Paruresis Handcuffs for Life

I really thought that after my Dad died, my Paruresis Handcuffs would come off.

I’ve felt handcuffed by him my whole life.

I was Scared of him!

I was intimidated by him. Belittled by him. Beaten by him. Broken!!!

I really feel that much of the way I am today is because of him.

He made me very shy, timid, reserved. A guy who doesn’t like confrontation. I am an introvert. I prefer to be alone. I don’t like social events. I feel very awkward at them. It terrifies me being around so many people. I always feel like I’m being laughed at or made fun of.

I truly believe that once my Dad passed away I’d be free.

I was Wrong!

Paruresis Handcuffs

Nothing’s changed!

I’m still shy and timid and afraid to pee in front of others.

I’m still handcuffed by him, and you know what drives me crazy?

I still see him

I still see my father years after he died a horrible death (Lung Cancer).

I see him at the grocery store. I see him at the mall. I look up at the restaurant and there he is. Haunting me. His likeness is everywhere.

I turn the corner and see someone who looks just like him, and for an instance I panic and I think “That’s Dad!“… and my heart races…

But it’s NOT!

He’s Dead!

It’s only someone with a beard that looks like him. That’s all!

My handcuffs live on. Will I be bound to these contraptions my whole life?

Can’t I break out of this shell and finally get some back bone? (And some Sanity?)

Or will my father still yell at me?

I don’t ever remember Dad taking me to the restroom when I was little. Isn’t that odd?

Never once!

All I remember is the bad stuff. The stuff that makes me a Paruretic.

I remember getting yelled at and spanked. I remember him saying “Don’t Pee your Pants!

I was not very old. But right away he taught me something that I can’t get rid of “Don’t Pee!

Hold in your Urine

It’s humiliating to pee in public. He taught me that.

He taught me how to be a Paruretic.

It seems he taught me all too well.

I’ve worn these stupid handcuffs for over 30 years.

I only wish I had one last opportunity to ask him…

Where’s the Key?

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