Day Twelve in my Gradual Exposure Therapy with my Pee Buddy Mike is pretty much the same as Day 11.
Throughout the day, I pee at the toilet with Mike standing directly behind me, facing my back. And when I say directly, I mean it. There’s probably less than a foot that separates us.
It’s a small bathroom, so it’s perfect for that claustrophobic feeling.
I peed about ten times today (with Mike), and every time was a success!
Sometimes I begin peeing in just 30 seconds, other times it drags on to 2 or 3 minutes before a stream begins.
One time I peed, then Mike peed, and then I had to pee again. I credit that to holding it too long, trying to build up more of an urge.
I still find it hard to pee around Mike, I really dislike it, but I know it’s the only way to recover from Paruresis.
I must face my Fears!
Mike does a good job keeping me on my toes. I don’t know what to expect from him. One time he’s half asleep and yawning. Another time he’s playing with the lights, the sink, thumping his shoes against the counter…
I find when it’s noisy or we’re chatting it’s easier to go.
But when it’s dead silence, it’s a killer!
I really have to concentrate then and it always takes me much longer to pee.
But I do Pee!
That’s the important thing!
Me and Mike talk about how long I’ll need to desensitize. How long will it be before I feel comfortable peeing around Mike and other people?
Is it like a habit? 21 days?
Or will it take a lifetime to master?
How long do I keep inconveniencing Mike into being my Pee Buddy? How long will he put up with it?
And what will happen to me when I stop?
All good questions!
For now, I’m not thinking much about it, I’m just pushing forward as long as I can.
Tomorrow I think I’m going to switch things up. Try some harder things. Like having him face me while I pee, or at least face my profile where I’m more exposed.
Maybe I’ll even have him stand beside me and pee at the same time like we’re at a urinal.
I think those will be a challenge since just thinking about them scares me.
I wonder if I’ll be able to urinate?
But until I make things harder, I’ll never be able to move beyond this point I’m at.
So tomorrow will be more difficult…
Will I be ready for the challenge?