Some friends drop over Yesterday. We order Pizza, Play Games, and do a lot of Drinking! Yahooo!
Tom suddenly blurts out “I need to Pee!” (He proudly proclaims it to the World)
So he goes to the small bathroom next to the kitchen (where we all are seated), he shuts the door and within seconds he’s peeing really fast and really LOUD!
I’m looking around to see if anyone else notices, but no one does. Just me!
He pees fast and all the time I’m thinking to myself “I wish I could pee like that” (he pees like Mike does). I think about this and it makes me sad.
Why do I always have to compare myself to them?
It’s so Defeating!
It really is one of the biggest issues I face: Comparing myself to other guys.
It’s like a Slap in the Face!
I never feel like I’m equal to them. Never feel like I’m as masculine as them, or on par with them.
I always feel intimidated by men. I wasn’t the jock in school. I was the person the jock picked on. Made fun of. I was always last to be chosen when it came to sports. I was 98 lbs and all bone. I couldn’t throw. I couldn’t kick. I couldn’t climb. I felt useless and unwanted!
I was scrawny, had no muscles, and big buck teeth!
Oh, and BIG ears, as my Sister would tease.
So all my growing up years, I got bullied, laughed at, punched, pushed in the locker room, and it sank in. It hurt.
I got it at school, I got it at home…
My Dad would yell and verbally abuse me. Then he would grab his belt or use his hand and beat me down to the ground. He was relentless and cruel. I would cry for hours. He terrified me.
I didn’t have anyone on my side!
My Mom left us when I was just 13. I went through most of my childhood alone, scared and deemed “the odd ball“.
Kids would throw things at me on the bus. I would get pushed off the swings. I would get tripped in the halls. My childhood sucked! I blocked most of it out.
I never felt like I was man enough!
I was jealous and a loner!
Today, I still compare myself to other Men. I still don’t feel adequate (And this has nothing to do with Penis Size, that’s fine! But I was embarrassed because I was uncircumcised). I always feel “Less“, like I’m not good enough. Worthless!
It’s no wonder that I’m shy. I can’t pee like them. I don’t even feel like I should be in the same room as them. I’m a different class.
Even now I feel like they’ll laugh and point and call me names.
It’s amazing how my childhood memories (nightmares) still haunt me. They affect who I am and how I feel today.
I know this, because when I’m around a bunch of younger guys, I feel very timid inside. I feel like disappearing, hiding, crawling back into my shell. I still feel like they’re looking at me and making fun of me.
Will it ever end?
Just because I was skinny and couldn’t defend myself, does that give everyone the right to demean me? Treat me like I’m nobody? A Nothing?
It’s kind of scary to think about. And I’m surprised that I turned out as well as I did. Because my life did suck!
Getting thrown across the yard by your drunk Dad and landing on your back on the wooden sandbox was not a happy experience.
Having red welts and bruises on my ass from the leather belt was no walk in the park.
I didn’t think I was a bad kid. And even though I got straight A’s in school, I was always getting in trouble. My Sister loved to tattle on me. I don’t remember much from my younger years. It really is just a big, black, blur.
But I do know that I never felt whole. I was always the toothpick boy. The skinny runt who was an easy target.
The Butt of every Joke!
I did try though. I still try now to overcome my past and change the way I feel. I try to make people like me, admire me, look up to me. I try to be a good person and to set a good example. But life isn’t always fair. There are no set rules. You have to play the hand you were dealt. And I was dealt a shitty hand.
I wasn’t a manly man. I am better now. I try not to worry about it so much, but I still want to compare myself. I still wish I could be them.
When I hear someone peeing loud and quick, I still think to myself “I want to pee like that!“
Because the image of a “man” in my head, is not a picture of myself.
“Why don’t I belong?“
This is what causes my anxiety in bathrooms. The real men will know that I don’t fit in. I’ve entered into the lion’s den.
It’s so difficult NOT to compare!
Can you ever Change your Perception of Man?
One that includes me?
Because I AM a Man! I DO belong! I know it.
I am not that scrawny little buck-toothed kid anymore. I deserve equal treatment. Don’t I?
I deserve to step up to that urinal and pee just like the rest of them.
Not feel scrutinized!
I need to quit comparing myself for it does me no good. I am NOT them! They are NOT me!
I need to look at myself and love myself for who I am.
My childhood is gone.
My Dad is Dead!
The bullies are probably Dumb and Fat.
See, I am better than them!
There is no comparison!
I Do Belong!
I really, really do!