I like to think that I’m slowly recovering from Paruresis.
After all, I’ve been doing all sorts of things that would lead one to believe I am:
- I’ve been working with a Pee Buddy (Mike) for 35 Days now
- I’ve been forcing myself to Desensitize in Public Bathrooms
- I’ve gotten to the point where my Pee Buddy is standing directly behind me as I pee (Inches away – at Home)
- I’ve been practicing Breath Hold Techniques with various results
- I’ve been able to pee in a urinal for the first time in my life (just a couple of weeks ago)
So I ask you…
Am I Recovering?
Let me take a step back and analyze this more:
- I still CAN’T pee normally at a urinal (that ONE time was a fluke, it wasn’t busy, no one came in)
- I am very hit or miss with Breath Hold. I still feel like I don’t quite fully understand it. Something’s missing
- I can pee with my Pee Buddy behind me, but haven’t gotten up the courage to have him stand next to me (like we’re at urinals)
So am I really Curing Myself?
Granted, I have gone into more public bathrooms in the last 2 weeks than I have probably all year.
So that should account for something!
And I am peeing in front of someone, I would have never imagined that 2 months ago.
So I am making some progress!
But when will I be able to really pee in a urinal in a busy restroom? I still wonder if that’s even feasible.
How long does this Recovery take?
I understand it’s a lifetime of fears and phobias that I need to sort out, but is it fool proof? Is there a chance that it won’t work and it will never work on me?
Am I the Fool?
When will I know? Will it just happen? Will it all just click into place and “Poof” I’m peeing?
It’s such a tough, uncertain road I’m taking. It took me 18 months just to get enough courage to begin.
And now that I’ve begun how do I know that I’m even on the right path?
Am I desensitizing myself enough where eventually it will work? Is there any proof in that? Or am I just wasting my time, and my bladder shall remain locked for life?
I wish I had the Answers!
What’s next? What do I do?
Continue doing everything that I’m doing and hope that a month down the road things will change? I actually don’t feel like I’ve got a choice in the matter. After all, I’ve come this far. It’s too late to back down now.
I want to recover and the only way to do that is to keep moving forward.
So chin up. Keep practicing. It will get better…
It has to!