I’m laying in bed. It’s 5:30 a.m. I’m thinking about this trip so far and all that I’ve been through.
Let me recap some of my major accomplishments so you can understand where I’m coming from.
To me, these are HUGE!
- I’ve Peed on every single Public Bathroom trip (some more, some less)
- I haven’t had to use a Stall once!
- I haven’t had to rush back to the Hotel Room to Pee! (ever)
- I’ve drank lots of fluids when I’m out
- I’ve Peed in very busy Bathrooms
- I’ve not had to find a Single-User Bathroom to Pee in
- I’ve Peed in Urinals close to other Guys
- I’ve Peed with others Observing just feet away
- I’ve not had to wait for the Bathroom to Empty out to Pee
- I’ve Peed with Bathroom Attendants Cleaning
- I’ve Peed in Airports, on the Plane, and in the Casinos
- I’m no longer feeling so Terrified when I’m in Public and have to Pee
- My whole thought process is changing. I feel different inside!
And you know what…
The more I think about how I’m not using the stalls anymore (which I can’t even believe I’m saying), the more that I see that they were no help in the least!
In fact, I think they were making matters worse, for they continued the concept of privacy. Masking myself from the public so no one could see me. They were detrimental to my cause. I see that now.
I always felt anxious trying to find an empty stall. Looking under doors. Pushing on them to see if they’re locked. All while other guys are looking at me and watching me… “FREAK!“
All I wanted to do was to get in one and quickly lock the door behind me. Trap myself in. Vanish!
It heightened my fears and my condition. Especially if there were guys in the next stall. That would make me feel even more awkward! My feet were facing the wrong way and they could see that! They knew I was trying to pee. They knew I was standing there, frozen, quiet, not doing anything. And certainly not urinating!
It makes me realize that this was not the right way to approach things. You can’t pee this way (unless you have no other options). It was hurting me.
“Shhh, it’s a Secret!”
That was my brain trying to shelter me, protect me, keep me out of harms way.
It wasn’t working!
Urinals are Better!
Standing at the Urinal makes me feel different, bolder, more FREE!
Out in the open, where I have nothing to hide, I’m saying “THIS IS ME! I’M PEEING! SO WHAT?“
It’s Crazy, but it’s True!
And while I still have a harder time peeing when the urgency isn’t so strong, I still am going. And even if it takes me a couple of tries, it eventually does work!
Like my Breath Hold attempts. The last couple of times I felt locked up at first. And while Breath Hold did work, it only got a little pee to come out. It wasn’t what I would call a huge success.
Or was it?
Because Breath Hold actually DID help me!
It allowed the flow to begin (which is the hardest part). And once the stream rebooted, it brought back the sense of urgency that I was missing. It didn’t suppress it or squash it, it made me want to pee again. And that’s awesome!
And so minutes later, I was feeling the desire to urinate once more. I did want to go. And because of that, I DID GO!
Sometimes I went just a little more, sometimes I went all the way. But it got the stream moving again, and I appreciate that.
So YES, Breath Hold did help me immensely!
It helped me in the Airport! It helped me on the Plane! It allowed me to Pee in Public! I couldn’t have done so without it!
And I now know that with continuous visits to the restrooms, sooner or later, my anxiety will pretty much be gone. I can feel it slipping away.
Because things are changing in me. My thoughts, my attitudes, my behaviors…
I am looking at things in a whole new light.
I’m Not Handcuffed!
And I LOVE it!
It no longer scares me…
It makes me feel alive!