It’s day 32 in my Desensitization and Pee Shy Recovery!
One thing that I find interesting is the fact that I’m pretty picky when it comes to practicing.
Like for instance…
Yesterday I was in 4 Stores: Walgreens, Michaels, Krogers and Sam’s Club. And I could have gone into any one of them to practice desensitizing.
In fact, when we were at Walgreens, Mike (my pee buddy) even said to me:
“They have a Bathroom in Here!”
But the thing is, I live near this Walgreens (just a couple of houses away), and I know a lot of people in this neighborhood. So half the folks coming and going I recognize, and of course, they’ll recognize me.
“Oh Hi Richard!”
Which means, if I’m standing at the urinal for 3 minutes (looong minutes), I may run into people I know.
I would feel rather odd, ashamed, and embarrassed to meet there… They know I’m peeing! (or so it would seem) And, I think that they would see that I’m not actually peeing, I’m just pretending to pee… Even more Awkward!
My Paruresis seems to act up more when I’m around people I know. Or even the possibility that I may know them.
If they’re complete strangers, and I’ll never see them again, it doesn’t bother me as much.
But this close to home just seems uncomfortable and scary!
So what happens is, it makes me pickier on which public bathroom locations to enter and practice in.
And that’s not the only thing I’m Picky about:
- The bathroom is too close to home
- The bathroom is too small in size
- The bathroom has people waiting right outside the door
- The bathroom looks dirty
- The bathroom is too visible to people eating or watching
- There’s a line out the door
- The bathroom door is propped open
- They’re cleaning the bathroom
- The bathroom smells
- And the list goes on and on…
It’s crazy how many excuses I can come up with.
When it all comes down to this:
I’m too worried about what other people think!
That’s it! I’m obsessed with the notion that they are obsessed with me and what I’m doing.
Who can pee under all that pressure?
How did I get this way to begin with? It’s so ludicrous.
Other people don’t give a rat’s ass. They don’t care in the least.
But me, I jump at a spider, I lock up at the sound of footsteps… Oh no, the door is opening, I can hear laughter down the hall, it’s too quiet in here…
I drive myself insane with all of this!
So while I chew my nails and contemplate my mental breakdown, do know this: I’m obsessed with analyzing it as well!
(Like you didn’t know)
It’s constantly on my mind and in my thoughts. It affects every thing I do and every action I take.
Paruresis Consumes Me!
So there’s my rant. It is what it is.
I’m even picky at how I end this…
Maybe I’ll just hold my breath and hope it all goes away?
Or maybe that Breath Hold is just the ticket I need?
Paruresis makes me picky…
But why did it pick me?