I don’t know if I’ll ever be fully “cured” from Paruresis, but days like today give me great hope.
I did my normal “Fluid Loading” before I left the house (16 oz. of water), and by the time I get to Costco, I have to pee pretty badly.
I walk into the bathroom and see that the bathroom is empty except for one Employee who is using the last stall. I can tell it’s an Employee because the whole time I was in there his walkie-talkie kept going off!
No matter though, I started to pee pretty quickly. I peed for at least 2 full minutes. I’m sure the employee was trying to figure out if he was alone or not (to push or not to push?) because I stood there for so long quietly… I couldn’t even hear myself peeing. Some urinals are noiseless!
After that, I shopped and then right before I leave…
I decide to Urinate once more!
I walk into the Men’s Room, but this time I see one guy drying his hands, and another guy, a young masculine guy, combing his hair in the mirror.
Usually young guys really intimidate me (must be from all the bullying in High School). He glances at me as I enter.
I move up to the first urinal and try to put it out of my head.
I also hold my breath for I know I’m nervous and intimidated and need all the help I can get…
I stood there for 15 seconds quietly trying to calm my heart rate…
And then I Start to Pee!
I casually glance sideways a little (because the guy was quiet as well), and I see him still looking into the mirror fixing his tie.
I relax, look down, and just continue to pee.
Finally I can hear his footsteps behind me, he’s leaving the bathroom.
I’m proud of the fact that I was able to pee under pressure. And I peed the entire time he was there. That’s cool!
I’m actually a little Surprised at this! ;)
And, as I’m finishing up, another guy comes in and goes to Urinal #3. I empty my bladder, shake, and move to the sink.
If only all days were like this one!
I just need to get to the point where I can do this without Fluid Loading! That’s the true test!
Like Last Night for Example…
Last night I went out to eat at my favorite restaurant. The one where I’ve not been able to pee yet in that bathroom. Well, I didn’t have an urge to pee, which sucks, but I also didn’t want to just sit there in my seat and not try. I hate that feeling because it’s Paruresis pushing it’s thumb down on me.
And since I always need to desensitize (especially in bathrooms that scare me), I got up and went to the Men’s Room.
As I enter I see one guy at the sink, and one guy at the first urinal. I walk by them and go up to the very last urinal (in the corner).
I knew I probably wouldn’t be able to go, since I really had zero urge, but I
wanted NEEDED to stand there and soak it all in.
Why does this Bathroom Intimidate me so much?
I just don’t know!
I stood there for 3 minutes, all the other guys left… And then I finally zip up and leave.
I’m hoping that by desensitizing in there that eventually I will be able to go. It just wasn’t in the plan for tonight…
No urge. No luck. Not going to happen!
So you see, I still need some work. I was going to Fluid Load before I left the house, but I ran out of time, something pressing came up and I darted around right up until the last minute. So I was NOT Prepared!
Another Day, Another Time Perhaps!
Tomorrow I will have some fun though. Tomorrow I’m heading out all day to a Mall an hour away, and then a nice Steak House (which was planned 2 weeks ago and fell short because of the horrible weather).
So I’ll be out all day with people that don’t know I’m Pee Shy. And, what will make it interesting is the fact that I do plan on Fluid Loading, for I really want to pee at the mall and the restaurant. I just need to be sly about it so it’s not too weird or obvious… “Why are you guzzling bottles of water?” LMAO!
Either way, I’m looking forward to it. New places, new chances to Pee in Public Bathrooms!
Because I do LOVE Peeing in Public!