Shy Bladder HQ

It’s hard to imagine that I’ve been peeing with my Pee Buddy for 25 days now.

I would have laughed at that a month ago. Who knew he’d be standing directly behind me as I peed?

It boggles my mind!

I’ve been practicing Breath Hold again, and I’m getting no where fast. Half the time I forget to hold my breath, and then sometimes Mike wants to talk to me, and I can’t hold my breath and chat at the same time.

But I’m still working on it!

It’s definitely NOT easy holding your breath. I get to the point where I’m gasping and my External Urethral Sphincter is still clenched tightly. You’d think it’d loosen, but noooooo!

Sometimes I feel like I’m right on the verge of peeing, but only when I inhale does it finally come out.

I can see myself attempting this in a busy public restroom… How humiliating that would be to stand next to someone and suddenly, out of the blue, just start gasping loudly for air! LOL

It would freak them out!

So I do need to learn to not only hold my breath longer, but to then release it and inhale slowly so it’s not loud or startling.

Some magic trick, eh?

And then I think to myself, what if I do get to the point where I can hold my breath long enough to start peeing. Then what?

What keeps my Sphincter relaxed enough to allow me to continue to pee without it clamping up and cutting off my flow?

I mean, I’ve locked up before over such things that startle me (the bathroom door slamming opening, footsteps, loud noises…). So wouldn’t that happen even with breath hold? Sounds plausible to me!

Most guys say that once you begin to urinate, it will just continue until you’re done and empty.

Is this always true?

Will I be okay if I can just get it going? Only time will tell…

For now, I’m peeing within a foot of my Best Friend Mike. That’s huge news to any Paruretic. Plus, not too long ago, I was able to pee successfully at a public urinal for the first time in my life. So while progress seems slow… it’s really not. You have to remember that this is a lifetime of learned behavior that I’m trying to unravel. And…

This is only day 25!

So I say chill. I’m on the right track. I just need to take it slow and steady. Keep moving forward.

It will happen with patience and practice.

I’m really hoping that I can master the Breath Hold Technique.

That would change my life for good!

In another month or so, I could be there, peeing in a urinal at a stadium, arena or airport…

And that, that would really be something to gasp about! :)

It’s day 24 in my home desensitization. I’ve been practicing Gradual Exposure Therapy with my Pee Buddy Mike, and today, for the first time in a year and a half, I’ve begun to implement Breath Hold Techniques into my routine as well.

The last time I attempted Breath Hold I was able to hold my breath for a minute, and even got good at it. I got to the point where I almost peed doing that, and I wasn’t gasping for air at the end.

Even though I felt like I was making progress, it just wasn’t clicking for me. I gave up after 2 weeks of practice and haven’t tried it since.

Until today!

Today, I start it up again!

I wake up first thing in the morning and tell Mike to stand behind me as I pee.

I tell him I’m going to practice Breath Holding, which is exhaling about 3/4 of the air in your lungs and holding your breath calmly until your pelvic floor drops and your bladder begins to empty.

It all has to do with your body needing oxygen and taking it from where ever it can. Which is from the tightened muscle (your external Sphincter) that controls urine flow.

If you hold your breathing long enough, that tight muscle will have to relax, let go, and you WILL pee!

Or so they say!

So, it’s back to practice time. I usually don’t have a hard time peeing around Mike as it is, but now I’m adding in new tension. Holding my Breath. I notice that as I’m doing it, I’m preoccupied with holding the air in my lungs and not concentrating on peeing.

So what happens is I end up gasping, and still haven’t peed.

I try to shift my thoughts, but after about 40 seconds I fail and take a Breath. Holding your Breath is harder than it seems, especially when you’re under pressure.

It wasn’t good for my first try, but I know I’ll get better, with practice.

I still peed. And I also peed later on after another cup of coffee.

But Breath Hold attempt 2 resulted in failure as well. This is just practice, and I know that it could take me a month of trying to get it to actually work.

That’s a long time!

No matter what, I still peed and still emptied my bladder. Success!

I’ll keep practicing Breath Hold and get better at holding my breath for extended periods of time. I believe most people who master this technique say they have to hold their breath for 50 seconds or more…

We’ll see!

I peed a few more times today with my Pee Buddy, and even though I was out Christmas Shopping today, I didn’t step hide-nor-hair into a public restroom!

So I missed many great opportunities to desensitize…

I did practice Breath Holding more, and the last time tonight it worked!

Or should I say, I peed while holding my breath. But let me point out that this was NOT because of breath hold… I was by myself and I really needed to pee. So it only took me like ten seconds to start a stream, so breath holding wouldn’t have mattered much in this circumstance any way.

I’ll keep on practicing, and see if I can get good at it. You never know…

A cure could be right around the corner!

Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET) Day 23…

Every attempt is a success!

Mike (my Pee Buddy) stands behind me as I urinate.

One time I peed really fast and Mike even made a comment (in his best Chinese Impersonation ever) “Ry you pee so fast?“

lol Such a Comedian!

It almost stopped my stream. Just him acknowledging how fast it was flowing, was almost enough to cut me off. It didn’t, but it was close.

I continued with my pee and finished.

Mission Accomplished!

I keep saying to myself (and my posts here) that I want to take it to the next level and have Mike pee beside me (like we’re at urinals). But so far, I chicken out. I haven’t the courage to do that yet.

I don’t know if I feel comfortable enough with that, and I feel like I wouldn’t be able to pee under those conditions. Especially since Mike pees like a race horse…

That would probably intimidate me and lock me up for good. Frozen in fear!

I’ve also been talking about starting up breath hold, and practicing those techniques again (I did it for 2 weeks before and quit). It’s just I always forget until I’m already peeing.

I told Mike about it, and told him that if I mastered that I could pee anywhere at any time and it wouldn’t affect me.

“Even at a trough?” he says

“I believe so!” I respond.

So here’s my Goal for the rest of the week:

• Walk into TWO public Restrooms and just stand at a urinal for 3 minutes (without peeing), just to desensitize.
• Practice Breath Hold at every opportunity that I can.
• Attempt to pee at least once standing directly beside (not in front of) my Pee Buddy Mike.

Pretty scary if you ask me! :)

But, if I’m to progress beyond where I am, I need to venture into un-safe waters. I need to do the things I fear the most!

So there you have it.

Goals are set.

Target’s in sight.

Now I just need to aim…

The last 2 days have felt a little bit different for myself doing at home desensitization with my Pee Buddy Mike.

Every time has been a Success!

I find I’m getting used to having Mike stand behind me as I pee that I hardly even think about it anymore. I find myself thinking about other things, like adding something to my Christmas List, or the fact that Walking Dead’s on TV tonight…

Even when it takes me longer to begin, I don’t let it get to me much. I just shrug it off and stand there as long as it takes. And sooner or later, I’m peeing!

It’s rather quite refreshing!

Yesterday Mike was gone to the store and I needed to pee. It actually hit me then that it feels odd peeing without Mike there!

I’m getting so used to him being with me, moving around, shuffling, yawning, chatting, bumping me, that it almost doesn’t feel right by myself.

That’s pretty funny!

Who would have thought?

Can I really desensitize myself so peeing around other people seems normal?

I’d say it seems pretty likely.

This morning, I get up at 5:30 (early for me). Mike’s still in his room sleeping. He’s usually an early bird and up before me, so it’s kind of weird.

I grab a coffee and I needed to pee of course. But I don’t! I decided to wait for Mike. I figured he’s be up soon anyway.

Well he doesn’t arise until 6:30, so I had to hold my bladder for an hour.

Mike gets up, I tell him I need to pee. He follows me into the bathroom. Now I’ve had to go for over an hour and we all know what holding it does… it makes it harder to pee.

Sure enough, I probably stood there for 4 minutes before I finally started peeing.

Damn thing!

I will say that it’s much easier to go when I’m not keeping time anymore. Watching a clock tick away just adds stress and makes me feel more anxious.

It’s better just to stand there and take as long as I need.

I know Mike doesn’t care either way. He’s been my best friend for over 17 years. You think an extra minute or two is going to make a difference? Nope! Not on your life.

I still haven’t upped the ante yet. I want to pee under harder conditions, like having Mike stand right next to me as I pee (like we’re at urinals).

That could get tricky!

I know he could easily pee like that…

But could I?

It’s been Twenty Days into my quest for a Paruresis Cure.

The funny thing is, there is none!

You will always have some Pee Shy Symptoms still left in you no matter what you do. Even if you can pee in a public bathroom with no problems, you’ll probably still feel some sort of anxiety walking into the john or peeing around other guys (especially if there’s a trough).

It’s inevitable!

You’ve probably been carrying this social phobia around all your life, and no amount of practice or treatment will ever rid you 100% of your feelings and behaviors.

But I’m cool with that. I only want to pee when I need to pee. That’s all!

Which brings me to today…

Peeing today with my Pee Buddy Mike seems pretty easy. I don’t know why, but half the time I end up peeing without thinking about it.

I have resorted to NOT time myself anymore. That seems to add stress to my already heightened anxiety levels.

So instead, I just stand there and relax. Most times today I was able to urinate pretty quickly. It seemed like I was in and out in just a minute or two.

Other people notice…

I got some comments on my site here from a 19 year old college student, who talked about Breath Hold and how it’s worked for him and he can pee in public now.

It makes me wonder if I should practice and attempt Breath Hold again (as seen here in Paruresis Exposed’s YouTube Channel).

The visitor said that combining my efforts (home desensitization) along with Breath Hold should do the trick.

He says it took him a couple of months to master it… and in fact, I’ll let you read a section of it yourself:

I have had a lot of success with the breath hold in the past 2 years.

In a nutshell, I used to suffer from this all throughout high school, but learned of the BH 2 weeks before my senior year. I then practiced for 45 seconds every day for 2 weeks until I finally got it just in time for school to start. As you can imagine, standing there for 45 seconds was awkward for a while, but after about 2 months of using it successfully every day (I must have had the breath capacity of a pro diver) it only took me 10 seconds exactly from the time I started walking to the time I got there to be ready to go.

When I got to college, I realized that it is even easier once you get it that quick to simply take a small inhale (~1mL) of air through your mouth (a “chirp” so to speak) right before the PF drop, and it will allow you to start your stream voluntarily at that point. Long story short, I had 10 times the confidence and couldn’t recommend seeing it through enough. Just do it every day or you will lose the ability. Eventually using that little modification, I could do all stalls 100 percent with only a 2 second BH, even with other people watching. What you said about placebo is true, and the feeling of empty lungs gives me confidence in situations for some reason, and that is a good example. Exhale your air now, and you will feel how it would naturally lend to a feeling of “I can do this” when approaching, especially when coupled with previous success.

– 19 year old college kid

I was never able to get Breath Hold to work properly on me, even though I thought I was close at times. Sadly, I gave up after about 2 weeks of practice. I’m guessing that wasn’t enough time to get over a life-long curse.

So I’m going to start Practicing Breath Hold AGAIN!

See where it gets me with my Pee Buddy.

Will it work?

You never know.

You just never know!

I had some interesting success stories today…

Other than peeing with my Pee Buddy Mike all day, I actually peed under a couple of unique situations.

These situations were at home, but none the less different than most practice pee scenarios.

It’s 11 a.m. I’ve been up for hours and have had 2 cups of coffee. I really needed to pee, but Mike was on the phone with Kay.

I walk into the room as he’s chatting and mimic the move “I have to pee” (which is grabbing my junk and clanking my knees together).

He points to the phone, shrugs and mouths:

“GO!”

I wait a bit longer to see if he’s wrapping things up. If I could I’d rather pee with my Pee Buddy around.

But it doesn’t look like he’s going to be done anytime soon.

So I go back into the room and wiggle my index at him saying “Come“.

He follows me as I head to the bathroom.

Since I don’t think it’s proper for Kay to over hear my pee on the phone, nor having to have Mike explain to her why he’s in the bathroom with me… I point outside the door for him to stand.

The funny thing is, I still kept the bathroom door wide open. And from the angle that I’m standing, I can clearly see Mike standing there, and he can clearly see me. It all works fine.

So he’s talking and moving around a little. He’s not focused on me, just on being there. This is good, because if he were to look in, he’d be looking directly at me face on. Ain’t no hiding that!

So I stand there and it doesn’t take me long to pee.

In 20 Seconds I’m peeing!

Mike is listening to Kay (and me I presume). He paces a little. I see him move in and out of the gap in the door the whole time I peed. It didn’t bother me in the least. Now if he were facing me and staring, I probably would have had a more difficult time. But he was close and I could see him moving around and I peed! Success!

The second interesting experience just happened tonight.

I’m standing at the toilet peeing. Mike is directly behind me sitting on the sink. His legs are dangling off the counter and as he was shifting around in his seat while I peed, his leg bumped mine.

Contact!

You’d think I’d stop peeing, but I didn’t. I kept going. It was no big deal.

And then, towards the end of my urination, he bumps me again (He’s a little fidgety or bored).

Again it doesn’t stop me. It doesn’t even slow me down. I just kept going and finished.

That’s cool!

So why does that not affect me, but burning onions and a wet magazine does?

I don’t know!

I wish I had the answer.

It really does seem hit or miss!

I’m 19 days into recovery and home desensitization, and sooner or later it will be time for me to begin field work, actually peeing in public bathrooms.

That will be interesting. I’m sure I’ll have plenty to talk about then.

Could I be bumped while standing at the urinals? Probably!

Will I still keep peeing?

Who knows!

At least I won’t have to worry about a magazine falling into the toilet…

Just hang onto your phone real good! :)

The last 2 days have been busy. I’ve spent very little time at home, which also means, very little time doing practice pee sessions with my Pee Buddy Mike.

I did get together with Mike on 5 occasions though, and they were all a success!

Congrats!

Other times I had to pee by myself. And I will say that that’s not always fast and easy either. Sometimes even by myself, I can stand there for minutes without peeing. I don’t get it.

When this happens I ask myself “Why do you get so frustrated and bent out of shape when this happens around Mike?”

Really!

Think about it. If it happens naturally to me, it’s no doubt going to happen around other people. So I really shouldn’t let it bother me. It’s how I pee!

I don’t know why my body does that. Sometimes I pee in 20 seconds, other times it’s minutes.

Just like when I’m in the bathroom and Mike is standing directly behind me. Who knows how long it will take me.

So I really shouldn’t let it get me down. I shouldn’t worry about the timer ticking away…

In fact, I should never set a timer to begin with. I’ve found that that adds MORE stress and makes my heart beat faster.

So take as long as you need to urinate!

4 Minutes.

5 Minutes…

10…

Who cares?

Eventually you will pee! You know that. The body will get bored, begin to think of other things, and before you know it you’ll be pissing.

I try not to think about it when I’m standing there. I try to empty my mind and relax. Go blank. Chill out and think about my bladder dropping…

So in the last 2 days I ran errands all over town. And you know what?

I probably had 10 opportunities to walk into and use public bathrooms…

It would have certainly helped my desensitization. Lord knows I need help standing at the urinal…

But guess what?

I didn’t step into one restroom. Not a one!

So am I really progressing? Or am I just fooling myself?

If I can’t get used to going into public bathrooms, I’ll never get to the point where I can pee in them. Never!

I know I need to do it. But the truth is, I still dread it.

If I don’t have a dying urge to pee, I avoid them (Paruresis get to walking).

I feel if I can wait until I get home to pee, then why bother?

This is horrible thinking I know. It’s not helping me in the least. But that’s what my mind tells me.

How do you overcome your basic instincts and thoughts?

Do you just force yourself to walk in?

How does one force themselves when it’s the very thing they loath?

Is there a trick?

My legs don’t walk that way!

I’m in a constant battle.

Who’s winning?

It seems like my Shy Bladder is!

I peed 5 times on Friday (day 15) with my Pee Buddy. All of them were a success!

One thing I still do though is pee by myself when I’m about to leave the house to go somewhere. I just don’t want to take a chance of having that time being a miss.

I don’t want to be out, an hour away from home and have to pee.

So if I’m leaving for a bit, I pee alone. Sometimes, as I stated before, I have to pee 2 or 3 times before hand.

My Paruresis, and I’m assuming an enlarged Prostate are always making me feel like I can pee more.

Which I usually do!

Day 16 (Saturday) is a copy of day 15. Nothing new to report.

I will say though, that when the landscapers came to work on the lawn today, I didn’t want to use the small bathroom by the kitchen. There’s a big window on the other side of the door, and I didn’t want they guys to see me and Mike going into the john together. LOL I’d rather avoid that awkward situation.

I know Mike wouldn’t give a shit, he’d just blow it off, point to me and say “He’s Pee Shy“. End of story!

But for me, of course, that would be highly embarrassing!

So instead, I head for the larger back bathrooms (by the bedrooms), where a casual glance in the windows won’t see two men going into the loo. :)

I don’t want people to think I’m odd or anything (again, I’m worrying about what other people think).

Sigh!

One thing I do notice about this home desensitization is the fact that I don’t pee as often as I normally would. I’m sure this is because I feel obligated to pee with my Pee Buddy, and in order to pee with Mike I have to have a stronger urge to go.

Otherwise I tend to stand there longer and not urinate.

So my voyages to the bathroom are probably cut in half.

I’ve read that workshops use tricks to make you go more often. Like drinking more water and cutting off your stream in mid-flow so you can pee again soon, and more often. Like every 20 minutes or so.

I haven’t stopped my flow yet. I figure I’m peeing, that’s the ultimate goal anyway, so why end it early?

But it does make me wonder…

If I pee more and more around Mike, will I desensitize quicker?

Hmmm….

I wake up this morning still worried about last night’s failure.

Will I pee or won’t I?

I feel apprehensive and I shouldn’t since I’ve been peeing around Mike for the past 13 days of my Gradual Exposure Therapy (GET).

But what will happen today?

Will I back track more?

I grab my coffee and tell Mike (my Pee Buddy) that I need to pee. We head into the bathroom and he stands behind me.

He’s fidgeting around, playing with the sink, the light switch (lights are going on and off), he’s grabbing the magazine out of the magazine rack… I’m just standing there looking at the timer on my iPhone. I’m watching it count and watching the numbers go higher and higher.

30 Seconds…

1 Minute…

I let out a breath and look up. “Come On” I tell myself “I CAN PEE!“

And then, about 1 1/2 minutes in, I start to PEE!

YESSSSS! I’M BACK!

I pee and pee… until something happened that I didn’t expect.

Mike is putting the 5 month old magazine back in the rack and it slips and falls directly into the toilet.

Splash!!!

Now I’m peeing on it!

“What are you doing?” I say. I stop peeing and bend over to dig it out of the water.

“SORRY!” he says as I throw the soggy mess into the trash.

I go back to my stance and try to pee.

Now I can’t. I’m locked up!

Damn It!

I get mad at myself for letting such a silly thing distract me.

I stand there and nothing happens.

4 Minutes go by.

I can’t go even though I know I could.

WTF!

It’s SOOOOO frustrating! I feel like I’m going to pee my pants but yet I can’t empty my bladder.

NOT COOL!

All because a magazine fell in the toilet? That was enough to derail me and stop the flow?

I’m so over myself. I thought I was back and doing good, and now as I stand here, I can feel myself getting madder and madder at myself.

I really need to pee, but it’s not happening.

It almost brings me to tears. It’s such a stupid thing to have. Paruresis, I hate it!

At 6 minutes, I give up!

“I’ll try again later” I say. I leave the bathroom defeated.

Is this how my life is always going to be?

2 Hours later (and one cup of coffee) I try again.

This time it’s a SUCCESS! I pee! I finish, flush and leave happy because this is the first time in 3 attempts. It feels so good.

Finally!

The rest of the day I pee with no more issues or problems. It’s crazy how such a small thing affect whether I can pee or not.

I stand in the kitchen and ponder my condition as Mike goes into the adjacent bathroom to pee. He leaves the door open and 2 seconds later he’s peeing loudly with force. In 20 seconds, he’s done. If only I could pee like that. He’s so lucky! Life would be so much more fulfilling. Sigh!

I pee again right before bed. Mike makes a comment “It’s been quite a while since you’ve peed, unless you peed without me“.

I say nothing

He’s right! I peed earlier today when our friend Kay came over. She was here about 1 1/2 hours and I actually went to the bathroom twice without Mike.

I used her visit as an excuse to pee alone, safely and comfortably.

It did feel good to pee by myself. I miss that!

Is this cheating?

Probably so!

I see how easy it would be to slip back into my normal ways. My old ways… Where I lock the bathroom door and pee in silence. It’s such a difficult road that I’m taking. I struggle with it every day. My entire mind and body hates it. But then again, it hates peeing too! Go figure!

Will I ever get over my fears?

How long will it take?

Months?

Years?

Forever?

Does anyone have the answer?

Two steps forward, 18 steps back!

WTF?

I peed 6 times today successfully with my best friend and Pee Buddy Mike as he stood behind me at the toilet.

Just like the last 2 days back from vacation (and the 3 days prior to vacation), they went smooth and perfect with no set backs.

Granted, some pees took longer than others, but that eternity in reality it’s just a minute or two. Nothing big.

In fact, that’s normal for me with or without a pee buddy.

Then supper comes along. It’s 7pm and I’m sautéing Onions and Mushrooms in a skillet while Mike is grilling Chicken…

I need to Pee!

I tell Mike I need to pee and he says “Pee fast so you don’t burn the Onions!“

I should have known right then that I’d have problems. That’s the one thing that blocks me up the most… Peeing under pressure!

If there are time restrictions, people waiting, if I have to rush, it heightens my anxiety and locks me up for good.

I try to go. I’m standing there. Mike’s behind me. A minute goes by. I can hear the Onions frying…

I try to concentrate. I know I need to pee fast and get out so I can stir the veggies…

Time Ticks By

1 1/2 minutes…

Then Two…

I’m even more anxious now because I’m taking too long. I tell Mike to leave and stir the Onions and come back. He goes for a second. I stand there alone and try to relax and deep breath. Loosen myself up.

“PEE PEE PEE” I tell myself

Mike comes back and resumes his spot on the sink. Another minute goes by. I still can’t go.

I can hear the Onions frying and the smell of the Chicken (which needs turning…)

I’m standing there locked and anxious.

Finally at 4 minutes, I give up!

I’m very mad and frustrated with myself. I surrendered to my Paruresis and left the bathroom depressed. Why did this happen now? Especially so far into my recovery?

I’ve peed like this 40 times before and now I’m locked up?

Nothing’s different either. I feel comfortable around Mike. I have no reason in the world not to pee…

Except for the burning food!

All I wanted to do is to pee like a normal man. It’s the stupidest thing in the world. I feel like such a failure.

I hate it. I hate myself.

Will I ever progress?

We eat supper. I’m still very upset with myself. I’m even more upset because my bladder is screaming and I’m uncomfortable, but yet feel I can’t go.

I let two hours pass before I make another attempt.

I tell Mike that I’ll try again (back choice of words) and he sits behind me patiently. I took my iPhone in with me and set it on the back of the toilet and set the timer…

I watch as I stand there and see the numbers go higher and higher.

I still can’t pee.

Now I’m trying to analyze it. Time restraints kept me from peeing earlier, and now because of that failure I feel anxious that I’ll fail again, which is in effect making me fail!

It’s absurd!

“Why can’t I go?” I say to Mike.

“Because you’re reading too much into it”

(He’s right)

3 Minutes…

4 Minutes…

5

I finally give up AGAIN!

What’s happened to me?

Why am I back tracking?

I shouldn’t be. There is no reason to be. I just don’t get it.

I know I shouldn’t let it get to me. I had success after success before. I even peed 6 times this morning without a hitch. But now…

It’s two failures in a row. That’s quite a bump.

It scares me!

Just when I thought I was ready to move onto harder things, I’m now worried about falling backward.

Here’s hoping that this stumble is just a temporary thing and I’ll be back on track in the morning.

Because failing sucks!

I don’t want to fail.

I want to pee!