Am I Recovering?

I like to think that I’m slowly recovering from Paruresis.

After all, I’ve been doing all sorts of things that would lead one to believe I am:

  • I’ve been working with a Pee Buddy (Mike) for 35 Days now
  • I’ve been forcing myself to Desensitize in Public Bathrooms
  • I’ve gotten to the point where my Pee Buddy is standing directly behind me as I pee (Inches away – at Home)
  • I’ve been practicing Breath Hold Techniques with various results
  • I’ve been able to pee in a urinal for the first time in my life (just a couple of weeks ago)

Am I Recovering from Paruresis?

So I ask you…

Am I Recovering?

Let me take a step back and analyze this more:

  • I still CAN’T pee normally at a urinal (that ONE time was a fluke, it wasn’t busy, no one came in)
  • I am very hit or miss with Breath Hold. I still feel like I don’t quite fully understand it. Something’s missing
  • I can pee with my Pee Buddy behind me, but haven’t gotten up the courage to have him stand next to me (like we’re at urinals)

So am I really Curing Myself?

Granted, I have gone into more public bathrooms in the last 2 weeks than I have probably all year.

So that should account for something!

And I am peeing in front of someone, I would have never imagined that 2 months ago.

So I am making some progress!

But when will I be able to really pee in a urinal in a busy restroom? I still wonder if that’s even feasible.

How long does this Recovery take?

I understand it’s a lifetime of fears and phobias that I need to sort out, but is it fool proof? Is there a chance that it won’t work and it will never work on me?

Am I the Fool?

When will I know? Will it just happen? Will it all just click into place and “Poof” I’m peeing?

It’s such a tough, uncertain road I’m taking. It took me 18 months just to get enough courage to begin.

And now that I’ve begun how do I know that I’m even on the right path?

Am I desensitizing myself enough where eventually it will work? Is there any proof in that? Or am I just wasting my time, and my bladder shall remain locked for life?

Questions Questions!

I wish I had the Answers!

What’s next? What do I do?

Continue doing everything that I’m doing and hope that a month down the road things will change? I actually don’t feel like I’ve got a choice in the matter. After all, I’ve come this far. It’s too late to back down now.

I want to recover and the only way to do that is to keep moving forward.

So chin up. Keep practicing. It will get better…

It has to!

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