I’ve been re-reading my Books on Paruresis, and I came across a line that sticks in my brain.
It comes from Pee Shy to Pee Free on page 62, and it says something like this:
I am afflicted with Paruresis, and that’s that. Move on!
Accepting and moving on is a very difficult thing to accomplish.
I’ve been stuck in the “Why Me?” mode forever. I beat myself up about it all the time. Accepting who I am, and that I do have this disorder (however I got it), and leaving it at that, is quite painful indeed.
I do think it would be easier if I knew where it began, how it started, why…
Was I bullied? Was I picked on in the locker rooms?
Was it my drunk Dad yelling and beating me? Was it my Mom embarrassing me with my pants down in the corner?
What Was it?
I feel if I knew where it all started I’d have a better fighting chance at fixing it.
But then, that’s probably a lie too… A distraction from the real problem.
I’m still in Denial!
I don’t want to accept it (won’t that make it go away?) I don’t want to accept myself, hence, I’ll probably never get over and move on from this point. And that scares me!
But am I accepting it?
I’m certainly taking actions and steps and recovering slowly but surely.
Isn’t this acceptance?
Or is it just another question mark on my life?
How do you Accept it?
Stand proud and say to the world “I have Paruresis!“
Isn’t that what I did with my Best Friend, who’s now my Pee Buddy?
Isn’t that what I’m doing with this blog?
I have come to terms with it. I know what it is and what I have to do.
That I do Accept!
But it’s hard. I want to get mad at myself and my condition. I want to scream “unfair” and crawl back in my shell. But I can’t!
Because I am facing my fears. I have opened up about being Pee Shy. I am peeing in front of strangers. I am forcing myself to desensitize in the Public Bathrooms…
I’ve accepted the fact that I have this Social Phobia, and am allowing myself to recover from it. I know I may never fully understand it’s origins.
But no matter…
That’s a lifetime away. What I’ve got to deal with is here and now. Finding a way out!
Little by little I’m getting there. Breath Hold seems helpful, and if I keep entering Restrooms to squash my dread, then I should eventually be able to move on and find some resolve in this crippling shyness.
A cure? No! But Recovery, Yes!
That is something I can accept!