Shy Bladder HQ

I almost peed at a urinal today.

ALMOST!

I was right there… I could feel it. So close. It felt so good…

You see, it’s Movie Day. My friends (one of them being Mike my Pee Buddy) go to see Homefront with Jason Statham and James Franco (Awesome Movie go see it!).

I had already told Mike before we left that I WAS going to go in that bathroom at the Movie Theater (I still need to accomplish my 3 Public Bathroom Desensitizations this week). That bathroom was the bathroom that I failed to enter last week. I wimped out!

Well this week I made up my mind that I wasn’t going to back down. I was going to force myself to go in no matter what!

So Sure Enough…

After the movie ends, we’re walking down the hall and I see the Men’s Room coming up on the right. Mike is actually behind me, and at this point, I don’t care if he goes in or not. I’M GOING IN!

As the entrance approaches, I tell the ladies to “Wait up, I need to use the bathroom!“

They wait

As I enter, there’s this really old man in front of me. He’s walking down the center of the hall so I can’t just bolt around him. He’s moving really, really slow, almost down to a crawl, and I’m just kind of patiently shuffling behind him. I glance back and see another guy is behind me, and Mike is behind him. We’re on the slow train!

The old guy finally gets into the bathroom, around the corner, and he zig-zags in the direction towards the urinals and stalls. I don’t know what he’s doing or where he’s going. I’m just waiting for him to make up his mind.

It was almost Comical

Finally he turns towards the second (last) stall in the corner.

All the urinals were empty (there were 5 of them), so I head to the last urinal. The guy behind me takes #3. Mike takes #1 (closest to the sinks).

As I walk up to the urinal and unzip, I hold my breath (just like I have in practice for the past few weeks)…

Now I didn’t really have a strong urge to go. It was one of those I could have or I could wait pees…

Nothing Pressing!

I tried anyway.

I held my breath and waited.

And, as I held my breath, I could actually feel the urge begin. I might be able to go. Cool!

Feeling like I could pee made me continue to hold my breath even more. If I feel like I could, I’m really gonna try…

As I’m waiting there trying to pee, I see urinal #3 flush and head to the sinks. Then Mike does the same.

Now it’s just me! GREAT!

The guy behind me in the stall is dropping bombs, and all of a sudden a guy in a wheel chair comes rolling into the john and maneuvers into stall #1 (the handicapped stall)… I think briefly about the fact that there were only 2 stalls and the guy in front of me took the first one. Normally I (as a Paruretic) would have grabbed the only stall left, so that would have sucked to have taken this guys stall. I’m happy I didn’t and went to the urinals instead. :)

Mike and the other guy dry their hands and leave. Now it’s just me and the stall guys. And, the urge to pee is getting stronger and stronger.

It dawns on me that I really am this close to peeing. I’m right there! Right on the edge…

Breath Hold felt like it did in practice. Last year when I tried Breath Hold in a stall, I was too anxious to even hold my breath. But now, after desensitizing so much, I don’t feel as anxious (since I didn’t even have a strong urge to pee) and am able to hold my breath pretty well.

The problem is…

My friends were waiting!

How weird would it look for me to stay in there for another 3 minutes while Mike is already done and gone… (Damn, why’d he bolt so fast?)

I knew I could pee if I had more time. If the clock wasn’t ticking and people weren’t waiting I would have.

But I didn’t!

I flushed, zipped, washed, and left the bathroom.

Why?

Because they were waiting and time constraints really do apply too much pressure on me. If it were just Mike and I, I would have stayed in there longer and been able to pee.

I know I could have, and that knowing makes me feel great!

It was just everyone else waiting and looking at their watches and shifting their feet… That’s the reason I bailed. But it’s insane to think I was right there!

I felt it. It could have happened.

And even though I didn’t pee, I still felt great. This is the first time that I’ve attempted Breath Hold in a public bathroom in a very long time. And it’s the first time that I actually felt like it would work!

That’s Mind Blowing!

Mentally it’s saying to myself “THIS WILL WORK!” It will!

You now have proof!

All you need is just a little bit more time. That’s all!

30 Seconds… 1 Minute… And you’ll be peeing!

That’s awesome!

I wake up early in the morning, grab my coffee and head to the john.

I leave the door wide open and instantly start to pee.

Mike walks by and glances in and says:

You still need a Pee Buddy?”

“Nah” I say “I believe I’m as desensitized as I can be!“

An hour later I’m leaving the house and eating a Donut at Tim Hortons.

I use the bathroom there with no problems and make my way out to the car with a Large French Vanilla Cappuccino. “YUM!”

I’ve already downed two cups of coffee as it is, and now this coffee will probably give me the shakes on the plane. HA!

I laugh at this thinking I won’t get any sleep!

I take the hour long drive to the airport (I’m taking a 4 hour flight to Vegas for some fun Sky Diving!).

I chug my coffee.

I can’t wait to jump feet first…

1/2 way to the airport, I stop off at the Reststop and walk into the men’s bathroom.

It smells bad in there. All the stalls are full. 2 guys are peeing at the urinals. 3 more are at the sinks and dryers. A lot of commotion!

As I enter half of them glare at me!

I step up to the center urinal as I hold my breath. For the past few days I’ve been able to pee while holding my breath, so there’s no better place to practice than here…

And wouldn’t you know it…

I start to pee 40 seconds in!

I slowly inhale so no one knows that I was holding my breath. I pee until my bladder is empty! I’m a happy guy!

That’s how you get things done!

I get back to the car and arrive at the airport 1/2 hour later. I’m a little anxious about the flight, but I love the take offs. That thrill is unlike any other…

After I check in, I grab another drink at Starbucks. I sit near the window at my gate.

I ponder Breath Hold briefly, smile, and wonder if it will work in the airport bathroom and then on the plane? (some of my biggest fears and phobias)

I decide to give it a try!

I head to the bathroom and have to wait for a urinal to open up. The last urinal next to the stalls does. I walk by one creepy guy who won’t stop staring at me. I ignore him and position myself at the plate. I hold my breath and wait.

This time, to my surprise, I actually start to pee just 30 seconds in. I’m almost floored.

I peed a little, hesitated for a second when the feet under the stall moved, then continued to pee full force.

Ahhhhhhh!!!! Relief!

I’m so proud of myself!

Then the real test is left: The airplane!

I board the plane right on time. I’ve been drinking a lot of water and as soon as the plane is in the air I NEED to pee!

I head to the back of the plane where there’s already a line forming. Everyone’s standing there, looking at each other, not saying a word. AWKWARD!

Finally it’s my turn!

I go in, close the rickety door and see that there’s a small gap in the door frame. I can actually see the Stewardess in red pushing her cart down the aisle.

“Don’t let it get to you” I think “No one cares if you pee. Everyone pees! It’s no big deal! Just pee!”

And since I really NEEDED to pee, I turned around, unzipped, held my breath, hung onto the wall for support (the plane was rocking)…

And that’s about the time that I hear someone trying to get in the door. The latch was rapping and the hinge was screaming… REALLY??? Can’t you read ASS HOLE!

I take another deep breath, let it go, and 30 seconds later I’m peeing!

It just happened!

I peed on the plane!

Breath Hold worked like a charm.

Once I touched down in Vegas (3 hours later), I head straight for the hotel and the slot machines. YES!

I stick my token in, punch the button and BINGO, I WIN $1,000,000!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Fuck me!

And that’s when I woke up!

It was all a dream!

Groan! (Are you fucking kidding me? YES! Yes I am!)

This is a dream of mine now, to pee freely with Breath Hold, anytime, anywhere… But with practice, this dream really could become a reality.

It’s funny how you can do things and accomplish things in your dream that you normally never would.

The mind does play tricks!

But this trick WILL COME TRUE!

Paruresis will be beaten!

Now… If only I could hit that “JACKPOT!“

For real!

Half of the Day (Day 43) is spent Desensitizing with my Pee Buddy Mike and practicing Breath Hold (BH).

I’ve been holding my breath longer and longer, until I finally pee.

Even when I think I can’t hold it any longer, I keep holding it and pretty much on all practice attempts, I do end up peeing.

I don’t know if I’m peeing because of Breath Hold, or if I just needed to pee. Is there a way to tell the difference?

I’ll keep practicing and peeing and see where it gets me.

Tonight…

Tonight I went out to eat with some friends, then we all headed to the zoo. And the funny thing is, I notice as the night went on, that I’m still doing many Paruretic things.

For Example…

Knowing that I was going out later (for most of the night), I stopped drinking liquids early on so I wouldn’t have to pee later.

I also made 2 or 3 bathroom trips before I left out the door just to empty my bladder as much as possible.

Then at dinner, I only drank a couple of sips of iced tea. Just enough to quench my thirst, but no more.

Everyone else is chugging beers, downing 3 or 4, and I’m still on 1/4 cup…

I definitely don’t want the urge to pee…

Everyone else uses the bathroom at the restaurant before we drive to the zoo.

NOT ME

I patiently wait for them cursing myself the entire time.

We get to the zoo and it’s cold out. 30° (not good if you have to pee – which thankfully I don’t).

Halfway through the zoo, everyone stops for Hot Chocolate. They all order Larges, I order a Small (I don’t want to push my bladder limits).

They all stop later at the restroom. They all pee. I’m the only one who waits outside, in the cold, watching everyone else enter and leave relieved. Sigh!

Me and my Shy Bladder ways!

Will I always be like this?

Will I ever get to the point where I can drink as much as I want? Not have to worry if I leave the house with a full bladder? Not have to worry where to pee or when to pee???

It’s such a crazy thing to dwell over.

But here I am, carefully sipping my hot chocolate and hoping that my bladder doesn’t start a knocking…

All I want is a normal life

I don’t want to worry about peeing. I want it to be second nature. When you have to go, you just go!

Little by little I’m making progress. But are you ever fully separated from Paruresis?

Or will it haunt me until the day I die?

Working with my Pee Buddy is interesting. I still find somethings more difficult than others.

Like Today, I have to pee. Mike follows me to the bathroom. I stand at the toilet. He stands next to me and acts like he’s peeing.

Only this time, he’s looking down!

I know he’s looking at his hands, or shoes, or floor, or nothing at all… (and a lot of people DO look down when they pee – you gotta aim), but with him staring downwards like that, it makes me self-conscious. It makes me feel like he could be staring at me…

I know he’s NOT, but it’s in my head that he could.

He was standing like that Yesterday too. I ignored it then. But Today, as I stand there trying to not think about it, it’s actually all I could think about. It kept me from peeing.

ARG!!!!!!

Crazy Thoughts! Crazy Things!

Will I ever think normally?

I tell Mike to not look down. He looks directly at me for a second, then turns and looks in front of him.

Why do I let these things bug me?

He looks forward, I finally pee. Easy as that!

I’m insane. I know it!

Tonight I’m going to the Museum and out to eat at a fine restaurant. It shall be a lonnnnng night!

I’ve already stopped drinking liquids hours ago…

And even though I met my goals for the week (3 public bathrooms desensitizations), I actually am going to push myself more and venture into that restaurant bathroom as well.

I go to that fine restaurant a lot. I know the manager and most of the employees there. Knowing people who could use the bathroom always ups the anxiety. But I want to stand at the urinal there for the first time in my life. It’s just something I have to do.

Can I do it?

I’ll let you know in about 5 hours… 5 hours and counting…

The Results

I’m home. It’s midnight. And guess what?

I stepped up to that urinal

That’s right. I went into that bathroom tonight and stood at the urinal for 3 full minutes. And as I stood there in the empty bathroom, only one other person came in, washed their hands and left. That’s it! WOW!

And since I was alone in the restroom the whole time, I actually tried to see if I could pee. I tried seeing if I could build an urge to go. But NOPE! I had no desire whatsoever. Darn!

So it was a pretty uneventful bathroom visit. But hey, I went and I stood at the urinal, and that’s a huge task for me.

For the first time in my life, I can actually see this desensitizing thing working. I can actually see how forcing myself into these uncomfortable situations is changing my perspective and it’s becoming more easier for me to deal with.

It could work!

Bathrooms are not so scary as they once were ???

Now all I have to do is pee!

LOL

That’s all, right?

My goal for the week of visiting 3 Public Bathrooms, standing at 3 urinals for 3 full minutes is finished!

Goal Accomplished!

Today, I walked into Meijers and step into the men’s restroom. There are 2 urinals and 2 stalls.

One guy is at the first urinal and one guy is in the last stall (making weird noises).

I walk up to the 2nd urinal, unzip and wait.

The guy at the first urinal is quiet. It doesn’t sound like he’s peeing (maybe he’s pee shy like me?). In fact, it’s so quiet in there you could hear a pin drop. Why don’t they play music in bathrooms???

It makes everything very uncomfortable!!!

Finally the guy next to me pisses, and that’s about the same time as the guy in the stall starts making crazy grunting and gasping noises (I figure he’s constipated).

I’m just standing there minding my ole business…

The Door Opens

A guy walks in and goes to the only available spot: the first stall. I can see his feet under the partition. He’s peeing. He pees really loud and fast.

The guy next to me finishes up, flushes and heads to the sink.

Another guy enters and makes his way to the first urinal. The guy in the last stall is still grunting and gasping…

Urinal #1 is FAST and pees like a race horse. He makes his way to the sink while the other guy is now drying his hands.

The sound of the water and dryer makes the bathroom a much more pleasant atmosphere to be in.

Another guy enters as the first stall empties out (bye bye gasper). The door opens and closes a couple of more times…

This is a happening place!

Stall #1 washes up as someone steps up to the urinal beside me.

All the while I’m standing, shifting, trying to look inconspicuous. I hope no one notices… I look down like I’m peeing…

For a second, I actually felt like I could pee. WHAT??? I didn’t really have an urge, but if I did have to go, I probably could have.

The urinals had good dividers between them, so it wasn’t so bad standing there. I can tell I’m feeling more comfortable with them.

3 Minutes…

After my 3 minutes were up, I washed and left and no one had any clue (or if they did, they didn’t say anything).

That takes care of my goals for the week. I’m so happy I accomplished them, I was beginning to wonder…

It makes me feel so good!

I think the 3 bathrooms, 3 urinals is a good goal to have. It’s just enough to fulfill without having to go out of my way. And it’s forcing me to enter bathrooms that I would normally steer clear of. Granted, as you’ve read this week, I’m not comfortable going into ALL bathrooms, like the Theater… But I am making progress.

One step at a time!

Right?

It’s Day 40 in my Shy Bladder Recovery.

Yesterday I had a perfect opportunity to Desensitize in a public bathroom, sadly, it’s where the bathroom was that’s the problem!

It was in the Theater!

My friends and I were at a Live Performance (which I love, but it fills me with anxiety). The lobby was full of people waiting to get in.

Mike (my Pee Buddy) grabs a drink and says that he needs to use the bathroom before we get seated. Kay holds his drink while he goes in. He comes out a few minutes later and kind of mumbles to me off to the side “You should go, there’s only one person in there“.

I ponder this briefly and almost start to go. After all, this week is half over and I have yet to meet one single goal (3 Bathrooms, 3 Urinals, 3 Full Minutes).

I didn’t plan on going here because Theater Bathrooms are high on my FEAR list!

But Only 1 Other Guy?

I can deal with that. What are the odds?

I almost start walking, but something stops me…

I see two guys, two friends no doubt, chatting together and heading towards the men’s room. They were laughing and had no problems going in together, nor, probably chatting while they peed at the urinals.

It’s a No-Go!

I stand there frozen and don’t even try. Those 2 guys going in at the same time intimidated me and applied too much pressure on me. Surely they would notice that I’m just standing there awkwardly not pissing…

I couldn’t do it!

So that brings us to today…

It’s now Thursday and the weekend is drawing near. I still need to accomplish my goals!

I’m running errands, picking up Toys for the Local Kid’s Charity, Christmas lights (how can every single strand of lights be burnt out?), Gifts, Cards…

So in my quest, I go to Target. And as soon as I head in the door, I turn towards the bathrooms. I open the men’s door and what do I see?

One guy is drying his hands. I hear someone in the last stall, and the two urinals are vacant. Sweet!

I go up to the big boy Urinal (the tall one) and stand there to desensitize.

That’s when the guy in the last stall moans loudly and that is followed by the most disgusting sounds I have ever heard… Like a fire hydrant exploding…

I seriously wanted to run, vomit, and never look back!

NASTY!

2 other guys walk in (welcome). One brave soul heads to the first stall as the other steps up to the urinal beside me. Both guys start peeing almost instantly. The guy in the stall pees really loud and fast (like Mike).

The door opens again, someone else enters. I can actually see his reflection in the pipes on the urinal (the man in blue). He is waiting behind us.

The guy at the urinal finishes and walks away (it’s auto-flush) and the guy waiting fills the spot and pees.

Another guy enters. There’s guys everywhere. It’s a sausage fest!

All the urinals and stalls are full. There’s a guy at the sink, and now a new guys enters… Oh great!

He waits patiently (I tell myself that if he has to wait more than 30 seconds I’ll leave, I don’t want to torture the guy, that’s not cool). But the guy at the urinal is fast and moves away.

The next guy steps up!

The last stall empties out (the guy who died in there), and then the grossest thing happened (and I thought what he did in there was gross), but noooooo…

He walks right out of the bathroom and doesn’t wash his hands. WTF!!!!

I close my eyes and think about touching the bathroom door handle… OH GOD NO!

I feel sick! (Note to self, use a paper towel to open the bathroom doors from now on!)

I look down at my watch and see that it’s been 3 minutes. COOL! Mission accomplished! I’m outta there! I step back, zip, wash and leave. WHEW!

That was scary. What a busy, busy bathroom (and on the last visit it was practically empty!)

On the way home I make one more stop:

Menards!

So as soon as I walk in, it’s bathroom time. I head straight for the johns. I have to do it and get it over with so I don’t ponder or worry about it too much!

I go in and see one guy is in the furthest stall, another guy is leaving the second stall, someone is at the dryers, someone else is at the sink, and the 3 urinals are empty! COOL BEANS!

I step up to the first one (last time I took the 3rd one). I stand there and take it all in. My heart is racing, I don’t know what to expect…

One guy enters and heads to the empty stall. Someone else leaves. So now it’s just me, stall guys, and a guy drying his hands. I wait for someone to come up to the urinals… It’s bound to happen.

NOPE! It never does!

I even waited there for 4 Full Minutes and not one single guy came in to pee.

It’s crazy how bathrooms are so random. You just never know what the traffic will be like.

I finally decide to zip, wash and leave. Bathroom #2 is accomplished!

Granted I would have loved to at least had one other guy pee at the urinals, but it wasn’t happening today.

What’s so funny about all this desensitization is my thought process… I actually thought to myself while I was standing there, that if I keep this up, sooner or later I WILL PEE!

It’s inevitable!

If I’m just standing there, bored, doing this time and time again, I’m sure at some point I will pee. How could I not? Especially if I’m not thinking about it, nor worried if I pee or not. I actually believe I could! That’s a crazy thing to think!

I only need to do 1 more bathroom this week. That I love!

Until then, I’m still peeing with my Pee Buddy at home. He’s still standing next to me, side by side at the toilet as I urinate.

Every day it gets a little bit easier. Who would have thunk?

Someday I will pee in a urinal (not like my fluke)! And that day, I will be very, very happy!

Someday, Someday!

Let’s go over all the steps I have taken so far to get where I am today…

It’s interesting to see the journey progress!

After finally admitting to my Best Friend Mike (of 17 years) that I’m Pee Shy (Paruresis), I decided to do something about it. Take a stand and recover!

Not only to recover, but to blog about my experiences, successes and failures along the way.

So I started this online journal (ShyBladderHQ.com) so people could see step by step what’s happened and why. I’m so happy I did…

See where it all began in: I’m Pee Shy

Where Paruresis all Started

My many attempts to diagnose where my Shy Bladder began has resulted into many, many posts:

• Where my Pee Shyness Began
• Girl Scouts and Me
• Embarrassed by my Dick

Just to name a few…

These were tough to write. Digging deep into your past and childhood is not an easy thing. It often brought me to tears!

I Start to Research

I bought Shy Bladder Books on Amazon and I read everything I could.

The first book was called “Shy Bladder Syndrome” and I wrote about it here: No One Cares If I Pee. I was fascinated by the fact that I was not alone! In fact, 7% of the population has some form of Paruresis to some extent. I had no idea. I’ve never run across anyone else like me…

See how Secretive we are?

On 12-29-2011 I introduced you to my Best Friend (and now my Pee Buddy) Mike in a post called If I could Pee like that (he pees like a racehorse). And as he says “Oh well, that’s how I pee!” (love that attitude!)

Since my friend Mike lives with me, and we’ve known each other forever, it just seemed fitting to bring up the “Pee Buddy” conversation with him. I would casually hint about it and chat about my condition, but he still had no idea how deep rooted my fears really went. It’s not an easy subject to talk about. “So, you want me to Watch you Pee?“

YouTube Videos

Doing more research on Paruresis led me to a couple of websites and videos that helped me out a lot.

In I Am Not Alone I find Youtube Videos on a Channel called “Paruresis Exposed“. That led me to watching Max and Dominic demonstrate the Breath Hold Technique. (which is also the day I start practicing Breath Hold) WOW! They make it look so effortless and amazing! Does Breath Hold really work?

I also found the Paruresis.org (International Paruresis Association – IPA) website and signed up with the forums (my username is “PeeShyRichard“).

I also ran across more Vids on YouTube from Dava A (Paruretic Dave), which led me to his personal website called Paruretic.org. Dave does a lot of Gradual Expose Therapy (great Vids) and Self Catheterization. Yowza is right!

More Paruresis Books

I purchase more books on Paruresis, this one called “Pee Shy to Pee Free“. That’s a MUST buy book! (especially since there isn’t a lot written about shy bladder).

Reading makes me realize that my condition is “MILD“, and many guys and gals have it much, much worse. Some people can’t even pee in the safety of their own home if someone else is in the house. That’s extreme! Read about my condition here: A Mild Case of Paruresis.

Another Video

I connect with Dominic M and got him to create a new Shy Bladder Video here: A New Paruresis Video. As much as all the books and videos are helping me, they all point to one main objective:

Get a Pee Buddy!

As much as I really think about this whole Pee Buddy thing, it terrifies me. I see that I’m not ready to go there yet. Plus, Mike’s reaction to all of this (“Are you Serious?“) is shocking, but to be expected from someone who has no problems peeing. Sigh! Read: I’m Not Ready for a Pee Buddy!.

Continuing on with my Breath Hold practice brings up some interesting conversation, and ONE HUGE BREAK THROUGH: I’m now making NOISE when I pee! I’m no longer peeing on the side of the quiet toilet bowl and am now peeing directly in the center making loud splashing noises! That’s a huge step for me! Read about it here: Breath Hold Practice.

Is Paruresis Hereditary?

A crazy thing I just learned on 02-02-2012 was that my Sister has some form of Paruresis as well. She admitted it to me in a crazy phone conversation here: My Sister has Paruresis

That was eye-opening! And what’s even MORE eye-opening? This new book that I’m reading called Bathrooms Make Me Nervous. That book really hit me hard. It woke me up. This line from her book about how often you should practice floored me. Her response was “How soon do you want to recover?” That’s Deep! Read about it here in my post How Soon do you want to Recover?.

Those books led me to create my very own Bathroom Exposure Ranking List, which I suggest you do the same (0-10 {the least to the most} things you fear about peeing in public bathrooms).

I peed in a busy bathroom after the movies in this post: A line out the bathroom door. That was an amazing experience, but it was also where my progress stopped!

I Gave Up!

You see, I gave up, I stopped practicing Breath Hold (after 3 weeks), I stopped forcing myself to go into public bathrooms, and I was too scared to ask Mike to commit to being my Pee Buddy. I felt like I was at a stand still and defeated. I gave up! I failed. I went back into my Paruresis Closet and shut the door for a very, very long time.

It was Horrible!

This failure lasted for 1 1/2 years, and in fact, if it wasn’t for me moving this blog to a new server (Bluehost to 1&1), then I still may have been in that helpless rut.

Moving my blog made me re-read my progress and see how close I was before I lost it all.

It also made me see what I had to gain!

I took a good long look in the mirror and decided to start it all up again. And that, was the beginning of my real recovery… And of course, my Pee Buddy!

As time goes on, I talked more about my Pee Shyness with Mike. I gradually felt comfortable exposing my Phobias to him (he thought he knew me).

It’s actually pretty cool, because now he helps me out. It got to the point where he’d let me know if he thinks I could use a public bathroom or not. Imagine that! Read: Bathroom Alert.

I battle with asking Mike to be my Pee Buddy though. I know I NEED to, but it’s so difficult to comprehend. Read: Recovery Procrastination.

Book Review

If you’re thinking about purchasing any of the books on Paruresis, read my post here: Shy Bladder Books.

I hit rock bottom with my Paruresis battles and finally get to the breaking point because I feel like I’m making no progress.

I see that I have NO OPTIONS LEFT and MUST get a Pee Buddy if I want to move forward. Read: Why Me?

In my journey of awareness, I discuss the common cures and recovery steps of Paruresis in my post here: 4 Cures for Paruresis.

After constant debate with myself, I come to this reality: It’s all in my head!

In fact, in my post It’s all in your Head, I talk with Mike about him becoming my Pee Buddy. He forces my hand and makes me face my fears, and that one line, that one line “That’s all in your head!” is what started the ball rolling.

That was the beginning of my Pee Buddy!

A couple of days later (October 13th, 2013) it starts…

Read how Gradual Expose began with me in My Pee Buddy Begins.

Gradual Expose Therapy

Now we get into the actual Exposure Steps (October 14th, 2013). Day 1 Mike stands on the other side of the closed bathroom door. I Peed with Success!

On Day 2 I crack the bathroom door open slightly. I get interesting results! Day 2 also has Mike standing in the open bathroom doorway facing out! (in just 2 days, who would have known?)

I start Desensitizing in Public Bathrooms on Day 3. It’s one of the very few times in my entire life that I’ve ever stood at a urinal! SCARY!

Exposure Therapy Day 6 positions Mike BEHIND me in the bathroom as I pee at the toilet (facing away from me).

Day 8 has Mike stand behind me FACING ME as I Pee with Success! WOW!

I PEED IN A URINAL!

13 Days into my GED, I peed in a urinal for the first time EVER! It happened on vacation quite unexpectedly. It does show me that there is HOPE and that I can beat this phobia. Read my awesome success story here: I Peed at a Urinal

Breath Hold Practice Resumes

I start up Breath Hold Practice again on Day 24.

I set myself some Public Bathroom Desensitization Goals here: Public Bathroom Goals. I don’t like it, since walking into Public Bathrooms really get me anxious, but I know I need to if I want to recover.

The following week (after my success) I up the ante: 3 Bathrooms, 3 Urinals, 3 Minutes each! Read about it here: Day 31.

I try some different Breath Hold Techniques here on Day 33.

I finally move my Pee Buddy up on Day 36! He’s now standing beside me at the toilet as I pee, like we’re standing at urinals. Who would have imagine this 2 months ago? It’s crazy to even think about.

So that’s pretty much it!

That’s where I stand right now. It’s not over yet… I have a long way to go. But it’s fascinating to see where I’ve come and I’m very excited about where I’m going.

Some days it’s a roller coaster ride, but I’m heading in the right direction.

I’m so happy that I started this website to document it all. I’m also happy that you’re reading it!

Everything is possible with time and patience… and a Pee Buddy!

So let’s Recap:

• 12/20/2011 – I Start Writing about my Pee Shyness
• 12/23/2011 – I Buy Books about Shy Bladder
• 12/29/2011 – I Talk to my Best Friend about what a “Pee Buddy” is
• 1/02/2012 – I Watch Videos and Start Breath Hold
• 1/02/2012 – I Join the Forums and reach out to other Paruretics
• 1/24/2012 – I Start making NOISES when I pee
• 2/15/2012 – I Create a Bathroom Exposure Ranking List
• 4/1/2012 – I Peed in a Busy Bathroom
• 8/26/2013 – I Start Writing about Shy Bladder again
• 10/11/2013 – I Decide to get a Pee Buddy
• 10/13/2013 – I Set a “Start Date” with my Pee Buddy
• 10/14/2013 – My Pee Buddy Begins outside the Bathroom Door
• 10/15/2013 – I Crack the Door open as I Pee
• 10/16/2013 – I Stand at a Public Urinal to Desensitize
• 10/20/2013 – Mike Stands Behind me facing away as I Pee
• 10/22/2013 – Mike Stands Behind me facing towards me as I Pee
• 11/5/2013 – I Pee in a Urinal for the very first time
• 11/20/2013 – I Begin Breath Hold Practice Again
• 11/22/2013 – I Set some Public Bathroom Goals
• 12/2/2013 – I Stand beside my Pee Buddy as I Pee

And that’s where I am today!

Awesome isn’t it?

Let’s see what Tomorrow brings… :)

All day long I pee with my Pee Buddy.

It’s funny when we go into the bathroom (at home), Mike never knows where to stand. Or as he says “I’m so confused” LOL

I now make him stand at the toilet with me almost shoulder to shoulder (like we would at urinals).

I pee successfully this way on all accounts!

My peeing is still varied though, sometimes it’s quick, other times we stand there for a boring 3 minutes or so. But, I’m not letting time bother me much any more. It is what it is.

Now if other things didn’t bother me so much, I’d be good…

Like walking into a Public Bathroom!

It’s Tuesday, 3 Days into the new week (and 37 Days into my recovery) and I haven’t accomplished any of my weekly goals yet (walking into Public Bathrooms and Desensitizing at a Urinal).

It’s NOT happening!

I need to turn things up a notch if I want to meet my targets!

Mike says “just walk into the Krogers bathroom every time we go in…” (we go into Krogers pretty much every day since it’s diagonal from our house).

I remind him that I’d prefer it be 3 different bathrooms…

But actually, right now, I’d probably settle for ONE!

I SOOOOO wanted to do my bathroom visit today. I wanted to use the bathroom at the movie theater (Hunger Games Catching Fire – Awesome!) I even told Mike earlier, before we left, that I would go to the bathroom after the movie. I didn’t plan on staying the full 3 minutes (as my goal really states) because we were with female companions and that would look odd and feel awkward “He’s taking so long!“

So even if I went in for just an average pee time (one minute), I’d be happy!

Mike nods. He gets it!

I assumed he would go to the bathroom with me, since he generally does after the movies… Everyone pees after the movies, right?

I was WRONG!

After the movie ends, we empty the theater and start down the long hall to the exit. The Men’s Restroom is coming up on the right.

The girls are in front chatting and I’m walking slightly behind Mike. I know what’s coming…

I really did plan on using the Men’s Room with Mike today. I had it all worked out…

But the girls are moving fast and Mike is moving just as fast as them ??? It runs through my mind that he doesn’t need to go. Oh no!

We start to pass the entrance and I slow… Mike glances back like “Are you going in?” and I half smirk and give him the eye…

The girls are sill walking on, so is Mike, he’s not even slowing.

I’m fighting my Inner Demons!

This is not what I imagined… I see the hallway is busy. Guys are coming and going in the john, and Mike’s looking at me like “What are you going to do?“

For me to accomplish this, I would now have to call loudly to the girls “Hold up, Wait!“

Mike’s already past looking back at me, and then everyone would have to stop and stare…

Like I’m on display!

I feel panic. My heart is racing. Tension floods over me. I can see how uncomfortable that situation would be. My Paruresis is screaming “Don’t do it! It would draw attention to yourself. They would see the scared look on your face. They’d see you sheepishly enter and leave the bathroom (like a dog with his tail between his legs). They’d know what you were doing (NOT peeing!)”

Mike’s still looking at me, questioning “Make up your mind!“

The girls are ten feet in front now and what do I do?

I BUCKLE!

I wave my hand for Mike to keep going. I frown at disgust in myself. I feel beaten. “Go!” I mumble to Mike. We keep walking…

I failed miserably!

I couldn’t walk into the bathroom. There was too much pressure. DAMN IT!!!!

What is so different and scary about a public bathroom versus a home bathroom?

I can pee right next to Mike, but yet I can’t even step foot in a public restroom? I just don’t get it!

Why is it so difficult to me?

What really happened inside a public bathroom that so traumatized me? Will I ever know?

I have 4 days left to accomplish my goal… and 3 of those days are crammed with huge, huge events:

• 1 Live Play
• 1 Charity Event
• 1 Museum Exhibit
• 1 Dinner at a Fine Restaurant

It’s a pretty busy week! And, there aren’t too many options left for my “pretend” peeing. Most of these places are places that I won’t attempt yet.

They scare the Crap outta me!

Live Theater Performances are awesome, but there are so many people, and they all rush to the bathrooms at the same time during intermission. You have 3 minutes left to void or we shut the doors on you… And then you have the small marble bathrooms with bright lights and a line out the open door… NO WAY! That ain’t going to happen!

I’d rather just die!

So will I meet my goals?

Only time will tell!

I’m all over the board with my trials and tribulations. Some things go well, others, down the drain!

Like peeing with my Pee Buddy Today, IT WASN’T A FLUKE!

I WAS able to pee side by side with Mike at the toilet with me.

He didn’t pee, but pretended he was (which at times were hilarious!)

But all times I peed! And I peed in broad daylight. It didn’t change matters. All worked well!

But what took a Nose Dive?

Breath Hold!

For day 37 in my home desensitization, you’d think that I’d start to get a handle on this. But actually, I didn’t do one Breath Hold all day!

NOT ONE!

I was too concerned with peeing next to my Pee Buddy to think of anything else. Preoccupied!

Pee Buddy = 1 Breath Hold = 0

And what about my Public Bathroom Goal? (You know, to visit 3 Public Bathrooms and stand at 3 Urinals for 3 minutes)

Well, I missed a lot of opportunities today!

Yesterday I didn’t go out anywhere, but today, I was all over town. I could have used plenty of Public Restrooms like: Office Max, Big Lots, Krogers, Walgreens, and the Restaurant I ate at. But that gets a big fat ZERO as well!

Paruresis really is Hit and Miss!

I didn’t step foot into any one of those bathrooms. I thought about it. Mike even brought it up when he used one and asked me if I needed to go…

What did I say?

NOPE!

DOH!

I need to work on that. It’s so difficult for me to force myself. It’s so uncomfortable! But I must do it! I have to!

Where’s my Courage now?

Any clue?

It’s Day 36 and I’m working on Breath Hold (BH) more and more.

I hold my breath as long as I can while attempting to pee, and then I hold it some more.

I know those last couple of seconds are crucial to getting results and mastering the Breath Hold Technique. So I’m pushing it as far as I can.

I’ve also been varying my BH and trying different things throughout the day:

• Letting out all the air in my lungs
• Letting out all the air, and then still blowing some more out
• Exhaling small short breaths every couple of seconds
• Taking a very deep breath and holding it

You Name it!

I’m Testing it!

I have peed while holding my breath several times today. But, like most of these successful times, I was alone so there was no great pressure or fear of peeing.

But I did make one huge breath through and advancement today…

I looked my Pee Buddy in the eye!

That’s right. I finally upped the ante…

Tonight, after supper, I went to the bathroom to pee with my Pee Buddy Mike. But this time, as he came into the bathroom to take his normal position behind me, I stopped him. I told him to stand at the toilet next to me and pretend like he was peeing (like we’re at urinals).

But, since the toilet is oval, we ended up not standing side by side as you would expect, instead, he was on the side of the toilet and I was in front, so he was at a 90° angle to me. His shoulder was almost up against mine and his face was facing towards the toilet and me.

And even though he was facing forward, I could see his eyes moving around. In fact, many times I’d glance over and see him staring at me. Which made me stare back even more. This is Crazy!

I could read it in his eyes “Are you going to Pee?“

This is the first time that I’ve ever tried peeing while looking someone in the eyes. It’s very unnerving.

And Guess What?

I Peed!

I’m still floored by it. But I was actually able to pee with Mike inches away and looking at me. That’s crazy. Maybe all this desensitization has just made me so comfortable peeing around Mike that it’s not useful anymore? Who knows? Could I actually pee doing this with a total stranger? Probably not!

I will also state that the lights were off in the bathroom, so it was fairly dark in there, except for a small nightlight.

Who knows how daylight and a bright bathroom will change things?

Will I still be able to go?

That’s what a Month of Pee Buddy Practice has brought me… Face to face with my fears!

So Good Job! Congrats on standing tall!

Now I need to keep this up and desensitize in public restrooms.

That’s the real test!

This Week’s Goals

My Goal again this week is 3 Public Bathrooms and 3 Urinals! I don’t have to actually use them to pee, but I just need to get comfortable being there.

Step by step!

It’s not easy, but I’ll get there! :)