Today, I have a major break through.
It’s Day 62 in my Pee Shy Desensitization and I had one more bathroom to visit today (to meet my 3-a-Week Goal).
So, I visit Costco!
Even though I went into Costco’s Bathroom at the beginning of the week, on Sunday, it’s now the end of the week and time is running out for my pit stops. So I’ll take what I can get.
As we’re checking out (buying snacks for our New Years Party), I tell Mike “I’m going to the bathroom“.
On the way down the hall, I exhale 3/4 of the air in my lungs and hold it. I don’t have to pee, but I was hoping to hold it long enough to get to the gasping point. I have yet to do that in public.
I didn’t get Far
As soon as I get to the entrance and around the corner, I have to breath. :(
The good thing is, no one’s in the bathroom, and I have my choice of 3 urinals, or 2 stalls to desensitize in.
I pick the very first urinal so that everyone would have to walk by me. As I step up to the plate, I unzip, hold my breath again, and wait.
I glance at my watch and look at the seconds. I know that time can get distorted when you’re standing at the urinals. Seconds seem like an eternity.
I also knew that I was anxious, and I could feel my heart racing…
It’s so hard to hold your breath under these conditions (note to self: I need to learn Relaxation Techniques).
So I stand there and hold my breath. I know I need to hold it for at least 30 seconds before it starts to work. So I hold it, and hold it, and watch the hand slowly tick by… No one’s coming in yet.
I hold it for 20 Seconds
25… Then 30 Seconds…
And then… I felt like I could pee. It was weird because I didn’t have to go, but holding my breath long enough was making the external sphincter loosen and I knew that I was on the verge of peeing.
All I had to do was hold my breath for a couple of more seconds.
I kept holding.
35 Seconds. It’s right there…
And then it happened!
40 Seconds into my Breath Hold and I WAS PEEING!
I WAS PEEING AT THE URINAL IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM!
This is only the second time in my life that I can EVER recall peeing in a urinal. 2 times EVER!
The first time was just a month ago (Nov. 5th) here: I Peed in a Urinal!
WOW! This is Amazing!
This is the very first time that I’ve been able to hold my breath long enough in a public restroom for breath hold to work.
I really am floored!
As I stood there peeing (without even gasping for air afterwards), I felt so exhilarated. So alive. So relieved. I almost felt like crying.
It really can work.
I know there’s hope. I can get out of this living hell that I’m handcuffed in…
I finished, washed and was exiting as another guy entered.
I was so Happy and Joyous!
The interesting thing I also learned is that most bathrooms have a steady traffic flow, guys entering every couple of minutes or so. But, if you pee fast, like in and out in just a minute, then you’ll probably only encounter 1, maybe 2 guys at the most. That’s a low encounter rate.
Generally, before I started my Pee Shy Recovery, I would try to pee quietly in a stall and I’d be in there for ten minutes or more. I would hear lots of guys coming and going (thinking there were thousands of them) because I was in there so long.
So with breath hold, since it works pretty fast, I could actually get in and out of the bathroom in just a minute or so, and that my friends is awesome!
Not to mention…
I PEE’D AT A URINAL!
I’m so delighted. That’s big news for me. It lifts a huge weight off my shoulders, if only for a little while.
I can see this technique working. All I need is more practice and it could change my life.
I have to keep in mind though, there were NO guys in the bathroom at the time. Being busy could change things quickly.
But all in all, Breath Hold DID work, it WAS Successful!
I Peed in Public!
On the way home, I couldn’t keep talking about it with Mike (who was very happy for me). Since we had one more store to swing by, Krogers for French Onion Dip, I told Mike that I wanted to try Breath Hold again.
I’ve never been in the Kroger Bathroom so I didn’t know what to expect.
I would have never expected this…
I head into the bathroom (my 4th Bathroom Visit for the Week) and I see that it’s quite small. One of the smallest public bathrooms I’ve ever encountered that isn’t a single-user bathroom.
There’s only One Urinal and One Stall. And that’s it!
And of course, my timing is bad, there’s one guy at the urinal pissing.
I hesitated for a second, not knowing if I should just awkwardly wait behind him, or use the empty stall. I decide to head into the stall (that’s what any normal guy would do).
As I head in, I think to myself “This is a waste! A stall isn’t going to help me desensitize much!“
And so I do something extremely ballsy and brave. I’ve never done this before heading into a stall… I didn’t close the door after me. I left it wide open!
Anyone at anytime could walk in on me.
I step up to the toilet, hold my breath, and wait.
I found it much, much harder to hold my breath with another guy around. I was more stressed and anxious.
Plus, peeing in a toilet is louder than peeing in a urinal. You can’t mask the loud splashing noises, which means, when I pee, or IF I pee, he’ll hear every drop!
And, as I stood there, I also kept waiting for the bathroom door to open. No doubt someone would walk in, as I did, see someone at the urinal and head into the stall. I mean the door is wide open, they’ll think it’s empty!
“OOOPS! Sorry!” They’d Say!
(“Close the Fucking Door” They’d Think)
But I’m desensitizing. Leave me alone! HA!
The guy at the urinal flushes. I’m still struggling much harder at holding my breath. It’s not easy this time, not in the least. I feel so much weight on my chest.
The urinal guy leaves without washing his hands. Nice! (Don’t touch those Apples!) I think briefly that I should move over to the urinal, but that wouldn’t change things much. And, I’m here to practice Breath Hold more than anything. I stand my ground.
30 Seconds in, I’m having problems. I don’t know if it’s because I’m trying too hard. Putting too much pressure on myself. I feel tense, like I’m trying to force it.
So finally 45 Seconds in, I get to the point where my Sphincter loosens up and I get a little squirt of pee out. Actually 2 squirts. I pee just a bit, but then I had to gasp for air and it locked up again.
Doing breath hold in a bathroom with other guys is harder. This is where I need the practice. But, no matter, there is hope. I saw results!
I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and perfect it.
One day Paruresis will not run my life, nor ruin my life.
It will be a thing of the past.
One urinal at a time.