I really thought that after my Dad died, my Paruresis Handcuffs would come off.
I’ve felt handcuffed by him my whole life.
I was Scared of him!
I was intimidated by him. Belittled by him. Beaten by him. Broken!!!
I really feel that much of the way I am today is because of him.
He made me very shy, timid, reserved. A guy who doesn’t like confrontation. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone. I don’t like social events. I feel very awkward at them. It terrifies me being around so many people. I always feel like I’m being laughed at or made fun of.
I truly believe that once my Dad passed away I’d be free.
I was Wrong!
I’m still shy and timid and afraid to pee in front of others.
I’m still handcuffed by him, and you know what drives me crazy?
I still see him
I still see my father years after he died a horrible death (Lung Cancer).
I see him at the grocery store. I see him at the mall. I look up at the restaurant and there he is. Haunting me. His likeness is everywhere.
I turn the corner and see someone who looks just like him, and for an instance I panic and I think “That’s Dad!“… and my heart races…
But it’s NOT!
It’s only someone with a beard that looks like him. That’s all!
My handcuffs live on. Will I be bound to these contraptions my whole life?
Can’t I break out of this shell and finally get some back bone? (And some Sanity?)
Or will my father still yell at me?
I don’t ever remember Dad taking me to the restroom when I was little. Isn’t that odd?
All I remember is the bad stuff. The stuff that makes me a Paruretic.
I remember getting yelled at and spanked. I remember him saying “Don’t Pee your Pants!“
I was not very old. But right away he taught me something that I can’t get rid of “Don’t Pee!“
Hold in your Urine
It’s humiliating to pee in public. He taught me that.
He taught me how to be a Paruretic.
It seems he taught me all too well.
I’ve worn these stupid handcuffs for over 30 years.
I only wish I had one last opportunity to ask him…
“Where’s the Key?“