Back in February I went on my 4th Vacation to Hawaii (Maui). My plan is to one day live there. I love it…
Well, this last trip filled me with a fear that I had never known before. The second I entered this new Condo it overwhelmed me. I can’t believe I made it out alive.
You see, me and 5 other of my best friends all decided to rent out this 3 Bedroom, 3 Bathroom Condo that sits right on the beach.
Each bedroom has 2 queen sized beds, plus they all had their own bathroom. It sounded like a dream come true. Until I stepped foot in the condo…
We had already decided who we were going to share rooms with, and I got Mike. Which is fine with me because Mike is the only person I have opened up to about Paruresis. He doesn’t get it, but he understands. He gives me a heads up about bathrooms in restaurants or public places… “You won’t like that bathroom” or “You can pee in there“. It tends to help. A lot!
But as soon as we get there, people scatter. Two of my friends go to the front, two go to the back, and all claim their rooms. Me and Mike end up with the room in the center of the condo.
Doesn’t sound like a biggie, but it is.
It’s directly across from the open Kitchen!
Just 5 feet away…
The thing that I first notice is that the bathroom has two doors. One in the hallway, the opposite one leading into the bedroom. My anxiety raises. You have to walk through the bathroom to get to the bedroom, and it’s so close to the kitchen and hall that anybody can hear you.
It is in the center of the condo after all. High traffic area!
Within minutes of stepping into the condo, I need to do one thing: PEE!
I’ve gone 6 hours without peeing (Airport & Flight) and I need to go, and I need to go NOW!
I step into the bathroom and close the door. It’s a wobbly wicker door with wooden slats that doesn’t close very well.
I have to push it hard a couple of times and the bolt barely catches. I’m sure that everyone is now aware that I’m in the bathroom. Thanks for drawing attention!
I close the door and freeze. I can see people walking by through the cracks in the slats… AND…
There is NO lock on the Door!
OH NO! Are you kidding me?
I stand there for minutes not knowing what to do.
Anyone could just walk right in on me taking a pee. They could probably just accidentally bump the door and it would open.
And who knows where Mike is, he may bolt in and throw the door wide open.
I take some deep, deep breaths. I can hear everyone in the kitchen now just feet away. They’re checking out the cupboards and fridge and deciding what they need to buy. Doors are opening and closing loudly. I feel unnerved!
I finally walk over to the toilet and lift the lid.
It’s a small bowl with very little room on the sides to pee. For the last year I’ve been peeing directly in the water making noises, but now I feel like peeing on the side to quiet my fear.
But there is no room on the side. I’ll have to make noise and I’m sure it will be noticeable.
I close my eyes and try not to think about my friends. I can hear them opening up doors in the condo and saying “What’s in here?” It makes my heart race.
I hear one of them saying “I wonder where the Washer and Dryer is?”
I glance at the door as I hear someone walking by. They are opening the door in the hall “I found the Water Heater”.
I hear them move from room to room, you can hear everything in this condo. “The website said there was a Washer in here!“
I glance at the door again and something catches my eye. Behind the door is a little closet. In the closet is the Washer and Dryer.
Great! My heart sinks!
This means that everyone and their brother will be coming and going in this bathroom all week. FUCK!
I finally start to pee. I pee as quietly as I can.
After what seemed like an eternity, I finally finish and flush (knowing I’ll probably have to go again in ten minutes).
I wash up, open the door and show everyone the Washer and Dryer.
Mike goes in to pee after giving me a weird look like ‘What took you so long?‘
And then shortly later (he pees in seconds) we’re unpacking and settling in the bedroom.
I tell him there’s no lock on the door. He just looks at me and shrugs.
Why did I have to get stuck in the center bathroom? Everyone else is in a bedroom in the far corners of the condo. Their bathroom is behind their room and they have real doors and real privacy. Why me? I get the busy kitchen and the amenities. SIGH! How am I supposed to deal with this?
But you know what? It gets worse…
That night as we’re getting ready for bed, I go into the bathroom to pee. Some friends are still sitting around the kitchen bar drinking, and I shut the door saying “Goodnight” to them.
Then I go to the inner door and see that it’s a sliding door, held on by a rail at the top. The whole bottom swings free. It has no latch. No lock. And you can push the door in even when it’s closed. Not cool!
Mike is already stretched out on his bed. I see him watching me as I inspect the rolling door of doom. I close it and see that it leaves huge gaps all around the perimeter. And because the wind is blowing in the room, it pushes the bathroom door in so you can see inside. You can see the toilet and me with wide eyes and terror in my heart.
The gap must be at least 6″ or more.
I feel totally open and vulnerable.
I felt like Crying!
So much panic fills me. Neither door on this bathroom works or locks. There is zero privacy, and people are just feet away listening…
I seriously never thought I’d make it through one night, let alone ten days.
It was the worst nightmare of my life. The worst possible bathroom any Paruretic could use.
The only way I could use that bathroom was to awkwardly angle my body and prop my foot up against the door as I peed.
As if it wasn’t hard enough to pee.
Don’t ask me how I made it through the rest of the vacation. It was extremely trying.
All in all we did have a blast. We are in Hawaii after all. But when it came to bathroom time, that hit an all time low.
We had cook outs, bonfires, we watched the Turtles, we collected Sea Glass, we saw some beautiful Humpback Whales… And someone I got through it. I didn’t die. It was the longest vacation of my life though. One I’d rather not duplicate.
I know one thing, I would never, ever go back to that particular condo again.
Yes my friends did come and go in the laundry room, but I got lucky. No once in ten days did anyone ever walk in on me.
I also found out another thing…
I’m not the only one with bathroom problems.
After a long night of drinking, one of my other friends got up in the middle of the night to pee…
And peed in the sink!
Now why didn’t I think of that? ;)