Gradual Exposure Therapy Day 8

I wake up this morning with a strong urge to pee (like always).

I lay in bed for another 1/2 hour just to heighten the urgency.

I have something in mind…

I walk into the office and tell Mike that I need to pee. He follows me to the small kitchen bathroom. He looks at me for direction because he never knows what I want to attempt.

Stand behind me and FACE me” I tell him.

Okayyyy” he gives me an eye like ‘You tried this last night and couldn’t go’.

He stands there. I stand there. I know I have to pee and usually early in the morning is the best time to go, since my guard is down (I’m half asleep), and I have to pee pretty badly.

I look to the side and see he’s facing down. I tell him to “look straight ahead at me

He does.

Another 30 seconds go by.

And then… it’s a success!

It took only about 2.5 minutes for a small stream to finally come out. It came out testing the waters. Then it flat stopped again… which is also a pretty normal thing for it to do.

I wait. Mike waits. He now sits on the counter. When I look to the side I can still see him facing directly towards me.

Cool Beans!

Finally I start to pee again, and this time it goes full stream. I finish peeing, I flush. I am very happy.

Now I have to pee” he says.

I step aside and he moves up to the toilet. “Pee next to me like we’re at urinals” I tell him (I know he won’t really care).

So I face forward like I’m standing at a urinal and he comes up next to me. Our shoulders are close and he doesn’t waste any time. He pees very strong, very fast and very loud.

It’s almost startling. It makes me jealous.

He pees with so much force that I make a comment about “needing a splash guard”.

We both laugh.

He finishes in 9.2 seconds (I didn’t time it, but it was done and over before you knew it).

In one week, I’ve gone from hiding and peeing quietly, to peeing noisily and being observed.

Who would have thunk?

9:20 pee attempt #2

Mike is behind me, but is facing towards me in the bathroom. I try to pee. So many times I can feel that it’s right there on the verge, but doesn’t come.

I’m keeping an eye on the stop watch this time. I want to see how long I’m actually standing here and how long it takes me to go.

1 Minute goes by. Then 2. 3… I almost peed. A drop or two comes out and then nothing.

4 Minutes and counting.

4.5 Minutes. I’m right there again.

Me and Mike are chatting about Hawaii. I’m trying to distract my mind.

5 Minutes go by and I FINALLY start peeing. WOW! That was a long time.

I pee in 20 seconds and finish. I realize that it really is all about time. Time is the enemy!

Because sooner or later, I will pee. I can pee… if only I can wait it out.

This is true for any public bathroom as well I surmise. If I can stand there long enough I will pee. No matter what. I know this! It’s only the time constraints that I give myself that makes me want to give in, give up and leave the bathroom without peeing.

I get too worried about what my friends or family will think because I’ve been in there too long. I worry about what the other guys in the john think, they’ll think I’m some kind of creep.

It makes me give up and fail. But if I ignore the urge to flee and let myself pee with no time restrictions, then it will happen. I will pee. No doubts about it.

Keeping an eye on the stop watch seems to help. You see that time is not an eternity, it’s just a minute or two. Not much in the grand scheme of things.

5 Minutes is no big deal. It may seem long standing there, but if I can void and leave the bathroom refreshed and happy, then I’m all for it!

Let the count down begin!

11 A.M.

I’m in the kitchen trying to set up my imap email (thanks for the dumb “Verifying” fun Apple!) and I have to pee. No… I HAVE TO PEE!

If I was a dog, I’d be running around in circles and whimpering…

I finally can’t take it anymore. Mike is in his room folding clothes, and I run in telling him that I NEED TO PEE!

He throws his hand up like “well…”

I’ll pee in your bathroom” I say “It’s closer and I really have to go!

So I stand at his toilet and he stands directly behind me facing me. I start peeing in 10 seconds. The urge was extreme. No waiting here! I peed for about 1.5 minutes. Relief at last!

Ahhhhh…

That’s 3 times today, and 3 Successes!

Very, very cool!

I’m happy with myself and almost giddy.

I really do feel like this trip to Hawaii will be a much different trip than any of the others. I’m not fearing the restrooms as much. If I can pee this close to someone facing me, then I should be able to pee no problems in a stall.

You think?

4:30 P.M.

2 more times, 2 more successes. The first time took a couple of minutes to go, the last, not so much.

I wonder how I rate with other Paruretics doing Home Desensitization? I guess it doesn’t matter much since everyone is different and a successful pee is a successful pee. Right? Either you go, or you don’t.

If I can go, I’m happy. What else is there?

11:30 P.M. Update…

I go out to eat with some buddies of mine. I get home at 8. I don’t have to pee. In fact, I don’t have to pee all night (haven’t peed since around 5:30).

I briefly wonder if this is this another kind of avoidance? Am I delaying peeing? Holding it forever so I don’t have to practice? It’s rather odd. I don’t think it is since I don’t have an urge to go, but it really is weird.

I watch a 2 hour movie and down a bottle of water to help me. Still nothing!

I decide to trick my bladder and at 11:00 I stand at the toilet by myself, in my quiet little bathroom, just to see if I can make the urge come. Make my body think it’s okay to pee…

After a bit, I can finally feel the urge kick in. I stop (before I started) and go knock on Mike’s door. He’s watching TV and I tell him I want to pee before I go to bed.

He follows me into my bathroom. My bathroom that is in the back of the house is large. The door swings in with the sink to left, parallel to the toilet on the right.

I tell Mike to lean on the sink and face me. He’s now facing my profile and I’m very visible. He can see just about everything. The open door is slightly blocking some of the view, but there isn’t that much to hide.

Gradual Exposure Therapy Day Eight

He laughs saying “You’ll never be able to go with me facing you like this” (thanks for the encouragement). He moves his head slightly to the right to obstruct the view some more. I stand there. Time ticks by. He’s still staring and chuckling…

It’s quiet

I try to go. I feel like I can, it’s right on the edge…

After a minute or two, I get a little out. I find myself talking to Mike to drown out the sound of my splashing… The quiet is getting to me.

I decide to flick on the ceiling fan. The constant hum is like white noise and helps me block the sound of my urine. I pee within a minute!

And not only am I peeing, I’m peeing in force.

Mike’s 3 feet away from me, facing me, seeing everything… And I peed!

Now that’s a good day!

Wouldn’t you say?

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