Two steps forward, 18 steps back!
I peed 6 times today successfully with my best friend and Pee Buddy Mike as he stood behind me at the toilet.
Just like the last 2 days back from vacation (and the 3 days prior to vacation), they went smooth and perfect with no set backs.
Granted, some pees took longer than others, but that eternity in reality it’s just a minute or two. Nothing big.
In fact, that’s normal for me with or without a pee buddy.
Then supper comes along. It’s 7pm and I’m sautéing Onions and Mushrooms in a skillet while Mike is grilling Chicken…
I need to Pee!
I tell Mike I need to pee and he says “Pee fast so you don’t burn the Onions!“
I should have known right then that I’d have problems. That’s the one thing that blocks me up the most… Peeing under pressure!
If there are time restrictions, people waiting, if I have to rush, it heightens my anxiety and locks me up for good.
I try to go. I’m standing there. Mike’s behind me. A minute goes by. I can hear the Onions frying…
I try to concentrate. I know I need to pee fast and get out so I can stir the veggies…
Time Ticks By
1 1/2 minutes…
I’m even more anxious now because I’m taking too long. I tell Mike to leave and stir the Onions and come back. He goes for a second. I stand there alone and try to relax and deep breath. Loosen myself up.
“PEE PEE PEE” I tell myself
Mike comes back and resumes his spot on the sink. Another minute goes by. I still can’t go.
I can hear the Onions frying and the smell of the Chicken (which needs turning…)
I’m standing there locked and anxious.
Finally at 4 minutes, I give up!
I’m very mad and frustrated with myself. I surrendered to my Paruresis and left the bathroom depressed. Why did this happen now? Especially so far into my recovery?
I’ve peed like this 40 times before and now I’m locked up?
Nothing’s different either. I feel comfortable around Mike. I have no reason in the world not to pee…
Except for the burning food!
All I wanted to do is to pee like a normal man. It’s the stupidest thing in the world. I feel like such a failure.
I hate it. I hate myself.
Will I ever progress?
We eat supper. I’m still very upset with myself. I’m even more upset because my bladder is screaming and I’m uncomfortable, but yet feel I can’t go.
I let two hours pass before I make another attempt.
I tell Mike that I’ll try again (back choice of words) and he sits behind me patiently. I took my iPhone in with me and set it on the back of the toilet and set the timer…
I watch as I stand there and see the numbers go higher and higher.
I still can’t pee.
Now I’m trying to analyze it. Time restraints kept me from peeing earlier, and now because of that failure I feel anxious that I’ll fail again, which is in effect making me fail!
“Why can’t I go?” I say to Mike.
“Because you’re reading too much into it”
I finally give up AGAIN!
What’s happened to me?
Why am I back tracking?
I shouldn’t be. There is no reason to be. I just don’t get it.
I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I had success after success before. I even peed 6 times this morning without a hitch. But now…
It’s two failures in a row. That’s quite a bump.
It scares me!
Just when I thought I was ready to move onto harder things, I’m now worried about falling backward.
Here’s hoping that this stumble is just a temporary thing and I’ll be back on track in the morning.
Because failing sucks!
I don’t want to fail.