Recovering from Paruresis is an every day battle.
My entire being wants to fight with my inner feelings and behavior.
It wants to break me down and take the easy route.
The Path of Least Resistance!
I struggle with this conflict every second of the day. While I feel like I’m making massive progress, my internal fight adds fuel to the fire.
It wants me to quit. Give up. Go back to how things used to be. Go back to the safe way. The comfortable way. The way back into my Pee Shy Closet!
It’s amazing how much resistance it gives me
Every time I ask my Pee Buddy to stand as I pee, I struggle with it. I struggle before asking him, as soon as the urge to urinate begins. I struggle with asking (even feel myself wanting to delay it). I have to really force myself to confront it. Go through the motions and tackle this beast that holds me prisoner.
My Paruresis wants to roll over and I hear it whisper “You don’t need Mike. You’ve peed plenty of times with him standing there. You’ve mastered it. Practice is over. Take the easy route. Just go to the bathroom and pee without him. You’ll pee faster. It will be safe and secure. You’ll feel no anxiety what so ever…”
“Why go through all the fuss?” it screams!
Is it really worth it?
And I have to close my eyes and keep saying “YES! YES! YES!“
Fighting this urge to slack off and go back to my old ways is fighting avoidance.
I want to avoid all things difficult and uncomfortable. This is why I MUST persist!
I’ve been doing really good so far. It’s been four days and I can’t believe all that I’ve accomplished.
But I must NOT give in!
I must not give up. I must forge forward and keep putting myself in discomfort. I must battle my demons and stand proud each and every time. That’s the only way to WIN! That’s the only way this will start to feel second nature.
When your brain yells “NO“, and says “ENOUGH“, you need to push harder and say “YES” “I WILL ACCOMPLISH MY GOAL!“
If you want to pee at a urinal someday with other guys around… There’s only one way you can do this: Keep moving forward. Keep focused and keep your eyes on the target.
And what ever you do…