Shy Bladder HQ

I go out to eat today.

Mike asks me if I’m going to the bathroom.

I reply “I could. I hand’t really thought about it, because I have big plans for the end of the week”.

Mike looks at me full of questions.

I remind him that next Year’s Goals (in just days) are to actually load up on water and NOT pee before I leave the house.

He nods “You mean I don’t have to wait for you to pee 3 times before we go?”

YEP! That would be it!

Ha! And to think that he knew me for 15 years and had no idea I was pee shy.

It scares me to think about water loading and leaving the house with a full bladder. I must be insane!

He tells me to just pee at Krogers, which is pretty much across the street from our house.

I could, but I don’t think that bathroom will help me much. There’s only one urinal, low traffic, and the cafeteria sits right outside the door, so everyone eating sees people coming and going.

It would be very obvious and would make me even more anxious. Nope! Not going to go there.

I tell him I was thinking about going to the mall. The traffic is steadier, the bathrooms are bigger, there’s lots of urinals, lots of stalls, and I know if I need to, in an emergency, I could probably pee in a stall.

But I don’t really plan on that.

I’m Peeing in a Urinal!

So, on the way out the door, I stop and go into the restaurant bathroom. Might as well… Entering more bathrooms than my goal says, will only help me desensitize faster!

I will say, that going in with the intention to go to the urinals is a totally different point-of-view than I’m used to. Really, I’ve never even glanced at the urinals.

I’m so used to hiding in a stall…

As I go in, there’s a young guy at the sink. He’s probably 20. He looks like he belongs on the football team. I walk in, he glances at me in the mirror for a second, and I step up to the urinal.

Notice I said “urinal“… There’s only one!

DAMN! What’s with all these places that only have one urinal? Is this common? I’m beginning to think so. And that frightens me. Because I’m sure I’ll run into many situations where guys (needing to pee badly) are waiting behind me, staring at me, seeing that I’m not peeing…

Trying to Pee under Pressure is the Worst!

I step up to the urinal as I hold my breath.

It’s so much harder to do this when someone else is just feet away from you. It’s even more difficult I find, to do this after you’ve eaten a big meal.

My Breath Hold folds quickly and I breath again. CRAP!

As I stand there trying to relax myself, I see the guy’s reflection in the tile in front of me. He’s drying his hands and looking in the mirror (which is directly behind me).

I slowly inhale and exhale 3/4 of my lungs. I hold my breath again.

The kid throws his paper towel away and now I see him move back towards the sink. He’s fixing his shirt and hair…

My heart is racing overtime

I’m holding on and struggling inside.

Pee Pee Pee I tell myself.

Surely with him directly behind me in the mirror, he can see, and hear, that I’m not peeing.

I mean, it is a tall urinal, you CAN see if urine is running down.

He’s checking himself out still

I’m holding my breath and trying to relax. 20 Seconds. 25…

Finally the kid leaves.

It’s just me… I think!

Someone could be in the stalls, who knows? I know I’ve been in the stalls before as quiet as a mouse. Although I hear no one, they could be waiting for me to leave. You just never know. I’m not the only Paruretic in town…

I hold my breath for another few seconds and finally…

I Start to Pee!

(4th time Peeing in a Urinal)

WOW! That was tough. Breath Hold is going to kill me yet, ha!

I didn’t pee much, but I didn’t really have to pee at all.

The important thing is, I DID PEE! That’s another feather in my cap.

Little by little I’m doing it. I’m seeing that it can be done, and it does give me hope and encouragement. Every single day that I succeed, my confidence builds, and as my confidence builds, it changes my thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. It hammers away at my Paruresis Wall and breaks it down brick by brick.

I wash my hands, dry them and push on the door…

And as I’m going out of the bathroom, a young guy, probably 18 comes in. We play chicken in the door frame for a second as I excuse myself and head out.

All these young guys have no idea what Paruresis feels like. To them, I’m just another guy peeing at the urinal. They will never know my true horror.

And if I can help it, they never will!

First day of the new week means, I need to desensitize in 3 more Public Bathrooms.

I won’t let up on that because it forces myself to enter bathrooms, versus listening to my Paruretic Ways and Avoid them.

It would Avoid all of them if it could.

So me and my Pee Buddy Mike are walking into Menards today. I tell Mike “I’m going to the bathroom“.

He says he’ll wait.

No problem!

As I walk up to the bathroom entrance, I notice I’m looking around to see who’s watching me, staring at me, seeing me enter… Sigh, will I ever stop worrying about this?

No One is Looking!

I head in and instantly see legs under the first stall right next to the urinals. Great! Someone’s taking a Dump! UGH!

I really hate that. It’s something I don’t want to be around (they’re always quiet and listening), nor hear, nor smell (Good thing I’ll be Holding my Breath).

Luckily though, all 3 urinals are empty.

It’s just Me and Him!

I walk up to the first urinal already holding my breath. I’m looking at their ads plastered above the urinals, but I’m not reading them, I’m concentrating on relaxing and holding my breath so I can pee (not that I had an urge).

It’s so much more difficult when I’m not alone. It’s like day and night.

I’m holding my breath and I can tell pretty quickly that it won’t be easy. My lungs are fighting it.

The guy in the stall starts talking loudly…

I wasn’t even paying attention to him, so I really don’t know what he was saying…

I’m more worried about trying to get a flow going… I’m struggling inside, desperately clinging on…

Stall guy is still talking and I now understand he’s on his cell phone “I’ll just be a few minutes and I’ll swing by…“

I’m 35 seconds into Breath Hold and I know I’m close…

Finally at 45 seconds in, I start to pee. THANK GOD! (3rd time peeing in a urinal)

I pee for a bit while I catch my breath. That was hard to control without gasping like a lunatic.

I Pee Quickly and Finish!

I walk over to the sink and can tell that I’m still out of breath. I’m almost panting. I stare at myself in the mirror and what do I see?

My entire face and head is blood shot. I’m as red as a tomato.

Wow! It almost startled me!

That’s not obvious now isn’t it?

This is why I need to practice more. But at least it did work…

Once I met up with Mike, I tell him I peed. He says “Really? You were fast!“

That’s the cool thing about Breath Hold, you’re in, you’re out.

I’m so close to mastering this… But there are still some aspects of it I need to fine tune…

1. Learning to Relax More
2. Holding my Breath Better (Maybe even Earlier, like as I’m Walking in)
3. Not Gasping at the End
4. Not Turning Beet Red

Mike said that he couldn’t tell I was red, so that’s good. It went away pretty fast, but boy did I see it!

I analyze my Breath Hold later and wonder if it’s my age that’s making it more difficult?

Mike says “Anyone at any age can hold their breath!” True True…

Maybe it’s just a matter of practicing more?

And then I also wonder about that extra little step that Jordan said about Breath Hold:

…if you take a tiny “sip” of air (like 1 ml) the moment before the Pelvic Floor drops, then it will allow you to relax naturally at that point and will keep you from gasping like you normally would after you inhale.

In fact, BeserkPencil said almost the exact same thing in the IPA forums. He says:

Right before the pelvic floor drops involuntarily, take in a small (tiny!) gasp of breath to override the PF drop.

So there you go, this may be the missing element that I need to master Breath Hold.

That one little gasp of air at the end could do the trick. If it keeps me from struggling, gasping at the end, and turning red, then it’s like winning the lotto! :)

I would be able to Breath Hold anywhere, anytime, and Pee at any urinal in public in just under a minute. That’s Incredible!

So the next time I do Breath Hold, that’s what I’m going to try to do: “SIP!“

Plus, one other thing may help me as well… You see, I didn’t have a desire to pee, so I’m actually forcing myself to go. If I had a Full Bladder of Urine, with a Strong Urge, then maybe I wouldn’t have to struggle so hard ??? Maybe it would just happen!

All good things to Consider, Learn and Try!

No matter what, I AM PEEING! It IS WORKING! And I’m Peeing FAST!

I’m Peeing in Public, with other guys in the Bathroom!

And that my friends, is Progress! :)

If only I had know what Paruresis was when I was 20…

Back then, I had no idea what Bashful Bladder was, I didn’t know that’s what I had. I had never heard of it before. I grew up on a farm raising Cows and Pigs and Chickens. No one ever talked about it. It’s not something that casually came up during Sunday Supper “Pass the Rolls Please, Oh Yeah, I’m Pee Shy!“

Who knew? I just thought I was weird and different and timid. I thought my shyness and my fear was Caused by my Dad (I still do – the bastard beat me). Who knew it was a real condition that affected 20 million people in the USA?

If I had known back then what I know now, things would have been much different for me. I would have nipped it in the bud back then, before it grew and festered and consumed my sanity.

Because as the years went by, my Paruresis got worse. That’s what this Phobia does! It’s shame based and secretive and mushrooms if left un-attended. Years went by. I started noticing it’s hold on me and how I couldn’t use the bathroom like other guys. I just thought it was me. That’s how I am (Thank you Dad). I’m afraid!

If I had known about Breath Hold back then…

I do feel that my entire life would have been different.

Who knows where I would have ended up? What I would have done. What I would have seen. Become. Be with.

Everything in my life could be totally open and free, a life without Paruresis!

But I can’t undo the past. I can’t change that fact, nor dwell on it. I know what I have now, and that’s all that matters.

Because NOW I am doing something about it. I am taking a stand and fighting back.

I’m determined to win this battle!

Today, I practiced Breath Hold with every pee I took. It worked like a charm! :)

I used it when I peed by myself, I used it when I peed with my Pee Buddy Mike (who stood by my side at the toilet – rather bored lol). So Breath Hold IS working, and I ALWAYS get my urine to flow. Always! Maybe not full force, but it goes, and I do empty my bladder. So I couldn’t ask for more.

I also find that I’m getting better at not gasping at the end. I’m learning to keep myself relaxed, especially when your body starts to involuntarily quake. It also seems that the more I practice the faster this gasping point comes about. Like it’s learning WHEN to pee!

As soon as my body wants to convulse, I relax and let it go. I make myself calm and not be scared to go there, because I know, within seconds, I’ll be peeing. And it works!

Relaxing towards the end does make it all better and smoother. It’s a very cool thing to experience! :)

My Next Big Goal!

My next BIG Goal though, won’t be easy. I’m going to push my limits to the extreme.

With the New Year coming, there’s no better time to set the bar high then now.

I’ve been desensitizing in Public Restrooms for a month already (with no need to pee). I’ve gone in just to get used to entering bathrooms, being in them, getting used to being around other guys peeing, the feeling, the sights, the sounds, the fear… And facing it. Learning that it’s not harmful to me and that I can stand there just like them and not feel intimidated by them. They aren’t watching me. They aren’t scrutinizing, laughing or judging. They don’t even know I’m there. I’m learning to relax and breath deep. It’s no big deal.

But Bow the Fun Begins!

My goals for the New Year will really test everything that I’ve learned so far. It does make me anxious just thinking about it, but that’s good. I know I’m going in for the kill.

Here are my Plans:

1. Load Up on Water
2. Don’t Pee 1 Hour Before I leave the House
3. Go to a Public Bathroom with Moderate Traffic
4. Pee using Breath Hold

These steps are a combination of tactics I learned from reading my Books on Shy Bladder. Pee Shy to Pee Free, on page 36, says:

Drink water beforehand and refrain from emptying your bladder in the hour before you leave home

Steven Soifer’s Book: Shy Bladder Syndrome talks about Fluid Loading (which has always terrified me). On page 43 (Step Four in the Gradual Exposure Therapy) says:

You need to drink a lot of fluids to the point that you feel you are going to burst

Steven Soifer does go onto say that:

The idea of fluid loading goes against one of the main coping mechanisms paruretics use, that is, controlling the intake of fluids in order to control the “when and where” of needing to urinate

He also gives a cautionary note at the end: “Do not overload on fluids“. LOL Nicely said. Thanks Steven, it sends shivers down my spine. Ha!

These steps are almost insane to think about. It breaks apart every safety net I have, because I DON’T drink fluids if I know I’m going out. I DO pee 2 or 3 times before I leave the house. And I haven’t had to actually worry about really peeing in a restroom, because I’ve been desensitizing and just standing there to squash my screaming fears.

But Now…

Now Things Change!

Starting January 2nd, 2014… (lots of parties, New Years and New Years Day are very busy) I’m going to force myself out of my comfort shell. I’m going to face my Social Phobia head on.

No more beating around the bush. I’ll load up on water before I leave the house (I’ll cut back on Coffee since it has Caffeine and acts as a Stimulant). I’ll have no choice then, I’ll HAVE to Pee with a Full Bladder, like it or not!

Sounds Positively Dreadful! LOL

But, I think I’m ready. The only way to do it, is to just do it.

Next Year, I’m writing a whole new chapter in my life. It’s called:

I BEAT PARURESIS!

I’ll either beat it, or it’ll kill me.

Either way, it ENDS!

Today, I have a major break through.

It’s Day 62 in my Pee Shy Desensitization and I had one more bathroom to visit today (to meet my 3-a-Week Goal).

So, I visit Costco!

Even though I went into Costco’s Bathroom at the beginning of the week, on Sunday, it’s now the end of the week and time is running out for my pit stops. So I’ll take what I can get.

As we’re checking out (buying snacks for our New Years Party), I tell Mike “I’m going to the bathroom“.

On the way down the hall, I exhale 3/4 of the air in my lungs and hold it. I don’t have to pee, but I was hoping to hold it long enough to get to the gasping point. I have yet to do that in public.

I didn’t get Far

As soon as I get to the entrance and around the corner, I have to breath. :(

RATS!

The good thing is, no one’s in the bathroom, and I have my choice of 3 urinals, or 2 stalls to desensitize in.

I pick the very first urinal so that everyone would have to walk by me. As I step up to the plate, I unzip, hold my breath again, and wait.

Attempt #2

I glance at my watch and look at the seconds. I know that time can get distorted when you’re standing at the urinals. Seconds seem like an eternity.

I also knew that I was anxious, and I could feel my heart racing…

It’s so hard to hold your breath under these conditions (note to self: I need to learn Relaxation Techniques).

So I stand there and hold my breath. I know I need to hold it for at least 30 seconds before it starts to work. So I hold it, and hold it, and watch the hand slowly tick by… No one’s coming in yet.

I hold it for 20 Seconds

25… Then 30 Seconds…

And then… I felt like I could pee. It was weird because I didn’t have to go, but holding my breath long enough was making the external sphincter loosen and I knew that I was on the verge of peeing.

All I had to do was hold my breath for a couple of more seconds.

I kept holding.

35 Seconds. It’s right there…

And then it happened!

40 Seconds into my Breath Hold and I WAS PEEING!

I WAS PEEING AT THE URINAL IN A PUBLIC BATHROOM!

This is only the second time in my life that I can EVER recall peeing in a urinal. 2 times EVER!

The first time was just a month ago (Nov. 5th) here: I Peed in a Urinal!

WOW! This is Amazing!

This is the very first time that I’ve been able to hold my breath long enough in a public restroom for breath hold to work.

I really am floored!

As I stood there peeing (without even gasping for air afterwards), I felt so exhilarated. So alive. So relieved. I almost felt like crying.

It really can work.

I know there’s hope. I can get out of this living hell that I’m handcuffed in…

I finished, washed and was exiting as another guy entered.

I was so Happy and Joyous!

The interesting thing I also learned is that most bathrooms have a steady traffic flow, guys entering every couple of minutes or so. But, if you pee fast, like in and out in just a minute, then you’ll probably only encounter 1, maybe 2 guys at the most. That’s a low encounter rate.

Generally, before I started my Pee Shy Recovery, I would try to pee quietly in a stall and I’d be in there for ten minutes or more. I would hear lots of guys coming and going (thinking there were thousands of them) because I was in there so long.

So with breath hold, since it works pretty fast, I could actually get in and out of the bathroom in just a minute or so, and that my friends is awesome!

Not to mention…

I PEE’D AT A URINAL!

AGAIN!

I’m so delighted. That’s big news for me. It lifts a huge weight off my shoulders, if only for a little while.

I can see this technique working. All I need is more practice and it could change my life.

I have to keep in mind though, there were NO guys in the bathroom at the time. Being busy could change things quickly.

But all in all, Breath Hold DID work, it WAS Successful!

I Peed in Public!

On the way home, I couldn’t keep talking about it with Mike (who was very happy for me). Since we had one more store to swing by, Krogers for French Onion Dip, I told Mike that I wanted to try Breath Hold again.

I’ve never been in the Kroger Bathroom so I didn’t know what to expect.

I would have never expected this…

I head into the bathroom (my 4th Bathroom Visit for the Week) and I see that it’s quite small. One of the smallest public bathrooms I’ve ever encountered that isn’t a single-user bathroom.

There’s only One Urinal and One Stall. And that’s it!

And of course, my timing is bad, there’s one guy at the urinal pissing.

Great!

I hesitated for a second, not knowing if I should just awkwardly wait behind him, or use the empty stall. I decide to head into the stall (that’s what any normal guy would do).

As I head in, I think to myself “This is a waste! A stall isn’t going to help me desensitize much!“

And so I do something extremely ballsy and brave. I’ve never done this before heading into a stall… I didn’t close the door after me. I left it wide open!

Anyone at anytime could walk in on me.

I step up to the toilet, hold my breath, and wait.

I found it much, much harder to hold my breath with another guy around. I was more stressed and anxious.

Plus, peeing in a toilet is louder than peeing in a urinal. You can’t mask the loud splashing noises, which means, when I pee, or IF I pee, he’ll hear every drop!

And, as I stood there, I also kept waiting for the bathroom door to open. No doubt someone would walk in, as I did, see someone at the urinal and head into the stall. I mean the door is wide open, they’ll think it’s empty!

“OOOPS! Sorry!” They’d Say!

(“Close the Fucking Door” They’d Think)

But I’m desensitizing. Leave me alone! HA!

The guy at the urinal flushes. I’m still struggling much harder at holding my breath. It’s not easy this time, not in the least. I feel so much weight on my chest.

The urinal guy leaves without washing his hands. Nice! (Don’t touch those Apples!) I think briefly that I should move over to the urinal, but that wouldn’t change things much. And, I’m here to practice Breath Hold more than anything. I stand my ground.

30 Seconds in, I’m having problems. I don’t know if it’s because I’m trying too hard. Putting too much pressure on myself. I feel tense, like I’m trying to force it.

So finally 45 Seconds in, I get to the point where my Sphincter loosens up and I get a little squirt of pee out. Actually 2 squirts. I pee just a bit, but then I had to gasp for air and it locked up again.

DAMN! LOL!

Doing breath hold in a bathroom with other guys is harder. This is where I need the practice. But, no matter, there is hope. I saw results!

I just need to keep doing what I’m doing and perfect it.

One day Paruresis will not run my life, nor ruin my life.

It will be a thing of the past.

One urinal at a time.

Wow! I’ve been doing desensitization with my Pee Buddy for 2 Months now.

2 Whole Months!

Mike stands next to me as I Pee, and even though it’s easier than it used to be, I can tell that I’m still bashful about it.

It takes me longer to Pee, even when I really have to go.

I Pee! I Do! But many times I feel that I need to Pee again shortly afterwards, like I didn’t get it all out the first time.

I also know that if he’s looking down, it still bugs me. I have to try to put it out of my mind and concentrate more on peeing. It’s tough to keep my brain from thinking such stupid things as “He’s Staring at my Dick!“

Why do we Think that way?

It’s Completely Ludicrous!

I still find myself dehydrating before I go out for the night. I still find myself staring at the bathrooms in my usual nervous anxiousness.

I’m even awkward on those days that I have to excuse myself, like at a restaurant, to go to the restroom. I feel like my friends stop and are suddenly staring at me and thinking “He’s going to the BATHROOM? Hey, Everybody LOOK! He’s going to PEE!“

I’ve been working on it though. Slowly but surely. This week I’ve been in 2 public bathrooms already, I only need one more to meet my goals.

The First Bathroom

The first bathroom was on Sunday at Costco. And it was B U S Y ! ! !

There were guys every where. 2 at the urinals, 3 at the sinks, one drying, one in the stall, and even an employee cleaning up (with a bright blue shirt on that was distracting).

I mosied on up to the 1st urinal, unzipped, and stood there (I didn’t have to pee).

The guy next to me finishes and heads to the sink. Another guy steps up 20 seconds later and he pees really, really fast. He’s done and GONE! Outta there!

I can see the employee in blue out of the corner of my eye, he’s just a blue blur moving back and forth. He’s in the stall, at the sink, at the trash bin…

Lots of Noise, People Moving, Water Running, Dryers…

It’s like Central Station!

The stall clears out. The blue boy leaves. Now there’s just 3 left, me, some guy at urinal #3, someone at the sink… And I’m not peeing, just soaking in the chaos and atmosphere.

Someone else enters and steps up to the center urinal. Someone else leaves.

Blue Boy is back and I have no idea what he’s doing…

Finally, I step back, wash and leave.

That was a crazy ordeal. So much Commotion, so much Noise, Disorder, Sensory Overload…

And then I think…

Did anyone notice little ole me? Did anyone see I wasn’t peeing?

Nope! Not in the least!

Second Bathroom

My second trip this week, was at my favorite restaurant on Christmas Eve (FILET – Medium Rare to die for!) Every year I go with my Friends and we have a blast (remember my Merry Christmas Anxiety Post Years Ago?). This year is no different.

We all get seated at a table by the fireplace (AWESOME), but what was interesting, and I didn’t plan this, but my seat was at the end and it directly faced the hallway with the bathrooms. I could literally see every guy coming and going all night. Even if I didn’t want to see it, it was hard not to. It was in my face.

Most guys only use the bathroom once, maybe twice in a given evening. I did see one elderly gentleman use the bathroom 3 times… But I also saw a young guy use the bathroom three times. He stood out because he was wearing a bright peach shirt on. I saw him go into the john 3 times in just 2 hours. That’s a lot! I’d say he was probably 20 years old, and I wouldn’t have noticed as much, but that shirt really grabbed your eye.

You couldn’t NOT see him!

I figure he’s either drinking a LOT, or he’s got some peeing issues. I know I’ve certainly gone to the bathroom a couple of times just waiting for the right opportunity to pee.

He could be Paruretic?

Who knows?

After sitting there for a while, and after all my friends had been up to pee, I finally made my move towards the end of the night.

When I stood to go, I didn’t look at Mike because I didn’t want to see it in his eyes “You’re going to try to pee here?“

I head into the bathroom (no, the guy with the peach shirt was not in there at the time), and I see 2 people. One at the first urinal, one at the sink.

I step up to the 3rd and last urinal

Just as I step up, the first urinal finishes and he goes to the sink.

And of course, the entire 3 minutes that I’m in there, no one else enters and no one else comes to pee. Just me!

See, if I was a normal guy who could pee with no problems, I’d be able to pee and get out and never have to deal with another man…

So there you go. 2 Bathrooms so far and only one to go.

I’m sure I’ll hit that bathroom Tomorrow.

What will I experience?

You just never know!

Like I said in my last couple of posts, I’ve been re-reading the books I have on Paruresis and they are just as interesting, inspiring and informative as before.

In fact, they mean more!

I’ve come a long way since then in my understanding of this condition, and it really touches my heart.

If you haven’t read any Books about Shy Bladder, then I urge you to do so. It will open your eyes!

Carol Olmert has a wonderful book on the subject called “Bathrooms Make Me Nervous“. It’s actually a great guide for Women with Urinary Anxiety, but there is nothing so “Women Specific” about it that it can’t help Men. Paruresis affects both Men and Women and I find her topics and conversations dead on! Anyone that has a Bashful Bladder will relate and appreciate the knowledge, conversations, stories and resources this book provides. It’s priceless when it comes to Recovery!

Chapter 5, Page 32…

On page 32 in her book, Carol really hits home with me. She writes:

Once you accept the fact that you are just as important as the next person, you are more than halfway toward your recovery”

This whole Chapter resonates deeply with me. The title of this Chapter, Chapter Five, is entitled “Why Can’t I Be Normal, Like All The Others”.

I Am There!

I get stuck in that phrase A LOT! I tend to beat myself up, hate myself, hate others and hate life. I need to learn to let it all go and accept who I am and that I do have Paruresis. So What?

Page 33…

Page 33 in her book, Carol goes on to say:

“It’s not your fault that you are a paruretic. You did nothing to create your symptoms”

WOW!

Stop and think about that! Really let it soak in. It hits you like a ton of bricks.

She’s absolutely right. I didn’t create my Shy Bladder. Some people, as Olmert says, are just more sensitive than others and this “high sensitivity” is completely “normal“.

I need to Accept that!

I have ALWAYS felt alone, a side kick, like I never fit in. I feel especially awkward in large groups. I fidget, shuffle my feet, over compensate by telling funny stories or jokes…

It doesn’t matter. I’m just an odd ball.

People are looking at me. I say the wrong thing. I can read it in their eyes “Why’s he here?“

I don’t drink like them!

I don’t get drunk like them!

I don’t even go to the bathroom!

“Who is this guy?”

It’s tough to accept your “Special Traits” as only that; Special! How do you accept the fact that you are just as normal as the next?

I know I need to. I need to feel good about myself. I need to stop comparing myself to others.

Carol goes on to say that:

Urination is not a competition in which you’re trying to be the best, or “perfect” nor is it a performance test”

So true!

I always want to compare myself with the masculine guy who steps up to the urinal beside me. He unzips and is peeing within ten seconds. He’s peeing very forceful, fast and LOUD! He doesn’t care! He has to go!

20 Seconds later, he’s done, flushed and is washing up. I’m still standing there saying to myself “Why can’t I be like that?“

30 Seconds, he’s in and out!

The truth is, I’m NOT like him! Nor will I ever be like him. I have tons and tons of qualities about myself that make me different from him, and more than likely “better” than him!

He may be a good pee’er, but he may be scared to fly, or gets tongue tied around women. He may be really clumsy, have 6 toes, or have an IQ of 28. You just never know!

Life is all about balances, we all have our Strengths and Weaknesses! Mine just happens to be peeing.

It’s Who I Am!

I pee different than most men. Do they care? NOPE!

Neither should I.

If I have to stand at the urinal for 5 minutes, oh well! So be it! It doesn’t matter how many Men are waiting. I was here first. I’m important too!

Peeing is a bodily function that we all do. We all MUST do!

If I’m a slow starter, if it dribbles out, stops then goes, then that’s how it is. No one is going to notice. No one will say anything. No one is watching you. No one will laugh. No one! EVER!

So take a deep breath. Shake it off. Get it out of your mind. Relax. The only thing that matters is peeing. Take your time. Eventually you WILL go! Exhale. Relax your shoulders. Let the tension disperse. Concentrate on nothing else but peeing.

So What if Bathrooms Make Me Nervous?

I’m a nervous person! That doesn’t mean I’m a bad person, or an abnormal person, I am who I am.

I’m Richard. I’m recovering from Paruresis. Join me!

Little by little I’m taking the proper desensitization steps needed to be able to pee in a public restroom. No one said this would be easy!

It doesn’t matter how long I take. It doesn’t matter who’s in there. They’re all in there for one purpose, and one purpose only: To VOID!

It’s Normal!

It’s Needed!

And by golly, I AM NORMAL!

Because it all comes down to this:

It’s NOT my fault!

Today is Christmas. Merry Christmas Everyone!

Christmas is a magical time of year that is full of Dreams, Desires and Wishes.

So this year…

I thought I’d make a Wish:

I Wish that People afflicted with Pee Shyness would be Cured for just One Day!

Just One Day?

An entire life would be better, but I need to keep this wish realistic and not overflowing the Wish List…

So I wish for one day that Paruretics world-wide would be free of this social phobia entirely. This crazy fear that cripples millions and millions of people, both men and women alike.

A day where you don’t think about Peeing, where to Pee, how to Pee, or if you’re going to Pee. No more Avoidance, it’s over!

A day where Peeing comes natural and you can just Urinate whenever you feel the desire. Regardless of how many people there are in the bathroom, who’s Looking, Watching, Intimidating you or Sizing you up. It’s a Free Day!

You can Pee where you please! You don’t have to think twice.

Peeing is Enjoyable and Relaxing and puts a Smile on your Face.

It’s Pure Relief!

One Day!

Just to see how good it feels, to know what our goals are, and what we want to obtain.

A natural life!

A normal life!

One Day!

That’s all I ask!

Give us something to Hope for. Hold on for. Strive for.

One day where bathrooms don’t scare us. Where you can Pee with the door open. You can Pee on a Plane. You can Pee outside. In a Trough. Next to your friends and family. And no one would care!

Not even yourself!

So there you go. That’s my Wish!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

I hope this year is festive and fun. I hope you spend it with your family and loved ones. And I hope that all your wishes DO come true!

For many of us in recovery, it will.

Eventually!

Maybe not this Christmas, but next Christmas. Maybe then Paruresis will be a thing of the past.

I’m Wishing…

Someday that “One Day” will be “Today” and “Every Day“!

Happy Holidays All!
Ho Ho Ho!

I’ve been re-reading my Books on Paruresis, and I came across a line that sticks in my brain.

It comes from Pee Shy to Pee Free on page 62, and it says something like this:

I am afflicted with Paruresis, and that’s that. Move on!

Accepting and moving on is a very difficult thing to accomplish.

I’ve been stuck in the “Why Me?” mode forever. I beat myself up about it all the time. Accepting who I am, and that I do have this disorder (however I got it), and leaving it at that, is quite painful indeed.

I do think it would be easier if I knew where it began, how it started, why…

Was I bullied? Was I picked on in the locker rooms?

Was it my drunk Dad yelling and beating me? Was it my Mom embarrassing me with my pants down in the corner?

What Was it?

I feel if I knew where it all started I’d have a better fighting chance at fixing it.

But then, that’s probably a lie too… A distraction from the real problem.

ME!

I’m still in Denial!

I don’t want to accept it (won’t that make it go away?) I don’t want to accept myself, hence, I’ll probably never get over and move on from this point. And that scares me!

But am I accepting it?

I’m certainly taking actions and steps and recovering slowly but surely.

Isn’t this acceptance?

Or is it just another question mark on my life?

How do you Accept it?

Stand proud and say to the world “I have Paruresis!“

Isn’t that what I did with my Best Friend, who’s now my Pee Buddy?

Isn’t that what I’m doing with this blog?

I have come to terms with it. I know what it is and what I have to do.

That I do Accept!

But it’s hard. I want to get mad at myself and my condition. I want to scream “unfair” and crawl back in my shell. But I can’t!

Because I am facing my fears. I have opened up about being Pee Shy. I am peeing in front of strangers. I am forcing myself to desensitize in the Public Bathrooms…

I’ve accepted the fact that I have this Social Phobia, and am allowing myself to recover from it. I know I may never fully understand it’s origins.

But no matter…

That’s a lifetime away. What I’ve got to deal with is here and now. Finding a way out!

Little by little I’m getting there. Breath Hold seems helpful, and if I keep entering Restrooms to squash my dread, then I should eventually be able to move on and find some resolve in this crippling shyness.

A cure? No! But Recovery, Yes!

That is something I can accept!

What’s the Story that I want to tell about myself?

I thought about this when I read that line in the Pee Shy to Pee Free book (page 78).

What do I want people to hear?

Simple:

That I Beat Paruresis!

I Beat Paruresis!

This website isn’t in vain.

That I set out with a goal in mind, and step by step I over came my fears and stepped foot in a busy public bathroom and peed at a urinal like the rest of the men.

That’s the story I’m aiming for. That’s what I want to accomplish. A life full of freedom from this silly little phobia.

I want to Pee like a Man!

I want to recover from this condition and never look back. I want to move on with my life and not have it hinder my every decision. I want to put Paruresis out of my mind and have it become ancient history.

I want to look back at this website in 40 years from now and say to myself “Wow, I vaguely remember having those feelings and fears!”

How Grand would that be?

It’s like writing a whole new ending to my life. A Happy Ending!

One where the sound of pee hitting the water doesn’t shame me. One where my bladder doesn’t lock up and where peeing is just a natural thing to me and I don’t know of any other way.

I Want that Story!

I won’t give up until I achieve it. Even if it kills me…

Who knows, I could pass out from Breath Hold, fall and crack my head on the toilet… ???

You never know!

Just sayin’

I’m still doing Breath Hold Exercises every time I Pee. Even with my Pee Buddy present. I can usually hold it long enough to start Peeing, but now I’m working on not gasping for air afterwards.

This morning I’m holding my breath at the toilet. Mike, my Pee Buddy, is beside me. He asks me a question. I’m holding my breath and can’t answer.

He waits a second, then looks at me “Oh, That’s Right!” he says “You’re holding Your breath!“

I had just told him on the way to the bathroom that I was going to… Ha! How easily they forget!

And trust me, when I can beat this disorder, I’ll try to forget it just as easily!

Out of Sight, Out of Mind!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it! :)

Everyday I work on my Desensitization (Day 56) and Breath Hold.

I’m determined to Recover!

But, even though I’ve made massive leaps, I find, I’m still living in Shame!

Paruresis is a shame based phobia and I see its signs everywhere I look.

When I’m peeing with my Pee Buddy (Mike), I notice it when he’s silent and patiently waiting. He’s standing there not moving, bored, and quiet, and I’m standing there quiet as well. It makes it all very awkward and shameful. I hate it when it’s that dead quiet. It makes me feel like the focus is solely on me. Every breath I take, every foot I shuffle, every sigh, every splash in the toilet…

It’s out there!

That’s why I dread Public Bathrooms so much. Most are ultra quiet and you can’t hide what you’re doing. It’s pretty obvious. One can instantly tell if you’re peeing or not.

I find I always want some background noise; Sinks, Dryers, Talking, Music, White Noise, something…

I do that now with Mike. If we’re chatting as I pee, it’s easier to pee. You don’t notice the sound of my urine in the water so much.

I also love it when the Washer and Dryer is on (just feet from the door). The same with the Furnace or Fan or whatever… It masks the sound of peeing.

So I can see that I’m still ashamed of it. Silence makes it harder to pee.

I can also tell that I’m ashamed of entering Public Bathrooms still, even though I’ve been forcing myself into them lately. I’m still timid and feel like I’m being watched and scrutinized. I feel like people will know the exact time I enter and how long it takes me to leave… much longer than the average male.

I find myself looking at the bathroom doors, seeing who comes and goes and how often. I always hope that I can go in there when there’s little to no traffic.

And while I’m in there, I’m still scared when the door opens and guys walk in.

“OH SHIT! I’M CAUGHT!”

I’m still nervous about being in a stall when someone else is in the next one.

I’m Still Ashamed!

I also find myself hesitating when it comes to peeing at home. Should I get Mike, or should I put it off for a little bit longer?

I feel bad making him stand there at the toilet with me. He’s bored and staring down at his shoes… I think to myself: Is he staring at me? Certainly his point of view can see me pee…

I know this is preposterous, I know he’s not looking, nor does he ever want to look, but I still believe that.

I think the same thing in a restroom with guys washing up at the sink. I think “Are they watching me in the mirror?” It’s so crazy to think, but it runs through my brain.

“Look! He Can’t Pee!”

It’s not going to happen. No one cares. But yet I’m still embarrassed about the whole bathroom scenario. I still find it difficult to even stand next to another man peeing at a urinal. I don’t want to hear it, but yet you can’t block the sound. Pee is Pee!

So when will I ever Shed some of this Shame?

I’m sure I’ve shed a lot already, I mean, I am peeing next to Mike at a toilet. But what’s it going to take to totally erase it?

Years of Practice?

A lifetime?

Non-Stop Desensitization?

You’d think that peeing in front of another man would do the trick. You’d think “Problem Solved, you’re Cured!“. But it’s not so easy. It doesn’t work that way…

I’m ashamed to say!