An Interesting Week

This week has been a weird week indeed.

I don’t really feel good, nor bad about it. It just is!

It started off with me and my pee buddy Mike, going to the local restaurant. I Fluid Load before I go (a bottle of water), and long about an hour into our meal, I venture into the bathroom.

Now I don’t have a gigantic urgency to pee, but I try anyways…

I wander in, it’s empty!

There are 2 urinals and 2 stalls in here.

An Interesting Week in Paruresis Recovery!

I step up to the first urinal, unzip, and wait.

I can tell I’m on high alert!

It’s a very busy restaurant, and I know chances are good that someone will walk in on me…

I decide to hold my breath, for I can tell that I’m having some problems…

I hold my breath about 30 seconds…

Then 40.

And FINALLY I begin to pee!

It’s slow to start, but finally picks up steam.

I was able to pee and fully empty my bladder and not a single soul came in.

SWEET!

That is something I really need to work on… People barging in.

I find I can pee at the urinal when the bathroom is empty, but when guys come and go, it’s more difficult and can often lock me up for a bit.

So that’s high on my priority list of “Must Work-On“!

The rest of the week has been odd!

I’ve had 3 huge opportunities to desensitize in public bathrooms, but I’ve passed on every single one of them.

One was at the movies, once at a local theater, and once at a charity event.

3 chances, and NO bathroom visits!

:(

Granted, I didn’t Fluid Load before these events, and I didn’t leave the house with a full bladder either. But, I could have at least walked into the bathroom to pretend! Right?

I know I should have…

I know I could have…

Except, I will say that the line at the theater intermission was out the door, across the lobby, and even out the next set of doors. It was LONG!

Granted, it moved fast, Mike went through the line in about 8 minutes, but it was a little too much for me to handle. All that pressure just to stand there and practice didn’t seem fitting.

So what does this week mean to me?

Nothing!

I’m no longer trying to focus on the importance of going or forcing myself to go in public. I’m now trying to let it happen more naturally. Not to always Fluid Load. Not to force myself to pee every 20 minutes or so…

In other words, I’m going when I feel like going.

I’m not dwelling on it!

I don’t want it to consume my every waking action anymore…

Sure, I’ll probably still practice Fluid Loading since it seems to work well for me, but not to the point where it kills me.

I’m going to listen to my body… I don’t want to dehydrate myself ever again, so I’ll drink wherever I go. I so feel for the most part, this is working. It feels right.

Now all I need is more time and experience.

And I have an entire future for that! :)

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