Shy Bladder HQ

I like to think that I’m slowly recovering from Paruresis.

After all, I’ve been doing all sorts of things that would lead one to believe I am:

• I’ve been working with a Pee Buddy (Mike) for 35 Days now
• I’ve been forcing myself to Desensitize in Public Bathrooms
• I’ve gotten to the point where my Pee Buddy is standing directly behind me as I pee (Inches away – at Home)
• I’ve been practicing Breath Hold Techniques with various results
• I’ve been able to pee in a urinal for the first time in my life (just a couple of weeks ago)

So I ask you…

Am I Recovering?

Let me take a step back and analyze this more:

• I still CAN’T pee normally at a urinal (that ONE time was a fluke, it wasn’t busy, no one came in)
• I am very hit or miss with Breath Hold. I still feel like I don’t quite fully understand it. Something’s missing
• I can pee with my Pee Buddy behind me, but haven’t gotten up the courage to have him stand next to me (like we’re at urinals)

So am I really Curing Myself?

Granted, I have gone into more public bathrooms in the last 2 weeks than I have probably all year.

So that should account for something!

And I am peeing in front of someone, I would have never imagined that 2 months ago.

So I am making some progress!

But when will I be able to really pee in a urinal in a busy restroom? I still wonder if that’s even feasible.

How long does this Recovery take?

I understand it’s a lifetime of fears and phobias that I need to sort out, but is it fool proof? Is there a chance that it won’t work and it will never work on me?

Am I the Fool?

When will I know? Will it just happen? Will it all just click into place and “Poof” I’m peeing?

It’s such a tough, uncertain road I’m taking. It took me 18 months just to get enough courage to begin.

And now that I’ve begun how do I know that I’m even on the right path?

Am I desensitizing myself enough where eventually it will work? Is there any proof in that? Or am I just wasting my time, and my bladder shall remain locked for life?

Questions Questions!

I wish I had the Answers!

What’s next? What do I do?

Continue doing everything that I’m doing and hope that a month down the road things will change? I actually don’t feel like I’ve got a choice in the matter. After all, I’ve come this far. It’s too late to back down now.

I want to recover and the only way to do that is to keep moving forward.

So chin up. Keep practicing. It will get better…

It has to!

I’ve been practicing Breath Hold in my at-home desensitization for 10 days now (and this is day 34 in my Pee Shy Recovery).

10 days and some days Breath Hold seems to be working, other days, like Yesterday, not so much (does being stuffed with Turkey Dinner make it harder to hold your breath? lol).

Yesterday, no matter how many times I tried to hold my breath, it just wasn’t long enough.

Granted, my Pee Buddy Mike was there on all attempts, so that does add more pressure to piss!

Plus, many times when he is present, I don’t want to try Breath Hold because all it seems to do is to prevent me from peeing for an extra minute or so. Once I stop holding my breath, I can then pee. Odd!

Is it because I’m thinking more about holding my breath, and less about the task of urination?

These things drive me crazy!

I just need to keep practicing is all… Especially since it takes so long to perfect.

Everyone that I’ve spoke with who has successfully accomplished the Breath Hold Technique has stated that it takes a good month or two of practice to master!

One Whole Month?

TWO?

That’s a long time! (Then again, I am up against a lifetime of bad behaviors!)

But then I think to myself: WHY?

Why does it take so long to master?

After all, you are just holding your breath! Holding your breath is supposed to grab needed oxygen from your tense muscles, like your External Sphincter, which will then relax it’s grip and allow you to pee.

So if that’s all there is. If that’s all it takes is a lack of oxygen to make this happen, then why does it take a month to master?

Anyone can hold their breath!

You’d think that all you’d have to do is to hold your breath and voila, you’d be peeing!

But it’s not so simple is it? Obviously there’s more to it than just holding your breath. It must also include your MIND!

You see, I’m beginning to think that Breath Hold is not only holding your breath, but that it’s also retraining your brain, like Cognitive Thinking! (doing an action over and over again until it becomes second nature and links to a certain action like peeing! i.e. Associating snapping a rubber band on your wrist while you’re peeing will eventually link the two together!)

You MUST Retrain your Brain!

That way, when you’re heading to the bathroom, you can hold your breath. That alone will start to tell your brain that it’s okay to pee. It releases a signal to your bladder and ZAP you’re peeing!

It kind of makes sense. You’re just reconnecting fragments in your brain saying “When I do this – You do that!“

Because otherwise, anybody who holds their breath long enough would pee their pants. That doesn’t make much sense. You have to want and need to pee and focus on that…

You see where I’m coming from?

You CAN hold your breath, but you also have to retrain your thoughts and feelings (which is why it takes a good month or two of continuous practice). Then your bladder will loosen and you will PEE!

Mind over Matter!

Or, like I’ve said before Mind over Bladder!

I really do feel like it’s a combo of these two things.

One more trick…

I’ve also on many occasions been trying something different. I’ve not only been holding my breath during attempts in the bathroom, but I’m been trying to concentrate on my pelvic area (the groin), and constricting it (tightening and pushing down) which does put me on the verge of peeing. That is not easy to do. That takes practice!

The last time I attempted Breath Hold was 18 months ago. At that time I was also to the point where I could constrict my groin and feel the pelvic floor drop. But, of course, with mixed results.

Is this the trick I need to master?

Sigh!

All I can do is try.

Keep practicing.

Keep retraining my brain and bladder and see where it gets me.

Let’s hope it gets me to a urinal and SUCCESS!

20 days and counting…

It’s day 33 in my Shy Bladder Desensitization. It’s also Thanksgiving! Gobble Gobble!

I peed a couple of times today with my Pee Buddy present. Sometimes it takes longer for me to go, but I’m not letting time get to me. I no longer am timing myself because of this.

If it takes longer to get a stream going, so what? I just relax and try to give it as little thought as possible.

Eventually I DO PEE!

I’m beginning to see, it’s no big deal how long it takes.

I’ve also been practicing Breath Hold more.

In fact, for the last 3 days or so, I’ve actually been trying something NEW!

A New Breath Hold Technique

You see, the standard way of Breath Holding is to let out 3/4 of the air in your lungs, and then to hold your breath. You hold it until your external muscle (Called the External Sphincter) relaxes enough for your bladder to open and empty it’s contents.

I’ve tried that!

What I’ve found is that it takes a good minute to get to the point where I feel like I might be able to pee. But by then, I’m gasping for air. It takes too long!

I’ve often wondered why you have to let out only 3/4 of your air… It’s a mystery to me.

Is this 3/4 significant?

Do you HAVE to have some oxygen in there???

So for the last 3-4 days, I’ve been trying something new… A different breathing technique!

I’ve been exhaling out ALL of the air in my lungs! My lungs are totally empty when I step up to the plate.

I figure with all the air gone, the muscles will instantly be gasping, then they should relax faster and I won’t have to wait a full minute to see results.

Sounds Plausible!

What I’ve found is Interesting!

3 Times Today I’ve been able to pee BEFORE I need to breath in air. It seems like when all the air is out of my lungs, I feel the effects quicker, and can just concentrate and focus on my task at hand: Peeing!

3 times tonight I’ve been able to hold my breath (actually holding no breath because it’s all been exhaled), and quickly feeling the pelvic floor drop, and yes, I DID PEE!

Then I was able to slowly, carefully and controlled, quietly breath in air (so no one would know).

Now whether I was peeing because I was holding my breath remains unseen. After all, I was alone. I had no pressure. I wasn’t under a time constraint. No one was waiting. I did need to pee. It really could be all a coincidence! ???

Further Testing is needed!

But it is true that every person and every person’s body is different. What works for one may not necessarily work for others. You may have to shake things up and do things differently to get better or worse results.

Testing is the whole key!

And testing under different scenarios. Like a public bathroom, a busy bathroom with guys waiting… Things like that.

Since I’ve seem some interesting advancements, I’ll continue to exhale all the air and see what future results are.

Will it work, or won’t it?

At this point, I’m willing to try anything.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Will Breath Hold concur?

Hold your breath and find out… ;)

It’s day 32 in my Desensitization and Pee Shy Recovery!

One thing that I find interesting is the fact that I’m pretty picky when it comes to practicing.

Like for instance…

Yesterday I was in 4 Stores: Walgreens, Michaels, Krogers and Sam’s Club. And I could have gone into any one of them to practice desensitizing.

In fact, when we were at Walgreens, Mike (my pee buddy) even said to me:

“They have a Bathroom in Here!”

But the thing is, I live near this Walgreens (just a couple of houses away), and I know a lot of people in this neighborhood. So half the folks coming and going I recognize, and of course, they’ll recognize me.

“Oh Hi Richard!”

Which means, if I’m standing at the urinal for 3 minutes (looong minutes), I may run into people I know.

I would feel rather odd, ashamed, and embarrassed to meet there… They know I’m peeing! (or so it would seem) And, I think that they would see that I’m not actually peeing, I’m just pretending to pee… Even more Awkward!

My Paruresis seems to act up more when I’m around people I know. Or even the possibility that I may know them.

If they’re complete strangers, and I’ll never see them again, it doesn’t bother me as much.

But this close to home just seems uncomfortable and scary!

So what happens is, it makes me pickier on which public bathroom locations to enter and practice in.

And that’s not the only thing I’m Picky about:

• The bathroom is too close to home
• The bathroom is too small in size
• The bathroom has people waiting right outside the door
• The bathroom looks dirty
• The bathroom is too visible to people eating or watching
• There’s a line out the door
• The bathroom door is propped open
• They’re cleaning the bathroom
• The bathroom smells
• And the list goes on and on…

It’s crazy how many excuses I can come up with.

When it all comes down to this:

I’m too worried about what other people think!

That’s it! I’m obsessed with the notion that they are obsessed with me and what I’m doing.

Who can pee under all that pressure?

How did I get this way to begin with? It’s so ludicrous.

Other people don’t give a rat’s ass. They don’t care in the least.

But me, I jump at a spider, I lock up at the sound of footsteps… Oh no, the door is opening, I can hear laughter down the hall, it’s too quiet in here…

I drive myself insane with all of this!

So while I chew my nails and contemplate my mental breakdown, do know this: I’m obsessed with analyzing it as well!

(Like you didn’t know)

It’s constantly on my mind and in my thoughts. It affects every thing I do and every action I take.

Paruresis Consumes Me!

So there’s my rant. It is what it is.

I’m even picky at how I end this…

Maybe I’ll just hold my breath and hope it all goes away?

Or maybe that Breath Hold is just the ticket I need?

Paruresis makes me picky…

But why did it pick me?

It’s Tuesday, November 26th 2013, and my goal for this week is already finished! YAAAAAAH!

I have already successfully entered 3 public bathrooms, and stood at 3 urinals for 3 whole minutes!

And that’s Amazing for me!

Because I am Mr. Never-Step-Foot-In-A-Public-Bathroom-Ever!

3 Minutes at a urinal can seem like a lifetime when other guys are coming in, peeing fast, and leaving, with you just standing there not doing anything.

It’s Agonizing!

Today, my 3rd visit to a urinal was at Sam’s Club.

After me and my Pee Buddy Mike shop, we check out, and I tell him that I’m going into the bathroom for my 3 minutes of desensitization. He sits down on the bench to wait.

As I head towards the bathroom, an elder gentleman is in front of me entering the bathroom at the same time. Normally I would hesitate, stop, and not go in. But today, I force myself to keep on going.

I follow him in!

He goes to the urinals. There are 3. He takes the farthest one which is the kiddy one no doubt. I take the first one closest to the door.

He pees pretty fast. He also makes a couple of grunts and a soft-but-audible fart (like a dog fart). I turn my eyes to the left and act like I didn’t hear.

He finishes and goes to the sink.

A Father and Kid enters the Restroom!

The Father tells the Kid to wait when he’s done, he won’t be long.

The Kid comes up to the short urinal and pees while the Father makes his way (rather noisily) to the stalls. I hear him fumbling with the door and latch… And that’s about the time that some guy walks in and goes up to the center urinal right next to me.

It’s a Full House!

The old man is drying his hands. The Kid finishes and is now at the sink. And here I am with my dick in my hand just tying up the urinal for anyone else to use.

Nice!

The guy next to me (who breathes heavily) finishes at the same time as the stall Father. They both head towards the sinks.

I glance at my Watch (I’m getting into the habit of checking the time as I enter). It’s been 4 Minutes now.

Mission Accomplished!

I zip up and turn towards the sinks. The toilet auto flushes behind me.

The dryers are going, I’m washing up, more guys enter…

It’s a Busy Bathroom!

I didn’t pee, didn’t have to pee, but I did desensitize! That’s the important thing.

I’m getting used to standing at public urinals for the first time in my life. It’s a very scary phobia of mine.

Doing so makes me feel weird, and yet so awesome and powerful at the same time.

I almost feel like a Man! :)

I know I still have plenty of week left, but I don’t plan on going anywhere tomorrow, and Thursday is Thanksgiving… And then you have the busiest shopping days of the year, which I generally don’t attend. I do most of my shopping online! :)

So for the rest of the week, I’ll do more at home desensitization with Mike. I’ll keep peeing with him behind me. And I’ll keep practicing my Breath Hold Techniques…

When you’re recovering from Shy Bladder, every little trick and tip helps.

After all, I have an entire lifetime of bad behaviors to unravel! :)

One Month into my quest for Shy Bladder Recovery, and where do I stand?

I stand with a bunch of Successes, as well as an equal amount of Failures!

But I should clarify they’re not really failures, just bumps along the road to freedom! :)

I know I’ll have misses, disasters, and hiccups… But if I don’t let them derail my progress and lose hope, then I will eventually succeed and accomplish my goal: To Pee in a Busy Public Bathroom at a Urinal!

I do believe that!

Today, I’m out most of the day. I’m heading to Ikea (Love that store), and then eating at Flemings (Awesome Steak House).

So before I leave the house, I pee 2 or 3 times, just to get it out of my system.

The drive to Ikea is 45 minutes away, and it’s cold out (a brisk 25°). This doesn’t help my bladder any, and by the time I get to Ikea, I feel that I probably could pee (Not a great way to start out the day).

Mike (my Pee Buddy) says he needs to pee too. He knows my situation and I’ve had plenty of deep talks about my condition with him. He does what he can to help. The last couple of days, I’ve been practicing simple things like entering public bathrooms and standing at urinals (with no inkling to pee), just to desensitize myself.

This task is tough for me, since I’ve fought my whole life to avoid bathrooms and urinals. I’ve probably only stepped foot up to urinals a good 20 times in my existence.

And since I’m desensitizing, that means I need to enter the men’s room and at least pretend I’m peeing. Just to get comfortable with the whole concept.

So as soon as we walk into Ikea…

We both head towards the Bathrooms!

Mike goes up to the 3rd urinal (there are only 3), and I go up to the center urinal (the first urinal is a kiddy urinal). He gives me a crazy look like he can’t believe I’m doing this. Ha!

He says to me “You could actually have guys on both sides of you!“

I shush him because there is a guy behind us washing his hands, and someone else is in the stall…

I don’t want to bring attention to what I’m doing.

So I stand at the urinal and read their little membership sign taped over the urinal “Hey, Free Coffee!“

Mike finishes, zips and goes to the sink.

Now it’s just me in the center, great!

And then I instantly think, any guy walking up to the urinals will now think “What an Asshole! He had to take the center urinal!“

I frown at this and try not to think about it. I’m sure it happens to everyone.

Mike is drying his hands as someone enters and takes up urinal #3 (no one wants the short one).

This guy pees quickly. I’m just standing there minding my own business. I’m playing mind games with myself seeing if I can actually pee or not.

Sometimes I surprise myself!

#3 guy pees and heads to the sink. I’m still standing there as Mike leaves and is now waiting outside.

I know I could stand there longer, but the center urinal has me really on edge. I look at my watch and see that it’s been 3 minutes. TIME TO GO!

I go to flush… and there is no flusher. It’s one of those automatic flushers that flush when you walk away.

And as I walk away I briefly wonder if a simple glance in the urinal would let someone know that I didn’t actually pee…

I wash and leave!

That’s bathroom #2 (and urinal #2) in my 3 bathroom quest this week.

We wander Ikea and an hour later we end up at the food court. We get coffee and I tell Mike I’m going to try to pee again…

I head down the hall and as I pass, I see that they also have a family restroom which I could use (and probably has a lock on the door), although I’d feel odd using it by myself. “Hey, he’s not a family!“

I go to the men’s room and enter. The 3 urinals are empty. Some guy is in the last stall grunting and making noises. It doesn’t smell too hot…

I unzip and stand there. I try to coax myself to pee. PEE PEE PEE!

The guy in the stall is finishing up, and I can hear the toilet paper unrolling like crazy…

That’s when the bathroom door opens and someone else enters. I thought they’d come up to the urinals, but they don’t. They go to the first stall. I hear the door open, then close, then open and close, and then the guy goes back over to the sink ???

As I glance at him in the reflection of the wall tiles, I see the familiar blue uniform. He’s an Ikea Employee, aaaand he’s cleaning the john. Of all times…

He goes out the door and I hear the bucket and mop rolling around. The guy in the stall is now out and washing up.

I’m try to ignore them both and concentrate on going, but I can’t.

The guy is now drying his hands as the Employee comes back and is now in stall #2. Then he goes to stall #3 “SURPRISE!“

I know I can’t go as long as he’s cleaning. So I give up and end my visit. I wash, dry and leave.

Once again I glance at the family restroom as I walk by.

It’s soooo Tempting!

After another cup of coffee in the cafeteria, I start to feel antsy. I keep a constant eye on the hallway. I watch guys come and go.

Ikea is not busy like they usually are, which is weird for just a couple of days before Black Friday.

I see the Employee with the Mop and Bucket leave. The area is empty. Nobody is coming or going… I decide to make my move and try to pee again.

I head down the hall and enter the men’s bathroom.

I’m the only one there! Sweet!

This time I take no chances (especially since I’ve already fulfilled my urinal quota for today), and so I allow myself to enter the stall to pee. I feel safer there and I know I can probably go.

It takes me a good minute or two, but I finally urinate.

This time I was the only one in there the entire time. You just never know!

Flemings

Afterwards, me and Mike finish shopping, and then we head to Flemings for an awesome Filet.

Mike goes to the bathroom and tells me that I could probably pee in there. The bathroom is small, but the stalls are separate from the urinals and they are almost entirely closed in.

But for some reason, even though I know I need to pee, I don’t feel comfortable peeing here.

I get weird vibes about places and I don’t feel good about this one. The bathroom is by the entrance. People in Suits are waiting in the lobby (watching everybody). The hostesses are right there seeing everyone come and go. It’s right next to the busy bar…

I would feel like I was on display walking by all those people outside the small bathroom… So what do I do?

I don’t even try!

Right before we leave, Mike goes in and pees again.

He comes back out a minute later and says “Don’t go in there!“

I tilt my head. He says there’s a lot of commotion in there. Some guy lost his contact lens and people are all over the floor looking for it. Plus, the stalls are full and there’s a line at the urinals.

WTF? NOT GOOD! I could NEVER EVER pee under those conditions!

I wouldn’t even know how to handle that type of situation if I were to walk in and see that. I would be frozen in terror. I would probably turn all shades of red, spin around and walk back out the door embarrassed and awkward. Everyone would see me and laugh “HE CAN’T PEE!“

Like I said, you just never know!

So today, I went to the bathroom 3 times, and peed just once.

Granted my goal was to just stand there and NOT pee, but still, if you DO have to pee, then it changes the entire scenario.

It’s no longer a calm and observing desensitization. It’s now scary, uncomfortable, frightening and makes me panic. Everything is more difficult when you HAVE to pee and CAN’T!

That’s why I’m going through these Gradual Exposure Steps.

I’m trying to face my fears. I’m trying to alter a lifetime of bad feelings and behaviors.

All I can do is take it one day at a time!

So I have some successes, and some failures.

Just don’t give up.

Never give up!

Today is Sunday. The 29th Day of my Paruresis Desensitization.

I’ve spent plenty of time peeing in front of my Pee Buddy Mike at home, and now have started my field work: Public Bathrooms!

My Goal is Simple:

I only have to enter a public restroom and stand at the urinal (without peeing – peeing is optional) for 3 full minutes.

3 Minutes standing at a urinal seems like a life time!

And this week, I need to force myself to enter 3 bathrooms, and stand at 3 urinals.

That’s all!

I’m not there to pee, I’m just there to observe, feel my surroundings, get acquainted with them. See that no harm will come to me and that no one notices that I’m even there.

It’s Desensitization 101

So being the first day of the new week, I decide to tackle my Paruresis Recovery head on…

I’m at Menards today! (Lots of Free After Rebate Items)

First off, I head straight for the bathrooms…

I walk in and see they are busy. One guy is at the sink washing up, one guy is drying his hands, someone else is leaving the last stall, I see feet under the first stall, and I see in the middle of all this chaos 3 empty urinals!

Jackpot!

I decide to take the furthest urinal. I step up to the plate, unzip and wait.

It’s nice of Menards to tape their fliers over the urinals so it gives you something to look at while you pee…

I stand there and look at my watch. I’ve been here for 20 seconds… It already seems like years. Sigh!

A couple of seconds later, some guy comes up to the center urinal and starts to pee pretty rapidly.

I find it interesting that he took the center urinal and not the first one.

I pretend to read the advertisements although I’ve already scanned them twice.

I’m just standing here doing nothing… la de da…

The guy flushes and walks to the sink.

Another guy enters and I see him heading towards the urinals with my peripheral vision. And of course, he takes the center urinal as well.

Really?

I thought there was some Guy Code that prevented this? Why does everyone want the center? How Odd!

He pees fast as well. I’m just reading the dumb ads and paying at little attention as I can. I hope he doesn’t think I’ve been there long. I wonder if he can tell I’m not peeing? Even though I can’t hear him… In fact, I couldn’t hear the first guy either. But I believe he pees since he does the little shake and dance. He flushes and goes to the sinks…

I glance at my watch. It’s been 4 minutes… WOW!

I decide it’s time to go. The guys drying their hands are facing me…

I flush and wander over to the sinks. Someone else enters. They have to walk around the dryers and squish by so they can go to the urinals.

I Wash and Dry…

(Their dryers SUCK! It takes sooo long to dry your hands. It takes longer to dry, then it did to pee and wash… that is, for the guys that actually did pee and wash lol).

I finally head out the door. A little kid passes me. And just out of habit, I check my zipper, ha, I’m glad I did, it was wide open!

That could have been Embarrassing!

I head over and find Mike. “Did you Pee?” he says to me.

“No” I say glancing around to see if anyone heard “I didn’t have to go!“

Later, in the vehicle home I told Mike about the guys in the bathroom grabbing the center urinal. “That’s odd” he says “Maybe they were trying to pick you up?” HA! Now that’s funny!

I told him I couldn’t hear the guys peeing. He said half the time you can’t because it gets noisy with the sinks and dryers…

I said “3 Minutes is a LONG time to stand there!“

He agreed. He says “Sometimes I stand there for a while. Like if I don’t really have to go, but know I should. It’s not always quick!“

He went on to say that no one notices if you pee or how you pee. They don’t look. They don’t say anything. They don’t care. And he said “Even if they did, fuck em!“

So true!

That’s the attitude I need!

I wonder how long I’ll have to do this to get used to this?

I wonder how long it’ll take me to actually pee in a urinal?

1 Month?

Two?

My entire life?

I’m doing things I’ve never done before…

Now I just need to void! :)

28 Days into my Paruresis Recovery, and where do I stand?

At a toilet with my Pee Buddy (Mike) directly behind me! :)

As always!

That’s a major step for me that has become easier and easier to deal with. I still can’t believe that I can pee under those circumstances with another man just inches away.

It’s mind blowing!

Now that I’ve been doing at home desensitization for 28 days, it’s time I took maters out to the field: Public Bathrooms!

My Goal…

So my goal this week was simple; to physically enter two public bathrooms, and do nothing more than to stand at a urinal for 3 minutes.

Any normal guy would laugh at that task “Are you kidding me?“

But to a Paruretic, me, it’s my worst nightmare! I dread stepping foot in public restrooms. In fact, I do everything I can to avoid them like holding in my urine for 8 hours at a time (bye bye kidneys).

I fear restrooms. I loathe them. My bladder locks up and I could almost never ever pee in them (even in enclosed stalls). It’s too quiet in here. I can hear footsteps. People are chatting, laughing. The door’s opening, Someone’s crapping in the next stall. OMG… Crazy stuff! It’s a social phobia that has plagued me my whole life.

And if you want to know how bad my condition gets, understand this; I have only approached a urinal maybe 5 times in my entire life! (maybe 4?).

And only one time, ONE TIME, have I ever peed into one, and that was just a couple of weeks ago.

So you can see how urinals and me do NOT get along!

That’s why forcing myself to enter a bathroom and to stand at a urinal is difficult and trying. It’s my highest trepidation.

I really can’t even imagine it!

So today, being Saturday, the last day of the week, I knew I only had one shot left to accomplish my goal.

Yesterday I made myself (after a dozen other failures) to enter a bathroom and stand at a urinal (at a charity event).

Today I do it again!

Me and my friend are heading into Target, I tell Mike that I need to use the bathroom “to desensitize“.

“Go ahead” he says “I’ll be up front…” And then he pauses, looks at me and says “Take as long as you need“. He understands my situation.

Things like that are why he’s been my best friend for over 17 years. A true friend!

So I go left and Mike continues on.

I pass by a group of kids printing out photos at the photo booth. We glance at each other as I walk down the long white hall…

I head into the men’s room. There are 2 urinals, one regular urinal (normal height), and one smaller urinal (lower – kid height).

I step up to the regular urinal, unzip and wait!

I look at my watch to grab the time 3:22.

“Okay, 3 minutes and counting!” I think to myself.

This is Target, it IS busy, especially with Thanksgiving coming next week… So it’s bound to get insane foot traffic.

I wait patiently. When’s the door going to open?

I can hear people talking, chatting, laughing… Must be a break room nearby?

I stand there. 1 Minute passes. Then 2.

Still no one enters!

Sigh!

What’s interesting about standing here desensitizing is the fact that I don’t have to pee. I went in there knowing I didn’t have to go. So while I’m there, I don’t really feel anxious like I normally would. I don’t really feel much at all. I feel like I have nothing to lose. I’m just standing here…

3 Minutes go by. Still no one. Really? How can this be? It’s the middle of a Saturday the weekend before the Black Friday…

I decide to wait it out a little longer…

It briefly enters my mind that if I DID need to go, I probably could, right there, standing at the urinal, at Target, on a busy Saturday. CRAZY THOUGHT!

I mean I’ve been here for over 3 minutes. That’s surely long enough time for me to pee. And I’m the only guy in here. There are no interruptions…

It’s like I’m almost giving myself permission to pee! Who would have thunk?

But, I didn’t need to pee. I’m just pretending. (If I did need to go, the bathroom would have been bustling – Murphy’s Law) For now, I’m just getting used to standing at a urinal. I still believe the door will fly open at any time…

I wait.

4 Minutes…

FINE!

After 4 Minutes I end it. I flush, zip, and make my way to the sinks. I certainly thought that as I walked away the door would open, but nope. No one!

No one came in the entire time I washed, dried, and checked myself in the mirror. I’m just taking my sweet ole time.

What are the odds?

I exited the bathroom. Walk the walk. The photo booth is now empty. (The popcorn smells good!)

No matter what happened, I’m happy with myself. My goal was 2 bathrooms and 2 urinals, and I did just that!

I accomplished my goal and I didn’t wimp out! I’m proud of myself.

Neither time did a guy walk in or stand next to me, but that’s okay. Bathrooms are a hit and miss!

What’s interesting to note is this: I COULD have peed at that urinal. I could have. It’s weird to think about. I really could have gone in, casually peed, and left without every encountering a soul.

Pee Shy or not, I could have done it (if I needed to).

Next week, I’m upping the ante. My goal is 3 Bathrooms, 3 Urinals!

Again, I’m not worried about actually peeing in them…

Just to stand there. Desensitize!

That’s enough for now!

That is, unless I really need to go. :)

Good luck!

Not much new to talk about today, I peed with my Pee Buddy Mike all day with no problems.

I did attempt to hold my breath (Breath Hold) for most of them, but I’m not very good at it. I end up giving up and gasping before I even get close to peeing.

I need to practice that more, and more often if I want to succeed. Like every time I urinate!

For a better cause…

Tonight, I had a Charity Event to attend. Big function, tons of people, one small bathroom.

The night was long. 5 hours. Much longer than I anticipated, which is good because it kept my anxiety level down. There were Hors D’oeuvre, Auctions, Wine Tasting, Friends and Fun! (I don’t get to dress up very often)

Bathroom time

Well, halfway through the night, me and Mike are walking around and he says “I need to use the bathroom“.

Well, I hesitated as he took off for a second… I hesitated because one of my goals this week was to step into a public restroom and stand at a urinal for a couple of minutes…. My goal was to do this twice this week, and so far, I’ve failed!

So I hesitate for a brief second, and then just start following him in. “I can do this” I tell myself. Just go in and stand there…

I go in right after Mike!

He glances back and sees it’s me. He gives me a crazy eye… (like what are you doing?)

I just smirk a little. He goes up to the last of 3 vacant urinals…

I step up to urinal #1. I figure 1 is good because if someone else enters, they’ll grab the center slot.

Mike again looks at me surprised. He knows I’m Pee Shy and can’t believe that I’m using a public urinal…

I stand there quiet and face forward. My heart is racing. Someone else who was in the bathroom left, I can hear the door open and close behind me…

The funny thing about bathroom doors and where they’re positioned is half the time when they are open, anybody walking by can look in and see you peeing at the urinal. Not cool!

That’s how this door was. If I wanted to, I could crane my head around and stare out the door at people… ha! I didn’t, but I hate the feeling of eyes on the back of my head.

I’m being watched!

So I stand there and stand there… Mike pees quickly, like 20 seconds, and he goes to the sink to wash up.

Now it’s just me and 2 empty urinals. I’m just standing there, not even contemplating peeing because I didn’t need to pee (which is the best time to pretend). I’m doing this just for practice and to calm my screaming nerves.

I can hear Mike drying his hands now. I can’t believe someone hasn’t walked in yet…

Mike’s about done. I can’t take it anymore. I flush, zip and head to the sink…

As I wash up, Mike says to me “Did you go?“

I laugh. “NO! I wasn’t trying to go! I’m desensitizing!”

“You flushed!“

I laugh again. “It’s all for appearances and practice”.

He nods confused. “It’s just us in here“.

“I know” (I actually didn’t, but I did then).

No matter (if someone were to walk in as I was walking away, they’d know I didn’t flush). Bah! I need to do this. I have to get used to urinals and bathrooms and being so open and seen. It’s the only way to tackle my fear.

If it takes me pretending long enough to feel comfortable with them, which in itself, will allow me to pee over time, then it’s all worth while.

One step at a time!

For now, I’ll fake it.

Flush, Wash, Dry…

No one is the wiser.

No one cares but me.

One of my goals this week is to enter 2 public restrooms, not to pee, but to just stand there at the urinals for 3 full minutes to desensitize.

It doesn’t sound like much. Doesn’t sound like a long time. But to a Paruretic, it seems like a lifetime.

Standing there with other guys entering the bathroom, standing at the urinals next to me, peeing and leaving is about the height of my anxiety.

I need to get over this fear I have, and the only way to do that, is just to do it!

Well, it’s now Thursday night, and how many bathrooms have I stepped into this week so far???

NONE!

Not a one!

This is so maddening to me. I’ve had ample opportunities to accomplish these little tasks, yet I’ve failed miserably.

I didn’t even try!

So let’s recap all the different places I’ve gone this week:

Walgreens, Target, Sears, Costco, Krogers, Menards, Meijers, Sams Club, 2 different Restaurants, 1 Jeweler, and the Moveis (at the mall no doubt).

All those places, and not ONE visit to the loo!

I get a big, fat FAIL!

12 places down the drain, and I only needed to accomplish 2.

It really doesn’t sound too difficult. In fact, it sounds easy as pie. lol I’m not asking myself to actually urinate… just stand there for a couple of minutes and pretend to.

Nothing else!

Sigh!

Why are bathrooms such a trepidation to me? Why is it so difficult to even get up the courage to step foot in them?

I wish I knew the answer.

Instead, I continue to pee at home with my Pee Buddy (Mike) present (today is day 26 in my Paruresis Recovery).

I’ve also been trying Breath Hold Techniques again, but half the time I forget, and the other half I can only hold my breath for about 40 seconds, which is way too short for me to even feel like I need to pee.

It seems like all holding my breath does is prevent me from peeing in front of Mike longer. Once I stop and gasp for air, I can usually then pee.

Go figure!

Me and my messed up body!

I still have 2 days left to accomplish my goals, so it’s not over yet.

I know tomorrow night I’m going to a charity event, where there’ll be lots of people and busy bathrooms (although small bathrooms)… I suppose I could try to stand at the urinals there…

I’m just so terrified!

What if one of the guys who stands next at the urinals to me is someone I know?

Will they talk to me?

Will they see that I’m NOT peeing?

The Horrors I dream up…

The Horrors I say!