I know I’m heading out today, so I drink lots of water before I go.
16 oz of Water!
I chugged it down. And then about an hour later, I grabbed 2 more Bottles of Water (At Room Temperature – it makes chugging easier) and I’m out the door!
First Stop: The Mall
The Mall has been on my “Must Pee List” for quite a while. I Peed in the Mall just last week, but I happened to Pee in the Single-User Bathroom, and that didn’t help me Desensitize much. So today, I go to the other end of the Mall, where the real Bathrooms are.
I walk the long hallway once I get to the “Restroom” sign, and turn into the men’s room.
As I’m going in, 2 young guys are coming out. They both eye me. And, as always, I notice that I look down as I pass. I felt intimidated. Not cool!
I go in…
There are 4 Urinals and 1 Short Urinal, all of them Empty! Generally I would have taken the first or the last Urinal, but today, I did something more daring. I took Urinal #2.
I was a little nervous doing that even though I was the only one in there. The hallway was busy with people coming and going and it was just a matter of time…
I unzip and wait!
I know I really have to go, but it’s being a little Pee Shy.
So I hold my breath and concentrate on Peeing.
20 Seconds later, I Pee!
And I Pee, and I Pee! It felt soooo good!
And as I’m Peeing I can hear footsteps in the hall, and seconds later the door opens and a guy walks up to the 4th Urinal, and another guy walks up right next to me at Urinal #1.
I keep on Peeing!
They start Peeing. I’m just looking down ignoring it all…
I finally finish, flush, and walk away. The door opens up again and another guy enters, then another one…
But it didn’t matter, for I Peed and finished and I couldn’t be happier! :)
We shopped for 1/2 hour at the Mall and then we left and headed to a Local Grocery Store. I already had another urge to Pee (I Can Pee non-stop with Fluid Loading), and as we drove, I drank another bottle of water.
YUM! WATER! :)
We walk in, I turn left and go into the men’s room. I pass another guy on the way who looks at me and nods. I nod back. I don’t know why…
I go in…
There are 2 Urinals in here, and a Dude is Peeing in the Second Urinal. He glances at me as I come around the corner. I step up to Urinal #1, unzip and wait.
It’s awfully quiet in here. The only sound is the guy next to me Peeing. I try to calm myself, but I’m a little nervous. It’s easier to Pee when I’m already Peeing and guys come in… But when it’s the opposite, it’s much more difficult to begin.
I hold my breath…
And long about 20 seconds in, I start to Pee!
And by the time my stream picked up and went full steam, he finished, flushed and walked over to the sink.
I’m now Peeing like a Banshee!
He washes his hands and leaves. I keep Peeing like there’s no end in sight. There was, but it took me 2 minutes to get there.
I finally finish and leave.
And then, another 45 minutes later (and another bottle of water), I’m at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
K-Cup Coffee Time!
(I buy most of my K-Cups from them because they always send me coupons that don’t expire!)
As soon as I enter the Bathroom, I step up to the one and only Urinal. I’m alone in there, and in just seconds I start to Pee. And I Peed like a Fireman’s Hose. Full Strength!
I smiled at myself as I Pee thinking “I really do LOVE to Pee in Urinals!“
I can’t believe I would ever think that, but it’s true. I LOVE IT!
It sounds corny and stupid, but I’ve never been able to Pee in them my whole life. I was deprived! So it’s very cool to now be able to use them. It really is such a freeing feeling.
There’s a lot that I still need to work on, and I’m sure eventually I’ll tackle them. But right now, I’m pretty happy with my Paruresis Progress!
All I need is more practice and more time. And I got a lot of that!
I really can see myself a year down the Recovery Road being Totally Desensitized!
After all, my whole thought process is different. I still have my ups and downs, successes and failures, but I have way more successes than I do failures. And that’s something I can live with.
Anything is better than NOT Peeing!
Because that is just a living nightmare.
Ain’t nobody got time for that! :)