Fully Desensitized ???

I’m peeing in the small bathroom next to the kitchen yesterday afternoon.

I’m pissing in the toilet and of course, I have the door wide open.

Why?

Because I’m desensitizing!

…And the fact that it’s just two guys who live in this big ole house…

So I’m peeing and all of a sudden Mike (My Pee Buddy) pops his head in, looks directly at me, and asks me a question.

I look back, answer him, and he continues on his way as I continue to pee.

Today the same thing happened!

I’m taking a piss in the bathroom and Mike comes by, and this time I didn’t even hear him approaching.

And what does he do?

He jumps in the doorway trying to scare me (used to be a huge fear of mine).

Fully Desensitized From Paruresis

The funny thing is, it didn’t work.

I didn’t skip a beat. I kept on peeing like normal.

He laughs, I look at him, smirk, and he keeps on walking.

Later on, after about six cups of coffee…

I’m in the bathroom once more taking a piss!

Mike walked by and actually came in with an hand full of stuff for the cabinet. He goes behind me (which, for a tiny bathroom is just inches away), opens the drawer, puts stuff in and walks back out of the bathroom. The entire time he’s talking to me and asking me questions. I answer him like it’s no big deal.

And I’m very proud of one thing…

I Peed non-stop!

I didn’t slow, I didn’t hesitate, I didn’t stop my stream. I just continued like I didn’t have Paruresis at all.

And I stood there after he left and I thought to myself, I actually feel fully desensitized around him!

I mean, I’m talking to him, and looking at him as he’s coming and going and even trying to scare me… And it didn’t stop me from peeing, or even phase me.

And guess what, I don’t think anything would with him.

It made me realize that this is what desensitization does

It takes away the fear!

I mean, I’ve literally been peeing around Mike now for almost a full year (ever since I began Recovery last October). And so this is what repetition does to you.

Which means, it can happen in the field as well!

If you do it enough, and you do it often, and you keep repeating it, and never stop, you will desensitize yourself!

Eventually it will happen.

It’s bound to!

You will, and you can, desensitize yourself to peeing in a public bathroom just as easy.

It’s just continued practice.

And that’s actually a very cool thing to know.

A year ago I would’ve never dreamed that I would be able to pee anywhere near him, let alone with him walking by the door talking to me, coming in, and even trying to scare me.

But yet a year later, look at me. It’s pretty amazing.

Of course I don’t have this track record out in public yet, but I’m at least 75% of the way there.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to 100%, but I do feel that as long as I keep trying and I never give up, that one day, someday, I will get there.

Eventually!

Just you wait and see!

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Peeing at Krogers

We go out to eat for lunch yesterday at my favorite restaurant.

I didn’t Fluid Load before hand, just went like normal. I had a root beer and a salad and that was it. Lunch was quick and we were still headed to the grocery store.

Now, I didn’t have to pee at the restaurant, but over the next 15 minute drive to Krogers, I could actually feel the urge to pee begin.

I tell Mike that I needed to pee. He says to me “Do you want me to stop home first?“, considering the fact that Krogers is basically across the street from where we live.

I say “No, I’ll pee at Krogers”.

And so, as soon as we get there, I head towards the bathroom.

I go in.

I’m the only one there!

I step up to the one and only low urinal, unzip, and wait.

This bathroom is very small and very, very quiet.

Peeing at Krogers

I hold my breath and decide to pull my phone out to check my emails… that usually does the trick.

And sure enough…

I start to pee in 15 seconds!

And I Peed and I Peed, until finally I was finished.

And just as I was ending my stream, the door opens and a guy comes in.

He sees that there is only one urinal and one stall… he hesitates and moves around for a second behind me. I can hear his awkward shuffling as he was gauging if I was finished or not.

I was!

I shake, flush and move away. He quickly took my spot as I washed and left.

It all worked out perfect for me and I returned home with an empty bladder

AND, I didn’t have to Fluid Load or leave the house needing to piss either.

That’s a first!

And that I love!

Posted in Paruresis Help | 2 Comments

I Am Still Ashamed

Dave (a fellow Recovering Paruretic), and I have emailed each other about our Shy Bladder journeys. If you remember from previous posts, Dave is an IPA support group leader in Wisconsin

But, more accurately he says:

“I am currently the group leader for Wisconsin, and as such I set up monthly group meetings for the purpose of sharing and graduated exposure practice, I provide individual assistance as a pee-buddy, and I maintain a monthly online update so that guys who cannot attend meetings can still participate in a group experience. My sign-in name for the IPA Talk Forum is david53, and you are welcome to read through my posts if you are interested in my journey in recovery.”

Dave IPA Talk Forums

In more email communication with Dave, something else came up that really made me stop and think.

Dave said to me:

“One of the best things about recovery is that I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed about having Paruresis. I have come to fully accept that Paruresis is not a definition of who I am, it is simply a condition that I have, so sharing things about it with others is not of concern at all.”

For which I responded…

“I still have only told my best friend (and the whole wide web), who’s my Pee Buddy about my condition, none of my other friends or family know. So I guess I am still ashamed about it.”

And Dave replied:

“You will know when the time is right for you open up to friends about your condition – that is a personal decision which I completely respect, so please do not think that I was implying anything when I discussed my own recovery.

I have tremendous respect for your willingness to share your experiences on the World Wide Web because posting about your deepest fears, even though you may not know the readers, is a personal risk that most guys with Paruresis would never consider taking. You said that you have personally only shared with Mike and none of your other friends, but I would suggest that friendships come in many different forms.”

I thought about that, and I realized that yes, it’s so true!

I am still ashamed and embarrassed about my Shy Bladder. For only one person in my entire life, Mike, my Pee Buddy and best friend. knows about me and my secret phobia.

One Person!

Sure, I have this Shy Bladder Blog which I’ve opened myself up to the entire web, but it’s not the same. I’m still anonymous on here (Although I am an IPA Forum Member… a.k.a. PeeShyRichard). People only learn my first name. So my true identity is still hidden just like my Paruresis.

So I ask myself, am I really recovering?

Am I ever going to be fully cured? Can I be when I can’t even fully accept it myself? Come to terms with who I really am? I am Pee Shy. That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, or even a weird person. It just means I’m a little bit more sensitive than other people. So why is it so hard to open up? Let my friends and family see who I really am? This is part of the curse! Part of this shyness that has haunted me my whole life.

Would it help my condition if I told them?

Let everyone know that I’m scared to pee around other guys? Or would that just make matters worse?

It really is a good question. I’ll probably never know the answer. Because I like who I am right now. I like where I am in my recovery process. I feel like I’ve come a long way.

This entire year I’ve been able to pee in urinals, in bathrooms, next to other guys, and that’s something that I was never able to do ever before!!! And it still blows my mind to even think about. I was so terrified of peeing in a urinal. I couldn’t even step up to one. And now look at me…

I’m doing it!

So ultimately, whether my friends know or not, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is the outcome. The end result.

Some of my friends probably wouldn’t care. In fact maybe none of them would. But I’ll bet you it would come up in conversations a lot. And that could get embarrassing. It would draw more attention to me and my bathroom visits (“Oh look, there he goes…”), make me even more self conscious. Sure, they would try to help me, but I fear they just wouldn’t understand. Not many people can comprehend the fact that you can’t naturally pee when you need to. People will say “just ignore it”, “don’t think about it”, “drink more water”, “jump up and down”, “use the stalls”, “multiply”… And the worst…

“Do you want me to come with you???”

Uh, NO!

People naturally want to help. But what they don’t realize is that there really isn’t much they can do. Everything that needs to be done, is inside of myself.

Because 99% of Paruresis is mental, not physical!

It’s changing my thoughts, which then changes my actions.

So am I still ashamed?

Sure! And I probably will be until the day I die. But I’ll tell you one thing, I’m not going to let it stop me, nor slow me down. I’ll keep practicing, keep desensitizing, and never give up.

Because I’m determined… I want to win!

Maybe one day I will share my secret. But until then, I’m going to Fluid Load and force myself to enter the men’s bathroom.

No one else needs to know, just me, and you, and 1000 guys in the bathroom who have no clue.

Sounds like a plan, Stan!

Don’t you think?

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Do you Really Need a Pee Buddy?

Following my last post about how a Pee Buddy can make you stronger and can help you overcome Paruresis, let’s turn the tables…

Do you really need a Pee Buddy?

Is it really necessary?

Can you do it alone?

Let’s find out…

A recent reader of mine, and a fellow Paruretic (Chris), left some comments in my post here (and I’m bringing this up because great comments like this are too important to be buried in a comments section).

Do you Really Need a Pee Buddy?

Chris is basically taking all the steps needed to recover by himself… Without the use of a Pee Buddy. He’s Fluid Loading and forcing himself to go into the men’s public bathroom, and urinating just like I have all year.

Chris Writes:

“…I live alone thankfully. I have no friends outside of work because the inability to use a restroom which I know I will have to use. I’m actually in my car sitting in a Target parking lot (as I write this now). I just came from a practice pee session. I’m doing exactly what you are doing, I’m going to the mall, Target, Walmart, Dicks, Bed Bath and Beyond. I go anywhere I can to use a public restroom and pee where there are other people potentially present. I liquid load before I go out, and bring a water bottle to refill, and just go to every bath room physically possible and try to pee! I’ve been kind of successful, and kind of not…”

I can’t tell you how impressed I am with Chris!

It takes a lot of guts to do this by yourself. I admire that drive and determination. And as much as I recommend finding a Pee Buddy, for some it’s not even a possibility.

Chris writes:

“…A Pee Buddy is out of the question for me because I have no best friend. It’s really taken hold of my life like a bad drug. But I’m just glad that I’m facing my fear and I’m glad that I can read your success and want to beat this phobia!! I want my life back!!!…”

This was my Response:

“Hi, thank you Chris. Thank you for Fluid Loading and forcing yourself out of your comfort zone and into the public bathrooms that you fear. That really is the only way to win this phobia. Try, keep trying, practicing, and desensitize. It gets easier as the months go by, but every now and then you will have bad moments. It’s bound to happen. Just don’t weigh too heavy on them and stay focused.

I’ve had Paruresis for over 47 years, and I’m just now getting a handle on things. Good luck with your progress. Practice Breath Hold if you can, for you can do this! And it does help. I used my Pee Buddy in the beginning to get used to peeing around other people, but I didn’t have any break-throughs until I started Fluid Loading at the first of this year! That’s when it all began to happen (like magic) and it forced me to pee in public at urinals, which I had never done in my life. So keep your head up and thanks for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it! :) If you ever have more to add, or just want to share something, do so, I’m sure it will help other people out as well. Cheers! -Richard”

And then, even more great feedback came in from Dave, who is actually an IPA support group leader in Wisconsin.

Dave writes:

“Chris, It may not feel like it yet, but you have already started to get your life back starting the process of recovery. It is a process, which means that there will be ups and downs, times when it is easy and other times when it is incredibly difficult, but you are not alone in this, and it is fantastic that you have reached out to Richard.

I have been in recovery for about four years, and just as you are doing, since I didn’t have a pee buddy, I found public restrooms that I could use and I practiced regularly. I used fluid-loading and I also tried to time visits to restrooms with times when I had a high urgency rate. My pee-buddies were a lot of anonymous guys who never knew I was practicing with them. You mentioned that you have been kind of successful, great – focus on that. Recovery involves baby steps, each success is something to build on and each misfire is something to learn from. At your early point in recovery you are achieving significant success just walking into a public restroom and facing your worst fears, regardless of whether you are able to pee or not. Richard mentioned breath-holding as a back-up plan, and it is good to have one because it will give you the confidence to try more challenging situations. I started by getting trained on how to use a self-catheter (it sounds worse than it actually is), and later I learned how to do breath-holding, which takes awhile to master but can be really helpful.

Recovery can be frustrating, and at times you may want to give up. I can tell you from personal experience that it is worth the effort, and that it is possible to get your life back. I always wanted to know what it felt like to just walk into a restroom and pee like a regular guy – now I know, and it feels great! Hang in there buddy, you aren’t alone!

Dave”

Wow! Let me tell you, his response blew me away. One sentence stands out, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This sentence here is worth rereading:

My Pee-Buddies were a lot of anonymous guys who never knew I was practicing with them!

What an incredible eye-opener!

Well said Dave, I applaud you. It certainly makes you think. Just a little shift like this in the way that one perceives things can have dramatic outcomes and results.

I really do love it!

It goes to show you how your mind is adaptive and you can train it to change your thoughts, your behaviors, and your entire future

It proves that if you change the way that you look at things, alter your negative attitude, and focus on the positive outcomes, you too can overcome anything. Instead of saying “I can’t pee in public“, say “I will successfully pee in public, next to other guys, at a urinal, and I’ll leave the bathroom happy and empty!” It’s all in what you tell yourself. It’s the positive reinforcement that you feed your mind.

And it works to… For Chris replied:

“I never looked at it that way. Yeah, everyone is my Pee Buddy and they don’t know it. I remember when I started this recovery process I told myself that I cannot pee in public bathrooms. Saying that meant I couldn’t use a public bathroom no matter what! So I started to retrain my thoughts. And telling myself ‘you can pee in a public bathroom’ after a few successes. It’s just the situation that I encounter in the bathroom is what makes it hard. So after retraining my thoughts it’s been easier to face the fear! I’m out at the mall and just had a very good success. I was entering the mall. Went to the bathroom. A guy entered right before me. I walk up to a urinal and held my breath a little and peed with someone 3 urinals down from me. Those successful moments make you start to hold your head up high and have confidences that it is possible!! And look at other guys and say yourself I can pee like he does!”

I responded:

“Awesome Chris! I’m happy to hear that. You are so right, most of the challenge and difficulty is right in our own brains (which triggered another post soon to come). Changing the things we do (forcing yourself to face your fears), and changing our perspective and attitudes (I CAN do this!) can change the entire experience from bad to good. Congrats! Keep up the positive outlook and just keep practicing! :) -Richard”

And I really did think about this a lot. I thought about my own situation, and Mike, my Pee Buddy. I wondered “could I have did this without him?

The answer is YES!

You see, Mike has helped me greatly at home getting me used to peeing around him. But, when I’m out in public, I don’t pee around Mike.

Generally, I go in the bathroom by myself. So my Pee Buddy doesn’t do much for me outside of the home. He’s there for support and talking to, but I’m still Fluid Loading and forcing myself to walk into the bathrooms alone. Just like Chris is doing by himself.

So do I really need a Pee Buddy?

NO!

I don’t think it would change my successes or misfires any. But it does give me an ear to rely on. And that’s a nice thing to have.

So, all in all, I would say yes, you can overcome Paruresis by yourself. You can certainly drink tons of water and make yourself pee in public. So don’t let a Pee Buddy deter you from the recovery process.

It may be a little bit harder alone, but nothing about Paruresis is easy.

And you can definitely reach out to people. Sign up with the IPA Forums, there’s tons of people you could chat with for help. And of course, you can always reach out and chat with me. I’m going through recovery myself, so I know exactly what it feels like. Email me, leave comments, reply, get in touch. I’m here for you. I can be your Pee Buddy! I will support you, and you can support me, and together we will overcome this phobia one day at a time.

And just 2 days ago, Chris left another inspiring comment.

Chris Wrote:

“Yeah I wish I could have a Pee Buddy maybe one day, it’s just so hard to get one because everyone is so busy and probably wouldn’t have time to be around when I pee. But I still like that we secretly use strangers as our Pee Buddies!!

I Just had to give a really good update… Something I have never ever done in my entire life!!! I fluid loaded. Went to the mall. Had a pretty decent size urge. Was walking behind some guy who entered the restroom before me. I then entered the bathroom. There are three urinals, there was another guy using one. So I said you know what, I want to give myself a challenge… I stood between both men. Took a deep breath. Held it a little. I heard the other guy start his stream. Probably 2 seconds after he did, I did.

I couldn’t believe it. In all of my 27 years on this earth I never peed between two grown men at urinals. They had dividers which was an advantage but… I don’t believe it!! It’s like a cloud is lifting from my restrained life I’ve lived. I’m starting to learn that consistency is the key. Everyday after work, fluid load, and hit the restrooms. Keep pushing towards our goals and we will make it!”

THAT’S AWESOME NEWS!

Words cannot express how happy I am for Chris! It’s a powerful emotion that touches the heart of this blogging Paruretic!

WELL DONE BUDDY!!!

So once again, thanks much to Chris and Dave, for opening up and sharing your thoughts and experiences. I really appreciate it.

Peace! :)

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A Pee Buddy Makes You Strong!

I was watching NATGEO the other night, more specifically “The Numbers Game“.
The show was about “toughness“.

It talked about the different ways to make yourself physically and mentally tougher. And one of the ways to strengthen yourself was to strengthen with other people, or strength in numbers.

A Pee Buddy Makes You Strong!

You see, if you find someone who has the same exact problems as you, you can then work together more effectively to find a grand solution.

Becoming stronger together is better than going it alone. You can strengthen each other and you will be able to overcome your difficulties faster and easier.

And I thought about this, and it’s so true.

In fact, that’s exactly what I’ve been doing to recover from Paruresis.

I found a Pee Buddy who could help me. This act is what made it possible for me to now pee in public, in busy bathrooms, with other guys all around (most of the time).

It’s a Buddy!

Someone that I can talk to, open up to, discuss matters instead of keeping it hidden and secret.

It’s a great support system!

Much like the IPA Forums and support groups, but on a much smaller scale. They already know that meeting and talking with others going through the same thing is beneficial to all. You feel like you’re not alone and it gives you the courage and backbone to face your phobia head-on. You feel like you can tackle this condition one day at a time because you’re doing it with a Buddy.

Someone that you can share your emotions and experience with.

It really does work!

Before I decided to try working with a Pee Buddy I actually failed for almost 2 years (Read the post that made me start up again). I tried by myself, and it didn’t work. I tried to “cure” myself and I got nowhere fast. I gave up. I feel like it made matters even worse! It was depressing!

But the day I finally accepted the fact that I had no choice but to get a Pee Buddy and I took that scary but initial first step is the day that changed my life forever (read: My Pee Buddy begins!).

I began living that day!

The chip was off my shoulder! I wasn’t locking my problem away in a closet, I was bringing it to the open, as frightening as it was. I started with my Pee Buddy (day 1), and to this day eight months later, I still pee at least once a day with my Pee Buddy next to me. I can tell that I’m used to. It was a gradual, slow process, but it’s undoing years of bad behavior. It’s working.

Yesterday, I was peeing in the bathroom mid-afternoon, and I had the door wide-open. Now many people would wonder why I would do such a thing, but it’s just the two of us guys who live here, so peeing with the door open is no biggie (granted, it used to be for me). But peeing freely is a manly thing to do, just like peeing on the side of the road with your buddy, or peeing in a urinal or trough in a public bathroom. It’s no different. There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

For the most part, guys don’t care, it’s no big deal… for those without Paruresis.

For me, it’s continuous desensitization.

And so, here I was peeing and Mike, my Pee Buddy, comes down the hall and sticks his head in the bathroom. I didn’t even hear him coming. He pops his head in and asked me a question. He’s facing directly at me, and I didn’t break stream! I didn’t falter in the least, but I did turn to look at him, I replied, and I kept on peeing.

That’s what having a Pee Buddy has done to me. That’s how far I’ve come. It’s quite insane to even think about. But it”s support, teamwork, and it brings success!

So if you have Paruresis, or Shy Bladder, or Pee Shyness, or whatever you call it, open up and find yourself a Buddy.

Whether it be a best friend (like mine, even though he doesn’t have Paruresis), someone in the forums, a support group, or a meeting… find someone that you can confide in and use them for strength!

You have to!

I don’t know anyone who’s fully recovered that didn’t get help somewhere, somehow.

Get a Buddy!

Begin desensitizing. Little by little you will recover.

Grab a book if you must. There are tons of great books on the subject (read my Shy Bladder books post here). They can prepare you, help you stay focused, and it will give you the boost to begin!

But it all starts with you!

That’s the first step. It’s crucial!

You have to be ready to face your demons. Just don’t do it alone.

Find a Buddy. Become stronger. And let that strength carry you forward.

It will work.

It did for me. :)

Posted in Paruresis Help | 4 Comments

How Alcohol Affects Paruresis

I often wonder, if I drank, how different my life would be.

I never drink as a young adult, I didn’t drink at all in my 20′s. I may have had one small sip of champagne at New Year’s, but that’s about it.

I always contributed it to the fact that my dad was an alcoholic and used to beat me. I swore I never wanted to be like him. Hence I stayed away from alcohol as much as possible.

But that of course is not entirely the truth!

That’s what I used to tell people.

Paruresis also had a lot to do with it.

For the more I drank in public the more I would need to pee…

And that frightened me!

So when I would go out to the bars or events I wouldn’t drink. I literally drank nothing. I would dehydrate myself all night.

But I often wonder if that was the right thing to do?

As one reader of this blog and a fellow Paruretic pointed out (college kid), that alcohol actually helped him overcome his pee shyness. He said it lowered his inhibitions and allowed him more success at peeing in urinals around other guys. He went on to say:

Drinking helps you pee, and is good even after you mess up, because it helps you come across stronger… After like 5 beers, any man can pee anywhere is what I am saying.

So yes, I do think about it a lot!

Would my life have been different if I drink like my friends?

How Alcohol Affects Paruresis?

They would down beer after beer and everything else, and have such a great time whooping and hollering. But not me. I would just stand there and watch them get drunk, and it always made me feel out of place, like I didn’t belong. If I drank back then, would it have allowed me to pee in public? Loosen me up enough where it didn’t bother me? Who knows?

But I do remember some of those bathrooms…

I remember being scared to death of them.

There were always young people everywhere, talking, laughing, drinking… Macho Guys, Beautiful Girls… and here I am like a deer in headlights, walking in with my tail between my legs.

I hated those days!

For it took a lot for me to venture into those bathrooms as it was. I had to be so desperate to pee that I had no choice. I had to walk in and at least make an attempt, it was that bad. But it got worse… Most of the men’s bathrooms were nothing but a wall of urinals. And when I would walk into those bathrooms I felt like I would just die. I would stand there and pretend to pee, and of course I couldn’t. I would have to leave the bar and drive the 45 minutes home just to finally be able to urinate in a safe bathroom.

That’s why I hated the bar scene, hated socializing, and of course, hated drinking.

Over the years my Paruresis got worse!

I told no one, I hid it, kept it bottled up for 45 years.

Even my best friend for 15 years had no idea I was Pee Shy.

Over the last few years, as I get older, I have started drinking a little. If you could call it drinking.

My drinking consist of a glass of Moscato D’Asti (Sweet Wine) maybe once or twice a month. And every now and then I’ll also have a Mike’s Hard Lemonade (Cranberry), or a Strawberry Daiquiri. I know, wimpy drinks, but that’s me. Drinks that taste more like Kool-Aid than anything.

I don’t drink anything else!

No beer, no hard alcohol, nothing.

But my friend sure do.

They know how to party!

And when I’m around them and they’re drinking like crazy, I still feel out of place. I never feel like I fit in. I never have. Every now and then I think “maybe I should just get drunk like everyone else”?

For that’s something that I’ve never been:

DRUNK!

(although all my friends vow one day to get me drunk!)

It’s just one of those things that I ponder. Did I make the right choice? I tend to believe I did because I’m not an alcoholic like my father.

But in the back of my mind, I still think, what if?

What if?

My whole life could have been different.

Maybe I could have cured Paruresis with a Cocktail???

Would that have been enough? Would have lowered my guard?

Enabled me to Pee in Public?

It’s something I’ll never know.

But if I was young, and I knew what I did today, I think I probably would try…

Because after 47 years of living in hell, I’d try just about anything!

What about you?

IS ALCOHOL THE ANSWER?

Posted in Paruresis Help | 4 Comments

Walmart and Sam’s Success!

Running errands today I Fluid Load before I go.

There’s about five stores that I’m going to, but I’m saving my desensitization for the big stores; Walmart and Sam’s Club. That way I’ll have better odds at having decent traffic and not being the only guy in the bathroom.

As soon as I get to Walmart I had straight for the John.

I go in and see Both Urinals are Empty!

But… there’s someone in the first stall closest to Urinal #2.

So I walk up to Urinal #1, unzip, and wait.

And as I gently hold my breath and apply a little downward pressure, I also pull out my iPhone and check my emails.

Walmart and Sam's Success!

This always seems to make my pee pretty quickly…

A Little Distraction!

I start to pee within 15 seconds.

That’s when a guy comes in and walks behind me and goes into the second stall. I keep on peeing with no hesitation.

Now I’m looking at my texts, not really sending any, just reading, and another guy comes in.

He walks behind me as well and goes over to the stalls.

I’m still Peeing!!!

(I did drink two bottles of water)

This guy sees that they are both full and walks behind me again. Out of my peripheral vision I can see that he leans up against the wall facing me and the urinals to wait.

I keep Peeing trying not to let it bother me!

It doesn’t!

Another guy comes in and goes to Urinal #2 (Full House). He starts to Pee quickly as I finally finish up. WHEW! I zip, flush, and turn towards the sink.

The guy leaning against the wall looks at me for an awkward moment and then I wash and leave. That was scary, but it went well.

…If only all bathrooms went as smooth as this…

About 45 minutes later I find myself at Sam’s Club!

I do some shopping, eat some samples, and right before check out I head to the bathroom.

I go in, I’m all alone.

Sweet!

I piss in silence, no one else comes in the entire time.

So that’s two big stores, one busy bathroom, and one quiet as a mouse.

Another day, another success story.

I can’t wait for the day when men coming or going in the bathroom doesn’t phase me anymore.

One day.

One day!

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Success at Costco!

We run to Costco today for some supplies.

I Fluid Load with 1 1/2 bottles of water before we go.

I don’t have a higher urgency to pee, but I know I can pee.

And so, as soon as we walk in, I head back towards the bathrooms.

As I’m walking down the hall, I pass this really old man pushing a cart. I know he’s heading to the john as well.

I get to the end, turn the corner, and see a kid probably about 8 over by the sinks and dryer.

Success Peeing at Costco!

He looks at me when I enter, I shift my gaze and look to the urinals, there are three, they are all empty!

I take the first urinal in the corner!

I relax and just stand there quietly. The kid finishes up and leaves.

And so for a couple of seconds, it’s just me. I hold my breath to egg on my urination for I know any minute…

The old man finally ventures in!

He wobbles up to urinal number three and starts to pee immediately.

I begin to pee as well… not full force but it’s flowing. After about 15 seconds it finally picks up stream and starts to go rather strongly.

The old man finishes and goes to the sink. I’m still peeing. He’s drying his hands as another guy enters and goes to urinal #3.

Finally I finish and back away. It auto flushes as I go wash up.

And then, as I leave the bathroom and head down the hall, I pass the old man once again… TURTLE! Ha!

We shop, and right before check out I pee once more.

I walk in, and as I’m coming around the bend I see a guy at the center urinal finish up and leave… great timing for me! Whew!

I go back to number one as that guy leaves (no washing for him).

I start to pee pretty quickly!

I pee and I pee and another guy comes in and goes up to urinal #3.

I keep peeing and finally empty my bladder.

Another successful day of Fluid Loading!

Who can complain?

For the most part, it works like a charm! :)

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Avoidant Paruresis Suicide

The other day, I’m looking at my Google Analytics for my website here Shy Bladder HQ, and I’m checking out all of the search terms and keywords that bring people to my site.

Often it gives me topics to write about, plus I’m always curious to see what I show up for.

Today as I look, I see a phrase that stops me dead in my tracks, and I reread the words. They struck such a deep chord in me that I wanted to share it with you.

It read:

Avoidant Paruresis Suicide

WOW!

Someone is actually searching for that phrase… And more than likely, it’s someone who has such a dire case of Pee Shyness that they’re actually contemplating suicide.

It’s scary to think about!

It touched my heart, it really did. For I know what it feels like, I’ve been there many, many times!

I’ve been to the point where Paruresis has beaten me up and taken me to rock bottom. I’ve been so filled with hate and self-loathing that I just wanted to end it all.

I wanted to be rid of my wicked condition one way or another! Rid of this living hell that it puts me through!

YES, I have thought about Suicide A LOT!

These last few years have been very tough on me, and having a social phobia stacked on top of that is just horrendous! I saw no out!!!

It really is such a crippling condition that you feel like you can’t function or enjoy life in the least. It eats you up and spits you out!

I have gone through tons of self-hate (you’ll see examples of this in my posts). I wondered why me? Why do I have this fucking miserable Bladder Shyness? What did I do to deserve it? It’s not fair!

I’ve been there. I’ve broken down into tears. I’ve pounded the wall. I’ve screamed at myself in the mirror. I just about ripped my hair out… it really did push me to the breaking point. When you’re in public dying to pee, and you try, and you can’t, it’s the worst feeling in the world! You feel like such a loser, and it affects your entire life.

Nothing compares!

The agony! The defeat! The despair! It’s too much to handle. Your body and mind is screaming, but your bladder just won’t listen. It refuses to obey and let go of its hold.

You’d rather throw yourself down a flight of stairs, or off the side of a bridge… I hated it! For a couple of months suicide was all I could think about!

I still think about it now, occasionally (I still feel it’s grip), but not as much as I did before. It lingers in the back of my mind, taunting me, ready to pounce when I’m weak. I often feel like I got the raw end-of-life, like I’m the butt of a joke, the laughing stock!

Only one thing has helped me overcome these dark, dangerous thoughts:

RECOVERY!

With every success that I have, it lifts my spirits higher and brightens my day. It gives me hope to carry on. It makes me focus on my future and not dwell upon my past failures. It has helped me tremendously, AND IT WILL HELP YOU TOO!

Paruresis Recovery

I seriously, in a million years, would have never, EVER thought that I would get to the point where I could pee in public, at a urinal no doubt (not hidden away in a stall like a scaredy-cat). I still can’t believe that I can pee with other guys around me, and even right next to me! It blows my mind!

I would have laughed at you a year ago if you would have ever said such a thing to me. I would have shook my head and said you were crazy!

There is no freaking way… NOPE!

But there was…

And it all began with that very first step!

As scary and as frightening as it is, I just had to start… and so do you!

Just know that there is no perfect time to start. There is never an “ideal” situation which permits it. You just have to start TODAY! Start now, like right now… don’t put it off again!

Because tomorrow never comes. It’s always right here, right now, and for some people, some people with Severe Paruresis that can’t seek help, or don’t sign up with the IPA Forums, or don’t Read Books on Recovery, then tomorrow may never come!

Seriously, they may give into their suicidal ways… as sad as it is, it happens.

But we have to stay strong, we have to keep our heads above water and not panic! We have to keep moving forward and try, and try, and never give up. For you have to believe in yourself. You have to do it! No one else can do it for you!

IT’S YOU, AND ONLY YOU!

You can do it, I know, I’m doing it now! I’m living proof! I’m peeing in public!!!

I don’t have 100% success (and maybe never will, for I have been Pee Shy for over 47 years!) I may never be perfect, but I am at least 75% successful now, and THAT I LOVE! For under most circumstances I can and have peed in public thanks to recovery.

I have been peeing in public now for almost 6 months. I’m very proud of that fact. Six months of peeing in urinals is so cool!

In just six months of desensitization, I’ve only had one scary moment where I was very nervous and almost desperate about having to pee in public (opening day at the ballpark). But other than that I’ve had enormous success. I’ve had such great success peeing on a plane (a constant nightmare of mine) that it’s flooded me with emotion and literally made me cry in my seat!

I couldn’t help myself, it just came out! That’s how happy it made me!

So there really is hope for all of us!

Read how it all began with me and my recovery back in October 2013! I pretty much walk you through my journey step-by-step, day by day… until now, where I still log each and every public bathroom adventure success or not.

Avoidant Paruresis Suicide!

Today, I probably have peed successfully in public about 100 times or more! And trust me, that’s beyond all comprehension to me!

I didn’t know I had it in me. So I’m overjoyed that I stuck through the pain and depression. I’m happy that I kept fighting and struggled through my fears and phobias. I’m happy that I started my recovery with my Pee Buddy Mike, and I’m happy that I learned how to do Breath Hold, for it really does work!

I’m very happy that I forced myself to do Fluid Loading, which I didn’t think would work in the least, but it did!!! I’m very happy that I forced myself to leave the house with a full bladder as well. It works like a charm!!! It worked for me, and it WILL work for you too!

SO DON’T GIVE UP!

Don’t give in to suicide! Don’t, just DON’T!

Never let it win! You need to take control of your thoughts and your behaviors! You have to focus forward and make yourself walk the road to recovery!

It won’t be easy (I put it off for almost 2 years), but the path you’re on is not easy either! One path leads to destruction, the other leads to redemption… so change your route, change your mind, change your negative handcuffs!

Cry out for help if you need to!

Contact Me, I’ll do everything I can to assist and motivate! But above all else, believe in yourself… Believe with all of your heart that it will get better… For it always does!

Take tiny steps to start…

Baby steps… Little by little, inch by inch, and sooner or later you will get there!

For tomorrow is another day, a brighter day, and you will succeed!

I guarantee it!

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More Peeing Success!

We’re heading out to the local bar, and so I Fluid Load before hand.

We get there, and I make my way to the bathroom pronto.

I know I need to pee. I’ve actually had to pee for the last hour or so, so I should have no problems tonight…

I go in. It’s empty!

Now remember, this bathroom is TINY TINY, like the size of a broom closet. It only has 1 urinal and 1 stall. All in all, it’s about a 5 foot radius. Close quarters, no room to breath…

Plus, the urinal faces the wall directly next to the door (just an inch away). So anyone walking in, is practically in your face, looking right at you as they enter. You can’t avoid eye contact even if you tried. It’s all very unnerving!

Thankfully, all the times that I’ve ever gone in there and stood at that urinal, not a single guy has come in… which would scare the crap outta me no doubt!

I go up to the Urinal, Unzip, and Hold my Breath!

In about 20 seconds I begin to pee. I still continue to take in very slow and steady breaths, hold it, and exhale just to keep the flow going… just in case!

But, for the entire 3 minutes that I stood there peeing (like Niagara Falls), no one came in.

I was able to Pee, Wash, and Leave!

Success!

And as I exit the bathroom and start down the narrow hallway, I see at the other end, leaning against the wall, are 2 young guys (19-21?) chatting and waiting to be seated. They both look at me as I stroll by…

They could have easily come into the bathroom to pee. In fact, they could have BOTH come in to wizz at the same time (as many friends do)… And since there are only 2 spots available (unless you use the sink), one of them would have to stand directly behind me, breathing down my neck, waiting for me to finish…

My stomach drops just thinking about this…

But I’m happy that this didn’t happen. Who wants that awkwardness or embarrassment? Right?

Young guys always seem to intimidate me. All that testosterone and masculinity… It makes me wonder what really happened in my childhood to cause my Paruresis??? I don’t really know for sure. I seem to have blocked out a painful incident! It’s just a mystery to me

More Peeing Success!

Intimidating is what it is!

So while tonight was a great success, it’s all in the timing and luck!

Or is it?

I guess you can never live your life on “what ifs“…

I Peed! I Succeeded! End of story!

Right?

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