All day long I pee with my Pee Buddy.
It’s funny when we go into the bathroom (at home), Mike never knows where to stand. Or as he says “I’m so confused” LOL
I now make him stand at the toilet with me almost shoulder to shoulder (like we would at urinals).
I pee successfully this way on all accounts!
My peeing is still varied though, sometimes it’s quick, other times we stand there for a boring 3 minutes or so. But, I’m not letting time bother me much any more. It is what it is.
Now if other things didn’t bother me so much, I’d be good…
Like walking into a Public Bathroom!
It’s Tuesday, 3 Days into the new week (and 37 Days into my recovery) and I haven’t accomplished any of my weekly goals yet (walking into Public Bathrooms and Desensitizing at a Urinal).
It’s NOT happening!
I need to turn things up a notch if I want to meet my targets!
Mike says “just walk into the Krogers bathroom every time we go in…” (we go into Krogers pretty much every day since it’s diagonal from our house).
I remind him that I’d prefer it be 3 different bathrooms…
But actually, right now, I’d probably settle for ONE!
I SOOOOO wanted to do my bathroom visit today. I wanted to use the bathroom at the movie theater (Hunger Games Catching Fire – Awesome!) I even told Mike earlier, before we left, that I would go to the bathroom after the movie. I didn’t plan on staying the full 3 minutes (as my goal really states) because we were with female companions and that would look odd and feel awkward “He’s taking so long!“
So even if I went in for just an average pee time (one minute), I’d be happy!
Mike nods. He gets it!
I assumed he would go to the bathroom with me, since he generally does after the movies… Everyone pees after the movies, right?
I was WRONG!
After the movie ends, we empty the theater and start down the long hall to the exit. The Men’s Restroom is coming up on the right.
The girls are in front chatting and I’m walking slightly behind Mike. I know what’s coming…
I really did plan on using the Men’s Room with Mike today. I had it all worked out…
But the girls are moving fast and Mike is moving just as fast as them ??? It runs through my mind that he doesn’t need to go. Oh no!
We start to pass the entrance and I slow… Mike glances back like “Are you going in?” and I half smirk and give him the eye…
The girls are sill walking on, so is Mike, he’s not even slowing.
I’m fighting my Inner Demons!
This is not what I imagined… I see the hallway is busy. Guys are coming and going in the john, and Mike’s looking at me like “What are you going to do?“
For me to accomplish this, I would now have to call loudly to the girls “Hold up, Wait!“
Mike’s already past looking back at me, and then everyone would have to stop and stare…
Like I’m on display!
I feel panic. My heart is racing. Tension floods over me. I can see how uncomfortable that situation would be. My Paruresis is screaming “Don’t do it! It would draw attention to yourself. They would see the scared look on your face. They’d see you sheepishly enter and leave the bathroom (like a dog with his tail between his legs). They’d know what you were doing (NOT peeing!)”
Mike’s still looking at me, questioning “Make up your mind!“
The girls are ten feet in front now and what do I do?
I wave my hand for Mike to keep going. I frown at disgust in myself. I feel beaten. “Go!” I mumble to Mike. We keep walking…
I failed miserably!
I couldn’t walk into the bathroom. There was too much pressure. DAMN IT!!!!
What is so different and scary about a public bathroom versus a home bathroom?
I can pee right next to Mike, but yet I can’t even step foot in a public restroom? I just don’t get it!
Why is it so difficult to me?
What really happened inside a public bathroom that so traumatized me? Will I ever know?
I have 4 days left to accomplish my goal… and 3 of those days are crammed with huge, huge events:
- 1 Live Play
- 1 Charity Event
- 1 Museum Exhibit
- 1 Dinner at a Fine Restaurant
It’s a pretty busy week! And, there aren’t too many options left for my “pretend” peeing. Most of these places are places that I won’t attempt yet.
They scare the Crap outta me!
Live Theater Performances are awesome, but there are so many people, and they all rush to the bathrooms at the same time during intermission. You have 3 minutes left to void or we shut the doors on you… And then you have the small marble bathrooms with bright lights and a line out the open door… NO WAY! That ain’t going to happen!
I’d rather just die!
So will I meet my goals?
Only time will tell!