy and probably wouldn’t have time to be around when I pee. But I still like that we secretly use strangers as our Pee Buddies!!

I Just had to give a really good update… Something I have never ever done in my entire life!!! I fluid loaded. Went to the mall. Had a pretty decent size urge. Was walking behind some guy who entered the restroom before me. I then entered the bathroom. There are three urinals, there was another guy using one. So I said you know what, I want to give myself a challenge… I stood between both men. Took a deep breath. Held it a little. I heard the other guy start his stream. Probably 2 seconds after he did, I did.

I couldn’t believe it. In all of my 27 years on this earth I never peed between two grown men at urinals. They had dividers which was an advantage but… I don’t believe it!! It’s like a cloud is lifting from my restrained life I’ve lived. I’m starting to learn that consistency is the key. Everyday after work, fluid load, and hit the restrooms. Keep pushing towards our goals and we will make it!”

THAT’S AWESOME NEWS!

Words cannot express how happy I am for Chris! It’s a powerful emotion that touches the heart of this blogging Paruretic!

WELL DONE BUDDY!!!

So once again, thanks much to Chris and Dave, for opening up and sharing your thoughts and experiences. I really appreciate it.

Peace! :)

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A Pee Buddy Makes You Strong!

I was watching NATGEO the other night, more specifically “The Numbers Game“.
The show was about “toughness“.

It talked about the different ways to make yourself physically and mentally tougher. And one of the ways to strengthen yourself was to strengthen with other people, or strength in numbers.

A Pee Buddy Makes You Strong!

You see, if you find someone who has the same exact problems as you, you can then work together more effectively to find a grand solution.

Becoming stronger together is better than going it alone. You can strengthen each other and you will be able to overcome your difficulties faster and easier.

And I thought about this, and it’s so true.

In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing to recover from Paruresis.

I found a Pee Buddy who could help me. This act is what made it possible for me to now pee in public, in busy bathrooms, with other guys all around (most of the time).

It’s a Buddy!

Someone that I can talk to, open up to, discuss matters instead of keeping it hidden and secret.

It’s a great support system!

Much like the IPA Forums and support groups, but on a much smaller scale. They already know that meeting and talking with others going through the same thing is beneficial to all. You feel like you’re not alone and it gives you the courage and backbone to face your phobia head-on. You feel like you can tackle this condition one day at a time because you’re doing it with a Buddy.

Someone that you can share your emotions and experience with.

It really does work!

Before I decided to try working with a Pee Buddy I actually failed for almost 2 years (Read the post that made me start up again). I tried by myself, and it didn’t work. I tried to “cure” myself and I got nowhere fast. I gave up. I feel like it made matters even worse! It was depressing!

But the day I finally accepted the fact that I had no choice but to get a Pee Buddy and I took that scary but initial first step is the day that changed my life forever (read: My Pee Buddy begins!).

I began living that day!

The chip was off my shoulder! I wasn’t locking my problem away in a closet, I was bringing it to the open, as frightening as it was. I started with my Pee Buddy (day 1), and to this day eight months later, I still pee at least once a day with my Pee Buddy next to me. I can tell that I’m used to. It was a gradual, slow process, but it’s undoing years of bad behavior. It’s working.

Yesterday, I was peeing in the bathroom mid-afternoon, and I had the door wide-open. Now many people would wonder why I would do such a thing, but it’s just the two of us guys who live here, so peeing with the door open is no biggie (granted, it used to be for me). But peeing freely is a manly thing to do, just like peeing on the side of the road with your buddy, or peeing in a urinal or trough in a public bathroom. It’s no different. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

For the most part, guys don’t care, it’s no big deal… for those without Paruresis.

For me, it’s continuous desensitization.

And so, here I was peeing and Mike, my Pee Buddy, comes down the hall and sticks his head in the bathroom. I didn’t even hear him coming. He pops his head in and asked me a question. He’s facing directly at me, and I didn’t break stream! I didn’t falter in the least, but I did turn to look at him, I replied, and I kept on peeing.

That’s what having a Pee Buddy has done to me. That’s how far I’ve come. It’s quite insane to even think about. But it”s support, teamwork, and it brings success!

So if you have Paruresis, or Shy Bladder, or Pee Shyness, or whatever you call it, open up and find yourself a Buddy.

Whether it be a best friend (like mine, even though he doesn’t have Paruresis), someone in the forums, a support group, or a meeting… find someone that you can confide in and use them for strength!

You have to!

I don’t know anyone who’s fully recovered that didn’t get help somewhere, somehow.

Get a Buddy!

Begin desensitizing. Little by little you will recover.

Grab a book if you must. There are tons of great books on the subject (read my Shy Bladder books post here). They can prepare you, help you stay focused, and it will give you the boost to begin!

But it all starts with you!

That’s the first step. It’s crucial!

You have to be ready to face your demons. Just don’t do it alone.

Find a Buddy. Become stronger. And let that strength carry you forward.

It will work.

It did for me. :)

Posted in Paruresis Help | 4 Comments

How Alcohol Affects Paruresis

I often wonder, if I drank, how different my life would be.

I never drink as a young adult, I didn’t drink at all in my 20′s. I may have had one small sip of champagne at New Year’s, but that’s about it.

I always contributed it to the fact that my dad was an alcoholic and used to beat me. I swore I never wanted to be like him. Hence I stayed away from alcohol as much as possible.

But that of course is not entirely the truth!

That’s what I used to tell people.

Paruresis also had a lot to do with it.

For the more I drank in public the more I would need to pee…

And that frightened me!

So when I would go out to the bars or events I wouldn’t drink. I literally drank nothing. I would dehydrate myself all night.

But I often wonder if that was the right thing to do?

As one reader of this blog and a fellow Paruretic pointed out (college kid), that alcohol actually helped him overcome his pee shyness. He said it lowered his inhibitions and allowed him more success at peeing in urinals around other guys. He went on to say:

Drinking helps you pee, and is good even after you mess up, because it helps you come across stronger… After like 5 beers, any man can pee anywhere is what I am saying.

So yes, I do think about it a lot!

Would my life have been different if I drink like my friends?

How Alcohol Affects Paruresis?

They would down beer after beer and everything else, and have such a great time whooping and hollering. But not me. I would just stand there and watch them get drunk, and it always made me feel out of place, like I didn’t belong. If I drank back then, would it have allowed me to pee in public? Loosen me up enough where it didn’t bother me? Who knows?

But I do remember some of those bathrooms…

I remember being scared to death of them.

There were always young people everywhere, talking, laughing, drinking… Macho Guys, Beautiful Girls… and here I am like a deer in headlights, walking in with my tail between my legs.

I hated those days!

For it took a lot for me to venture into those bathrooms as it was. I had to be so desperate to pee that I had no choice. I had to walk in and at least make an attempt, it was that bad. But it got worse… Most of the men’s bathrooms were nothing but a wall of urinals. And when I would walk into those bathrooms I felt like I would just die. I would stand there and pretend to pee, and of course I couldn’t. I would have to leave the bar and drive the 45 minutes home just to finally be able to urinate in a safe bathroom.

That’s why I hated the bar scene, hated socializing, and of course, hated drinking.

Over the years my Paruresis got worse!

I told no one, I hid it, kept it bottled up for 45 years.

Even my best friend for 15 years had no idea I was Pee Shy.

Over the last few years, as I get older, I have started drinking a little. If you could call it drinking.

My drinking consist of a glass of Moscato D’Asti (Sweet Wine) maybe once or twice a month. And every now and then I’ll also have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade (Cranberry), or a Strawberry Daiquiri. I know, wimpy drinks, but that’s me. Drinks that taste more like Kool-Aid than anything.

I don’t drink anything else!

No beer, no hard alcohol, nothing.

But my friend sure do.

They know how to party!

And when I’m around them and they’re drinking like crazy, I still feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. I never have. Every now and then I think “maybe I should just get drunk like everyone else”?

For that’s something that I’ve never been:

DRUNK!

(although all my friends vow one day to get me drunk!)

It’s just one of those things that I ponder. Did I make the right choice? I tend to believe I did because I’m not an alcoholic like my father.

But in the back of my mind, I still think, what if?

What if?

My whole life could have been different.

Maybe I could have cured Paruresis with a Cocktail???

Would that have been enough? Would have lowered my guard?

Enabled me to Pee in Public?

It’s something I’ll never know.

But if I was young, and I knew what I did today, I think I probably would try…

Because after 47 years of living in hell, I’d try just about anything!

What about you?

IS ALCOHOL THE ANSWER?

Posted in Paruresis Help | 4 Comments

Walmart and Sam’s Success!

Running errands today I Fluid Load before I go.

There’s about five stores that I’m going to, but I’m saving my desensitization for the big stores; Walmart and Sam’s Club. That way I’ll have better odds at having decent traffic and not being the only guy in the bathroom.

As soon as I get to Walmart I had straight for the John.

I go in and see Both Urinals are Empty!

But… there’s someone in the first stall closest to Urinal #2.

So I walk up to Urinal #1, unzip, and wait.

And as I gently hold my breath and apply a little downward pressure, I also pull out my iPhone and check my emails.

Walmart and Sam's Success!

This always seems to make my pee pretty quickly…

A Little Distraction!

I start to pee within 15 seconds.

That’s when a guy comes in and walks behind me and goes into the second stall. I keep on peeing with no hesitation.

Now I’m looking at my texts, not really sending any, just reading, and another guy comes in.

He walks behind me as well and goes over to the stalls.

I’m still Peeing!!!

(I did drink two bottles of water)

This guy sees that they are both full and walks behind me again. Out of my peripheral vision I can see that he leans up against the wall facing me and the urinals to wait.

I keep Peeing trying not to let it bother me!

It doesn’t!

Another guy comes in and goes to Urinal #2 (Full House). He starts to Pee quickly as I finally finish up. WHEW! I zip, flush, and turn towards the sink.

The guy leaning against the wall looks at me for an awkward moment and then I wash and leave. That was scary, but it went well.

…If only all bathrooms went as smooth as this…

About 45 minutes later I find myself at Sam’s Club!

I do some shopping, eat some samples, and right before check out I head to the bathroom.

I go in, I’m all alone.

Sweet!

I piss in silence, no one else comes in the entire time.

So that’s two big stores, one busy bathroom, and one quiet as a mouse.

Another day, another success story.

I can’t wait for the day when men coming or going in the bathroom doesn’t phase me anymore.

One day.

One day!

Posted in Paruresis Help | 8 Comments

Success at Costco!

We run to Costco today for some supplies.

I Fluid Load with 1 1/2 bottles of water before we go.

I don’t have a higher urgency to pee, but I know I can pee.

And so, as soon as we walk in, I head back towards the bathrooms.

As I’m walking down the hall, I pass this really old man pushing a cart. I know he’s heading to the john as well.

I get to the end, turn the corner, and see a kid probably about 8 over by the sinks and dryer.

Success Peeing at Costco!

He looks at me when I enter, I shift my gaze and look to the urinals, there are three, they are all empty!

I take the first urinal in the corner!

I relax and just stand there quietly. The kid finishes up and leaves.

And so for a couple of seconds, it’s just me. I hold my breath to egg on my urination for I know any minute…

The old man finally ventures in!

He wobbles up to urinal number three and starts to pee immediately.

I begin to pee as well… not full force but it’s flowing. After about 15 seconds it finally picks up stream and starts to go rather strongly.

The old man finishes and goes to the sink. I’m still peeing. He’s drying his hands as another guy enters and goes to urinal #3.

Finally I finish and back away. It auto flushes as I go wash up.

And then, as I leave the bathroom and head down the hall, I pass the old man once again… TURTLE! Ha!

We shop, and right before check out I pee once more.

I walk in, and as I’m coming around the bend I see a guy at the center urinal finish up and leave… great timing for me! Whew!

I go back to number one as that guy leaves (no washing for him).

I start to pee pretty quickly!

I pee and I pee and another guy comes in and goes up to urinal #3.

I keep peeing and finally empty my bladder.

Another successful day of Fluid Loading!

Who can complain?

For the most part, it works like a charm! :)

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Avoidant Paruresis Suicide

The other day, I’m looking at my Google Analytics for my website here Shy Bladder HQ, and I’m checking out all of the search terms and keywords that bring people to my site.

Often it gives me topics to write about, plus I’m always curious to see what I show up for.

Today as I look, I see a phrase that stops me dead in my tracks, and I reread the words. They struck such a deep chord in me that I wanted to share it with you.

It read:

Avoidant Paruresis Suicide

WOW!

Someone is actually searching for that phrase… And more than likely, it’s someone who has such a dire case of Pee Shyness that they’re actually contemplating suicide.

It’s scary to think about!

It touched my heart, it really did. For I know what it feels like, I’ve been there many, many times!

I’ve been to the point where Paruresis has beaten me up and taken me to rock bottom. I’ve been so filled with hate and self-loathing that I just wanted to end it all.

I wanted to be rid of my wicked condition one way or another! Rid of this living hell that it puts me through!

YES, I have thought about Suicide A LOT!

These last few years have been very tough on me, and having a social phobia stacked on top of that is just horrendous! I saw no out!!!

It really is such a crippling condition that you feel like you can’t function or enjoy life in the least. It eats you up and spits you out!

I have gone through tons of self-hate (you’ll see examples of this in my posts). I wondered why me? Why do I have this fucking miserable Bladder Shyness? What did I do to deserve it? It’s not fair!

I’ve been there. I’ve broken down into tears. I’ve pounded the wall. I’ve screamed at myself in the mirror. I just about ripped my hair out… it really did push me to the breaking point. When you’re in public dying to pee, and you try, and you can’t, it’s the worst feeling in the world! You feel like such a loser, and it affects your entire life.

Nothing compares!

The agony! The defeat! The despair! It’s too much to handle. Your body and mind is screaming, but your bladder just won’t listen. It refuses to obey and let go of its hold.

You’d rather throw yourself down a flight of stairs, or off the side of a bridge… I hated it! For a couple of months suicide was all I could think about!

I still think about it now, occasionally (I still feel it’s grip), but not as much as I did before. It lingers in the back of my mind, taunting me, ready to pounce when I’m weak. I often feel like I got the raw end-of-life, like I’m the butt of a joke, the laughing stock!

Only one thing has helped me overcome these dark, dangerous thoughts:

RECOVERY!

With every success that I have, it lifts my spirits higher and brightens my day. It gives me hope to carry on. It makes me focus on my future and not dwell upon my past failures. It has helped me tremendously, AND IT WILL HELP YOU TOO!

Paruresis Recovery

I seriously, in a million years, would have never, EVER thought that I would get to the point where I could pee in public, at a urinal no doubt (not hidden away in a stall like a scaredy-cat). I still can’t believe that I can pee with other guys around me, and even right next to me! It blows my mind!

I would have laughed at you a year ago if you would have ever said such a thing to me. I would have shook my head and said you were crazy!

There is no freaking way… NOPE!

But there was…

And it all began with that very first step!

As scary and as frightening as it is, I just had to start… and so do you!

Just know that there is no perfect time to start. There is never an “ideal” situation which permits it. You just have to start TODAY! Start now, like right now… don’t put it off again!

Because tomorrow never comes. It’s always right here, right now, and for some people, some people with Severe Paruresis that can’t seek help, or don’t sign up with the IPA Forums, or don’t Read Books on Recovery, then tomorrow may never come!

Seriously, they may give into their suicidal ways… as sad as it is, it happens.

But we have to stay strong, we have to keep our heads above water and not panic! We have to keep moving forward and try, and try, and never give up. For you have to believe in yourself. You have to do it! No one else can do it for you!

IT’S YOU, AND ONLY YOU!

You can do it, I know, I’m doing it now! I’m living proof! I’m peeing in public!!!

I don’t have 100% success (and maybe never will, for I have been Pee Shy for over 47 years!) I may never be perfect, but I am at least 75% successful now, and THAT I LOVE! For under most circumstances I can and have peed in public thanks to recovery.

I have been peeing in public now for almost 6 months. I’m very proud of that fact. Six months of peeing in urinals is so cool!

In just six months of desensitization, I’ve only had one scary moment where I was very nervous and almost desperate about having to pee in public (opening day at the ballpark). But other than that I’ve had enormous success. I’ve had such great success peeing on a plane (a constant nightmare of mine) that it’s flooded me with emotion and literally made me cry in my seat!

I couldn’t help myself, it just came out! That’s how happy it made me!

So there really is hope for all of us!

Read how it all began with me and my recovery back in October 2013! I pretty much walk you through my journey step-by-step, day by day… until now, where I still log each and every public bathroom adventure success or not.

Avoidant Paruresis Suicide!

Today, I probably have peed successfully in public about 100 times or more! And trust me, that’s beyond all comprehension to me!

I didn’t know I had it in me. So I’m overjoyed that I stuck through the pain and depression. I’m happy that I kept fighting and struggled through my fears and phobias. I’m happy that I started my recovery with my Pee Buddy Mike, and I’m happy that I learned how to do Breath Hold, for it really does work!

I’m very happy that I forced myself to do Fluid Loading, which I didn’t think would work in the least, but it did!!! I’m very happy that I forced myself to leave the house with a full bladder as well. It works like a charm!!! It worked for me, and it WILL work for you too!

SO DON’T GIVE UP!

Don’t give in to suicide! Don’t, just DON’T!

Never let it win! You need to take control of your thoughts and your behaviors! You have to focus forward and make yourself walk the road to recovery!

It won’t be easy (I put it off for almost 2 years), but the path you’re on is not easy either! One path leads to destruction, the other leads to redemption… so change your route, change your mind, change your negative handcuffs!

Cry out for help if you need to!

Contact Me, I’ll do everything I can to assist and motivate! But above all else, believe in yourself… Believe with all of your heart that it will get better… For it always does!

Take tiny steps to start…

Baby steps… Little by little, inch by inch, and sooner or later you will get there!

For tomorrow is another day, a brighter day, and you will succeed!

I guarantee it!

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More Peeing Success!

We’re heading out to the local bar, and so I Fluid Load before hand.

We get there, and I make my way to the bathroom pronto.

I know I need to pee. I’ve actually had to pee for the last hour or so, so I should have no problems tonight…

I go in. It’s empty!

Now remember, this bathroom is TINY TINY, like the size of a broom closet. It only has 1 urinal and 1 stall. All in all, it’s about a 5 foot radius. Close quarters, no room to breath…

Plus, the urinal faces the wall directly next to the door (just an inch away). So anyone walking in, is practically in your face, looking right at you as they enter. You can’t avoid eye contact even if you tried. It’s all very unnerving!

Thankfully, all the times that I’ve ever gone in there and stood at that urinal, not a single guy has come in… which would scare the crap outta me no doubt!

I go up to the Urinal, Unzip, and Hold my Breath!

In about 20 seconds I begin to pee. I still continue to take in very slow and steady breaths, hold it, and exhale just to keep the flow going… just in case!

But, for the entire 3 minutes that I stood there peeing (like Niagara Falls), no one came in.

I was able to Pee, Wash, and Leave!

Success!

And as I exit the bathroom and start down the narrow hallway, I see at the other end, leaning against the wall, are 2 young guys (19-21?) chatting and waiting to be seated. They both look at me as I stroll by…

They could have easily come into the bathroom to pee. In fact, they could have BOTH come in to wizz at the same time (as many friends do)… And since there are only 2 spots available (unless you use the sink), one of them would have to stand directly behind me, breathing down my neck, waiting for me to finish…

My stomach drops just thinking about this…

But I’m happy that this didn’t happen. Who wants that awkwardness or embarrassment? Right?

Young guys always seem to intimidate me. All that testosterone and masculinity… It makes me wonder what really happened in my childhood to cause my Paruresis??? I don’t really know for sure. I seem to have blocked out a painful incident! It’s just a mystery to me

More Peeing Success!

Intimidating is what it is!

So while tonight was a great success, it’s all in the timing and luck!

Or is it?

I guess you can never live your life on “what ifs“…

I Peed! I Succeeded! End of story!

Right?

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A Weekend of Success!

Yesterday, we go out to eat at my favorite restaurant. Some other friends are joining us.

I guzzled a bottle of water before hand, and drank another bottle on the way.

The bathroom at this restaurant (with the long walk to the back) has always been tough for me. I’ve had some successes (here), and some not so great successes (here).

All in all, I’m determined to keep trying.

Fluid Loading helps!

So we sit down, I order a root beer and a water. I chug those too.

We order appetizers…

A Weekend of Successful Peeing!

But, before they came out, I decided to venture into the bathroom for I had a strong urge to pee.

I walk in as someone else is walking out!

I’m the only one in there (which is odd because it’s Friday night and very busy).

I walk up to the last urinal, hold my breath, and begin to pee after about 20 seconds.

I peed for a really loonnnnnnggggg time. I really thought that someone would walk in on me, but no one did.

I peed, stayed a little bit longer just to make sure I was truly empty, and then I washed and left.

As I was leaving, someone else was going in, talk about timing!

1/2 hour later, before the main course was served, I made one more trip.

Into the bathroom I go…

It was almost a mirror image of the first. I was alone, I peed all the way, I washed and left.

Then right before we left for the night, I made one last visit to the bano.

I walk in, I see one guy is at urinal #3 (in the corner).

RATS!

This meant I had no choice but to grab urinal #1, the short kiddie urinal which I dislike.

But, as I’m walking towards the urinals, I see this guy (who looks drunk and has one hand in front of him hanging onto the wall), and he’s staring at me.

Directly at me!

He had been staring since I came in the door.

He stared at me the entire time I went up to the urinals (boy do I hate that).

And, as I stepped up to the plate, he finally looked ahead again. SHEESH!

So we’re standing there, he’s quiet, I don’t hear him peeing at all. I’m quiet as I stand there hating this situation. He’s weirded me out, and the rest of the bathroom is dead silent.

It makes me even more nervous!

I hold my breath and wait, but the quiet is sinking in…

I wonder why he’s not peeing. Then I start thinking, maybe he’s wondering why I’m not peeing (you know how that goes).

That’s about when I hear him piss a little. I could hear a splash in the urinal

I’m still holding my breath!

I decide to distract myself and I pull out my iPhone as I wait. I pretend to look at my texts (thumbing through and reading them).

Then I can hear some noises coming from the last urinal. I have no idea what it was and I made sure to NOT look! Maybe he was shaking it out, or smacking himself, or something, but it didn’t sound right (or appropriate).

I actually wondered for a brief moment if he was beating off…

This freaked me out and I strived hard to block that image out of my mind.

Finally breath hold began to work and I started to pee!

The guy at the end flushed, staggered behind me and made his way over to the sinks.

I kept looking at my phone the whole time. I also kept on peeing

He washed, dried his hands and left!

WHEW!

I was able to finish peeing in peace and quiet. :)

That was a hair-raising experience.

I’m happy I waited it out and had great success. I’m quite proud of myself.

The Weekend continues…

TODAY… Sunday, we run a quick errand at Costco.

I chug 1 1/2 bottles of water and we’re out the door.

We get there, and since I didn’t have a strong urge yet, I decide to shop first and then pee on the way out.

And that’s exactly what I did!

As I went towards the bathroom, another guy, just feet in front of me, entered as well.

He takes up the #1 urinal (in the corner), and I grab #3 (by the stalls). Some other guy is at the sink.

The guy at the first urinal is quiet. I can’t hear him peeing, but I can clearly hear the guy washing up behind me.

So I do the same thing as I did the previous night. I pull out my iPhone to distract myself (do other guys do this?)

It Worked… Again!

I start to pee in about 30 seconds. It’s slow to start, just half drizzling out, but I ignore everything and just keep checking my emails.

Soon I begin to pee full force!

The guy at urinal 1 (the quiet pee’r, or non pee’r??? – you never know) finishes and goes to the sink.

And as I’m peeing, a Costco worker comes in (with the walkie-talkie blaring), and he goes to urinal #1.

I finish peeing, wash and leave!

Success again!

So I see distraction does work. Either that, or I’m just getting used to tuning everyone out and peeing in public.

I’m sure, as the months and years go by, it’ll just get easier and easier.

Time will tell!

But for now, that’s 4 attempts and 4 big successes!

Gotta love that! :)

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Fish And Chips And Peeing

Me and a bunch of my friends all go out to a pub in the afternoon.

And before I left the house, I drank a bottle of water. Just so it would help me pee at the restaurant.

And after a couple more drinks, appetizers, and the main course (Fish and Chips), I could feel the urge to pee.

Fish And Chips And Peeing!

So I head back to the men’s bathroom!

I go in.

It’s empty!

There are 2 all urinals in there. I take the last one in the corner.

I gently hold my breath, and after about 20 seconds, I begin to pee.

Now the pub was busy, so I fully expected company soon…

And, as I was getting close to finishing…

The door opens…

And, as it opened, I tried to keep myself calm and relaxed, saying to myself “keep peeing, keep peeing, keep peeing…

And as he walked in, I didn’t lose my stream.

I kept it going, even though it did weaken some.

And I kept my flow going all the time he walked to the urinal. And only, as he stepped directly next to me into the only vacant spot left, did my stream cut off.

RATS!

So I got past the startling door opening. I got past the presence of another guy walking towards me…

And only when he was within touching distance (my safety zone) did my body react and clench.

I held my breath as he began to pee, for I wanted to finish.

Shortly after, I was able to pee some more, and finally finish my business.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over my scared feelings for good. Maybe one day they’ll just dissolve and leave and I’ll never have to worry ever again.

Or maybe, it’ll haunt me until the day I die?

All I know is that I’m trying. I’m peeing in urinals. And I’m peeing around other people.

It’s better than my previous 46 years!

So I guess I shouldn’t complain.

I peed!

‘Nuff said! :)

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C3PO…K!

We have to run some errands today, so before I go, I Fluid Load!

I Fluid Load a LOT!

I drank 2 bottles of water, and another bottle on the way.

We get to Menards 20 minutes later.

I head straight for the bathroom. And as I’m going in, some other guy is coming out. He looks at me, I look away… (I hate it when I do that, it’s such a shameful thing to do).

I go in, the bathroom is now empty.

I go to the first urinal and see that the bottom of the urinal is filled with piss and water. The drain is plugged. Not cool! The urinal cake was floating and it looked like liquid was leaking out over the floor.

Urinal Overflowing

I move over to urinal #3 instead! (next to the stalls)

I hold my breath slightly as I read the latest ads on the wall. HEY, Rootbeer is on sale! :)

Sweet!

I start to pee, and pee, and pee…

And all the while I prepare myself for someone walking in…

I say to myself “Who cares if they come in. I’m peeing! I’m not going to let it bother me. I’m just a man peeing in a urinal like everyone else. No big deal…”

I’m still peeing…

I then hear a shuffle and some guy comes around the corner. He steps up to urinal #1 (good luck with that buddy)!

I keep on peeing!

Some other guy comes in, walks behind me, and goes into the last stall (I think there are 2).

I keep on peeing and finally finish.

That felt great!

I wash and leave.

I know I’ll have to pee again in like 10 minutes or so (I always do), but we’re shopping here and then going to Sam’s Club after, so I’ll hold it until we get there.

And, just like planned, within a half hour we’re at Sams.

I head towards the men’s room!

As I’m walking down the hall leading to the bathroom, I see another guy in front of me, probably about ten feet, going in as well.

I don’t slow, I don’t hesitate, I say to myself “I need to do this, I need the practice, I have to pee with other guys around…”, so I follow him in.

He goes up to urinal 3 (3 of 3), and I went to the first urinal (in the corner). He starts to pee like it was going out of style. He peed loud and fast.

I didn’t!

I had to breath hold for about 30 seconds before it began. He was already at the sink by the time I started.

And this time, my urine was coming out slow…

Someone else, who was in one of the stalls, flushed. I could hear them pulling up their pants.

My stream finally picked up steam and got going at a good pace.

The stall guy came out and washed.

I peed for a good minute until I was finally finished!

Then I washed and left.

2 Big Successes!!!! How cool is that?

We shopped, grabbed some samples (Dino-Nuggets), and during check out, Mike asked me if I needed to use the bathroom again?

I hadn’t planned on it… But I did have a slight urge… Not grand, but I could probably still go…

So I decided to try!

I made my way back to the bathroom once more.

I see all 3 urinals are empty (I have no idea about the stalls).

I do a slight breath hold, and in about 15 seconds, I start to pee.

Awesome!

Some guy comes in and goes to urinal #3. My stream weakened slightly, but didn’t stop. It keep puttering along (to my amazement).

Another guy comes in and goes into the first stall. He peed really loud and really fast (I always find it odd to hear guys peeing in stalls now, but there is a guy code to adhere to… And I used to pee in the stalls for 40 years or so myself…!)

All in all, I peed 3 times today. All 3 a great success!

And I owe it all to my continuing practice of Breath Hold and Fluid Loading!

It works!

See, that’s 3 Pees… Okay?

C3PO…K! :)

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