Back on track.
I’ve peed two times today so far, with Mike standing right behind me in the bathroom (facing the mirror). It took me a minute or two to go, but I peed! :)
I realize that my Paruresis is all over the board. One time I pee quickly, another time I pee more slowly, and some times I may not ever pee (like last night).
What I also realize is that this is a controlled environment. I know what my bathroom situation is like. I know my friend Mike. I tell him exactly where to stand and what to do. It’s all very controlled.
In a real public bathroom, it’s far from that.
You never know what you’ll find in the restroom. Empty. Full. Someone in the Stall. Someone in the Center Urinal. Busy. Slow. Loud Noises. Quiet as a Mouse. Janitors Cleaning. Distracting Conversations. Smells. Plugged Toilets. Open Doors… It’s endless what you may encounter just stepping foot in the john. It’s out of your control!
So it’s easy to see and think that peeing in a restroom with other unpredictable sights and sounds may prove more difficult than it seems.
One can only imagine!
I’ll take that road when I get to it…
For now, I’ll keep on practicing at home. I would have never imagined I’d be peeing in a bathroom with someone else behind me, literally back to back. EVER!
So THAT is a HUGE accomplishment!
I just have to keep focused and stay on track (even after derailments). I only have a lifetime of feelings and behaviors to modify. Nothing big, eh?
I’ve peed several more times today with Mike standing near. One time it took me 2 minutes to begin a stream, the next only 10 seconds. I can’t explain it.
Will I ever?
I’ve been thinking more and more about my upcoming vacation to Hawaii. We leave Thursday (in just 5 days).
I love love love Hawaii (actually going to Kauai – one of the more remote islands away from the Big Island). I love everything about these paradise places. Everything except the dreaded Airport and Airplane…
Those wreak havoc on a Paruretic!
I’m hoping that the desensitization (Gradual Exposure Therapy) that I’m doing at home will allow me to at least pee in a stall in the restrooms and to be able to pee in those little claustrophobic plastic porta-potties on the plane.
That would be sweet!
I don’t see how I couldn’t pee a little easier in them. After all, I will have more privacy peeing than I have in the last week. It sounds very plausible.
Peeing with no one watching should come as a huge relief to me. I’m hoping for no problems whatsoever.
(As long as I force myself to enter the restrooms in the first place)
Plus, once in the condo, I’ll actually have my own private bedroom and bathroom. SCORE!
3 of my other friends are going, Mike being one of them, the other two have no idea I’m Pee Shy, but it should be a pretty fun trip.
I’m looking forward to it and crossing my fingers big time.
After a couple of more successful urination attempts, I decide to make it more difficult. I had Mike stand directly behind me in the small bathroom and FACE the back of my head (like he was waiting in line).
I could feel his eyes bore into me, and practically could feel the breath on the back of my neck.
I tried to Pee
Minutes pass by.
I could tell I was on the verge of peeing many, many times. It was right there…
But for some reason it just wouldn’t go. I waited another minute or two. Mike finally sat down on the counter bored.
4 Minute go by. Now time is applying more pressure.
Still no pee.
I finally give in a little and had Mike turn around again and face the mirror. I figured I wasn’t ready for that yet.
“I can still see you in the mirror” he says.
“Yes, I know. But it seems to make it easier!”
A minute later, I was Peeing
And boy did I pee!
It’s very weird how the whole thing works. Standing there I just don’t know whether I’ll pee or not until I start peeing. You’d think you’d know, but nope.
It’s like a big surprise “OH Look, I’m Peeing!“
Will this ever become second nature to me?
Who knows? But if it allows me to pee, somehow, someway in public when I need to urinate, then it’s far better than holding it all night. I would be perfectly fine with that.
I’m not asking for much.
Just a little Relief
I think I deserve that!