This is funny. I really contemplated not putting this online, I mean, it’s EMBARRASSING and I look crazy! For real!
But then I thought, I’ve already admitted being Pee Shy to the World, and that’s about as embarrassing as you can get.
So why not just open up and be totally Honest?
Spill ALL the beans?
Let everyone see who I really am… Like it or not.
Granted, I feel most people are weird in their own way. No one is entirely normal. I’m certainly not. So read and weep…
Sometimes I think my whole life is screwed up. I mean, nothing about me seems right. I have so many issues (call the shrink, grab a straight jacket, you’ll need it).
You see, Paruresis has had a hold on me for as long as I can remember. But that’s not my only quirk. I’m going to admit some crazy stuff here.
So let’s begin…
I Warned you!
I Bite my Nails Constantly!
I chew them down to a pulp. They often bleed. You should see me try to remove scotch tape… lol. I’ve chewed my nails since the 6th grade. I believe there’s only been about 7 times in my entire life that I’ve let them grow out for a month or so, but then something happens that makes me tense, anxious or nervous and I chew them off again. :(
It’s a horrible habit that I’d love to stop! I’ve tried every product there is. Most items, like No-Bite, just puts a Nasty Bitter Flavor coating over your nails. It’s supposed to prevent you from chewing. It doesn’t work. I still chew them even though my lips burn. HA!
I Love to Pace
I can’t sit still. Especially when I talk on the phone. I have to pace. I often go in circles around my kitchen. I have a large kitchen with a center counter island. The tile floors create a pattern around that island… I walk that pattern. NON-STOP! I go around and around, making sure when I walk I step directly onto the tile itself and not on the cracks! I know… that’s Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I have it! I see it rear its ugly head all the time…
You Put your Left Foot in…
When I sit to watch a movie… I have to shake my foot. It bounces up and down and I don’t even know I’m doing it. My friends tell me to quit shaking the couch, lol, but I can’t stop it. It just happens.
Tag, you’re IT!
Scratchy Tags on Shirts, Shorts, Pants, Underwear, I HATE them! They scratch the heck out of me and I have to cut each and every tag off before I can wear them. Why can’t they all be like Hanes?
Crazy way of Sleeping
I’m not the only one obsessed with the way I sleep. I talk about it with my friends all the time and we laugh our asses off. But me, I can only sleep with One Blanket, One Pillow (a very, very flat Pillow at that) and NO Top Sheet! Then, I have to fluff up that Pillow just right and tilt my head back (I have a crazy fear of not being able to breath). Then I have to prop one leg up and the other leg sticks out of the blanket (it’s a mix of hot and cold). That’s nuts! hahahaaha
Hot and Cold
Speaking of Hot and Cold… When I eat Hot Foods, I can’t drink Hot Liquids! I have to drink Cold!
I get the Hiccups!
If I eat any kind of Crackers, Bread, Rolls, Sandwich, without drinking something, I’ll get the hiccups. No doubt!
In fact, sometimes I get the hiccups and they won’t leave me. I remember one vacation in Rome where I got the hiccups from a dry roll on the Plane and it gave me the hiccups for 3 full days! NO LIE! It was pretty scary. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I hiccuped for 3 days and everyone kept looking at me funny. It was not only aggravating, but embarrassing and very uncomfortable. The only time I stopped hiccuping was when I would lie down (resting or sleeping). That’s insane!
It happened once again just 3 years ago. I got the hiccups and I could not get rid of them. I tried every trick in the book: Holding my Breath, Breathing in a Bag, Holding my Arms over my Head, Drinking lots of Liquids, Getting Scared… Nothing worked! Let’s hope I never get them again… Sheesh!
11, 12, 13…
I Count Steps! As I go up or down stairs, pretty much no matter where I am, I like to count the amount of steps (I don’t like it if it ends up odd).
My Lip Twitches
When I’m in a confrontational situation, my lip twitches uncontrollably. It never does it any other time, just when someone’s in my face… I believe it’s because of my Dad yelling at me as a kid. He scared the crap outta me…
I Pee in every Bathroom in the House
When I Pee before I leave the house, I’ll Pee in one bathroom, and then I’ll Pee again in the other bathroom (I usually have to Pee 2-3 times before I leave the house). I alternate between the bathrooms. I don’t like to Pee in the same bathroom twice.
I can’t turn the ceiling fan on. Well, I can, but it dries out my eyes and mouth. :/
The Dot is staring at me
When I’m watching TV, there’s this little red light (next to the power button) on the bottom center of the TV. It distracts me. All I see is that bright red dot… So I have to prop my feet up on the Ottoman so it covers up my line of vision and I don’t see it anymore.
WOW, am I really this messed up?
And I have even more issues…
I See Ghosts!
Okay, I don’t really SEE Ghosts, but I do feel like one visits me every now and then. When I’m sleeping in my bed late at night, I’ll feel the edge of the bed sink down, like someone just sat on it. That indentation terrifies me. I believe it’s the ghost of my Grandma or Grandpa. I might really be wacko, but it’s happened to me about 20 times in the past. Something’s there!
Should I keep going? Or have you had enough?
And you thought I just had Shy Bladder Problems…
This one seems pretty simple, since Paruresis is a Social Phobia, but I DO have a fear of crowds. More like walking into an unfamiliar group of people and having them all turn and look at me. It’s because I’m always wondering what they’re thinking about me and it makes me anxious. I’ve always felt like I don’t fit in or belong. I’m an outcast! (I’m now chewing my nails as I write this)
All this stems from my Childhood!
I do feel like it all began with my Alcoholic Dad who Beat me. I like to blame it on him and say he’s the reason… But you know what? He’s not. I AM!
I control my life and the path I walk on. I can change it’s course at any time.
Recovering from Paruresis can alter so many aspects of my life. It can help me break down some of the walls that I have built up. It could make me feel free again.
It’s a Start at least!
(I really can’t believe I’m going to put this online)
You know, there were 13 steps that led up to my attic room as a kid.
My Dad would often come up those steps drunk and yell at me. He smelled of Budweiser and stale Cigarettes.
I can still hear him today (although he died in 2008 from Lung Cancer).
All I want is a freedom from my past. I have way too many ghosts that haunt me.
Will I ever be free?
What about you?
What’s your beef?